My favorite is, "Why don't you make like a tree and go fuck yourself?"

Does the pope shit in the woods?

Bob’s your oyster

Don't count your chickens before you put them all in one basket

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

"This is a tough nut to swallow"

"It's not the end of the day"

From the Buffy-verse.

Harmony, the dumbest vampire.

"You're preaching to the horse's mouth."

"Yesterday we were at the brink of abyss, today we took a step forward"

From I Love Lucy... Ricky tried giving Lucy an ultimatum in his broken English...
"Don't cross your bridges before your chickens have hatched!"

Oh yeah! How could I forget:
"Get two birds stoned at once"

I'm fond of "not the brightest cookie in the knife drawer"

There's no use crying over fish in the sea.

Much fun, but IMO "we'll burn that bridge when we get to it" is a perfectly valid maxim (yes I'm aware of its roots). YMMV.

You: Do you know what malaphors are?

Me: Does the pope shit in the woods?

You're barking up the wrong metaphor.

Not the sharpest bulb in the crayon shed

Does a bear shit in the pope's hat?

People who live in glass houses sink ships.

You can lead a man to water but you can't teach him to be a horse

Why does this screenshot look like a highschool teacher photocopied it from a book?

I have a t-shirt that says "It's not rocket surgery" and depicts a surgeon working on a rocket with it's "guts" hanging out that are wires. I'm actually wearing it now, lol.

get two birds stoned

Let water under the bridge lie where Jesus flung it.

"She looks like she's been through the run of the mill..."

I'm here to kick ass and take names, and I'm all out of ass!

*clicks pen*

Names, please...

Light a man a fire and you warm him for a night. Set a man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life!

My favorite is 'not the sharpest hammer in the kitchen.

Speaking of bridges, I like "cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it!"

That's a whole different kettle of wax

Fool me once is better than two in the bush

I used to work at a used bookstore, and sometimes there were really excellent books that just wouldn't sell.

We would say "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him read."

I got in trouble at a corpo job for saying "We'll jump off that bridge when we get there."

Bojack Hosreman had a couple of good ones. My favorite was: “Fool me once, shame on you, but teach a man to fool me, and I’ll be fooled for the rest of my life!”

This is where I'd link to !Malaphors@slrpnk.net but my home base will be in limbo for a while 😬