"Boy, that river is moving pretty fast. I bet if I fell in you wouldn't be able to find my body for weeks..."

From: jrandom@company.tld
To: everyone@company.tld
Subject: River observations 2026-04-27

Everyone,

I would like to point out that the river appears to be wet. I would also like to observe that I saw at least three (3) separate ducks on the river so far.

We will revisit this topic next Monday as per company guidelines.

J. Random
Widget Testing Dept.

next week...

I just want to go down and slowly insert two of my fingers into that river and feel how wet it it! Then id pull them out and watch it slowly run down my arm.

I bet it smells like fish...

ok im good until next week!

Boss starts looking worried.

...because he thinks you've discovered his fetish.

well shit... my top comment is going to be about fucking a river now I guess...

Three... Three towels?

There are so many songs from the labor movement that can easily be modified for the modern office environment, I'm sure your boss will love it.

🎵 You write 16 reports and what do you get
🎵 Another day older and deeper in debt

or

🎵 My dad was an accountant and I'm an accountants son
🎵 And I'll stick with the union till every battle 's won

or

🎵I stood nee deep in politics, got sick with a churning gut
🎵 I shoveled out the bullshit and it neigh on makes you chokes.

...

🎵 I know a task that gets on everybody's nerves...🎵

🎵Why does this meeting never end🎵

🎵it just goes on and on my friend🎵

🎵Some C-suite level jokers heard that number must go up🎵

🎵This could have been an email but we'll forever ever wonder...🎵

If they try to take away working from home, I will become a bin man

うっせぇうっせぇうっせぇわ
うっせぇうっせぇうっせぇわ
私が俗に言う天才です

Fits perfectly.

Maybe he doesn't remember that he's a river?

Sounds like an anime plot to me! "Old Man River: How I Discovered My Boss is an 8000-Year Old River God"

Where?

Here have some more in case you run out -???????????????????????

Edit: Removed the question mark that was used in Seth's comment below.

Depending on the situation, might be related to rto

Help: ‽

It's the forced small talk that the OP has an issue with, not the actual view.

I think that’s the takeaway… well assuming “yearning for the mines” isn’t being used sarcastically.

I'm way overthinking this. To me, it sounds like someone proposed to move to a cheaper location. Some other manager asked for this to "prove" this improves morale and the river view office should be kept Who knows

Maybe she’s the only one with a window and is sick of everyone intruding to see?

Just repeat whatever an AI says, no matter how absurd. Bonus points for reading it in a robotic voice.

This also gets you your compliance points for using AI in everything.

Wait, you have to think of stretches? Damn. That's cold. If you think of a bad stretch, everyone can blame you. I'd totally invent a stretch-picking device, to divert blame to the gnomes.

I worked at a company where we all got paid very well but they still did the bullshit company "team-building." I never participated on purpose. If I was forced to be present, I did everything I could to make it clear I didn't want to be there. I was considered a grouch and I fuckin' was, because unlike the suits that thought this dumb shit up, I had actual important work to do and a gun to my head in the form of a hard deadline.

Drowning isn't peaceful. There's ways of asphyxiation that are surprisingly peaceful, but drowning isn't one of them, not even when done well.

But also, don't die to escape from a job. You can escape normally. It's usually really easy to do: they let you go home, just don't come back. Go do literally anything else.

How would you know that it's a peaceful way to go if people who have tried it all died and cannot tell us how it feels?

Not really, but it beats the fuck out of the interstate that runs by mine.

Are they not allowed to go outside, or...?

Yea, I don't see the problem with this. I have annual goals at work. If this was an official goal for me, I'd be thrilled. Easy exceeded expectations for that one.

I see what they tried to go for, but enforcing stuff like that is not good. Because forced good feelings always just do the opposite.

If I'm going to be ground down by the corporate machine for money, I don't need them taunting me with what I can't have anymore.

Lol really... I wonder what this person's workload is... It seems like the boss was just making light of the concept of quarterly goals, but maybe I misinterpreted it

easy peasy