Tell that to my wife. She has these animals that I think are virtually going to be immortal. Our cockatoo is well into his 40's as best we can tell.

An investigation into acts of self-pleasure among parrots and other birds has reached a climax, with the results providing welcome relief for vets and researchers, not to mention the birds themselves.

Bird keepers are often advised to discourage and even punish birds for masturbating, but the study found the activity was more common in the wild than in captivity, with researchers concluding it is part of a bird’s natural behaviour.

The report’s authors urged vets to reassure worried owners that the antics are not harmful and warned that efforts to intervene, which range from removing perches to hormone treatment and surgery, could be far more damaging.

“Our big finding is that masturbation is not a negative response to captivity,” said Dr Chloe Heys, an evolutionary ecologist at the University of Lancashire in Preston. “This is widespread in birds and we found it’s a perfectly natural and healthy behaviour that’s part of their repertoire of sexual behaviours.”

Researchers historically tended to assume birds either did not masturbate or did so only under the stress of captivity. But Heys said the behaviour was quite common and distinctive. “I had a pet cockatiel that masturbated all the time,” she said. “If you’ve ever seen a bird masturbate, you absolutely know what that bird is doing.”

The team surveyed bird experts and online communities of bird keepers, breeders and enthusiasts, and combined their accounts with others published in scientific literature. In total, they collected data on 120 bird species, captive and wild.

Avian onanism is widespread among species, including parrots, ducks, turkeys and chickens, and more common in the wild than in captivity, the survey found. Slightly more accounts mention males, but females were by no means exempt.

Typically, males would be “rubbing quite vigorously” on their perch, a toy or a twig, or on their owner’s hand, foot or shoulder, Heys said. Females tended to lift their tail and back on to convenient objects.

The activity was sometimes accompanied by wing flapping and vocalisations not typically heard from the birds. Asked if they showed any signs of self-loathing or Catholic guilt, Heys thought not. “I don’t want to say satisfied, but they do look different after they finish. It’s obviously doing something for them.”

Accounts from hobbyists revealed that some owners had sought veterinary help when they caught their birds masturbating, fearing the animals might hurt themselves. In turn, some vets had suggested disrupting the behaviour, by removing perches and toys and not stroking the birds in certain spots.

“In really extreme cases, vets would give the birds drugs or hormonal therapies to stop them doing this,” Heys said. “There have even been cases of surgery to completely de-sex birds, which is bonkers.”

"Vets shouldn’t be advising owners to stop birds doing this unless it’s obviously caused a chronic problem like a prolapse, but that’s the absolute minority of cases,” Heys added. The study’s findings have been published in the journal Ecology and Evolution.

Dr Ana Basto, a vet at the University of Lancashire who was not involved in the study, said the report would help vets give better advice to bird owners. “This research is pivotal and will be a step towards achieving a more holistic understanding of why and how birds behave the way they do.”

Dr Matilda Brindle, an evolutionary biologist at Oxford University and the study’s co-author, said the work added to a growing body of literature that highlighted how non-reproductive sexual behaviours occurred across the animal kingdom.

“The fact that masturbation seems to be even more common in wild birds than those in captivity has huge implications for their welfare, especially given that folk husbandry often advises bird keepers to discourage or punish this behaviour, sometimes even resorting to surgery and hormonal interventions,” Brindle said.

not crackers?

These men. The sin was not cumming on the ground, you idiots, or using his (careful grammar) dead brother’s wife as an onahole (super twisted to use this as analogous to masturbating)…

But greed! For in doing so, inheriting for himself in preference of his brother’s wife and her potential offspring!

It’s all BS, but still, how.

This explains all the bird watchers.

I would have just assumed they were preening...

TIL there's a cottage industry of preventing bird mastrubation

Being gay is unnatural, that's why you never saw a gay goat!

Actually, goats are unnatural. But you never saw a gay frog!

Actually, that's Big Pharma making the frogs gay. But you never saw a gay bird!

In bird culture, this is considered a cloacal move.

Oh dude broads hate it when you call 'em chicks

I dont get it mate. Mind explaining?

I did but not in US or UK