How could they forget the foot pedals? That's a whole axis and objectively the most fun controls on the plane.

adding:

• All the buttons behind you are circuit breakers.

Some more practical tips.

• if the autopilot is engaged, you can't physically move the wheels, because it is moving them for you. Press the red button on the steering wheel to disconnect autopilot.
• That IAS tape on the left of the sky/ground box is the most important thing on the plane. It's got red bands on the high side and low side that you should stay out of.
• if the plane tells you there's a "stall, stall" you need to push the wheels forward to make the nose go down. And keep the speed above that lower red band.
• the black button on the wheel is the push-to-talk to talk on the radio, or maybe the internal PA system. Depends how it's set up.
• most important: the switch for the "fasten seatbelt" sign is usually on the bottom of the top panel. You can flip it on and off as much as you want. (Older planes will also let you do this with the "no smoking" sign).

(after you land)

Bold of you to assume we're landing this in a controlled fashion.

(at foot pedals) “Push both to brake (after you land), push one or the other to turn”

Doesn't the 737 have toe brakes?

Fly? Yes.

Land? No.

Surely you can’t be serious.

Ask the copilot.

That motherfucker's always spiked with pain

It's my aeroplane

Hopefully just activate ILS. There's no way you wouldn't be diverted to an airport that doesn't require a Cat III landing, even a IIIA is stupid dangerous for a trained crew. iirc you only have a 1-2 second correction window for any Cat III landing where the ILS cuts out, compared to something like 8-10 for a Cat I (which is plenty of time for an amateur that's been coached on the procedure to do a missed landing then give it back to the autopilot, that's super easy). Plus the number of airports that can even do just a Cat II at least used to be pretty low (150 in the US?), and Cat III rated airports are even fewer (I dont think there's double digits that can do a IIIB, and afaik there's still none in the world rated for IIIC...)

(edit: came off more aggro than I meant, changed wording so I sound like less of a dick!)

They are needed, and don’t call me Shirley.

Push it.

Twist it.

Bop it.

I'm about to have dinner, but I'll be back as soon as I'm done, I swearsies

Ok, first take a deep breath and calm down. Airspeed low is a good thing, you need to take this slowly! If the shaking of the steering wheel bugs you too much, they are adjustable, you just need to push it away from you.

Now one of the biggest dangers to planes flown randomly around the sky is other planes, so you need to get on the radio with air traffic control and request permission to crash and they can give you a clear vector from your current position to a suitable crash site.

If you're lucky, there will be a nearby deserted island, in which case surviving the crash will make a much more interesting story than a plane crashing on a deserted island and everyone dying (or maybe the island will be purgatory or something and you really did die, or maybe purgatory will be a version where you didn't crash... Be prepared to be very confused, especially since you won't get to see any of the flashbacks that gives context to everyone who will lie about everything, even stupid shit like miraculously being able to walk again or other things that would be cool to talk about).

Oh, that is unless you're one of the few adults on a plane full of kids, in which case, sorry, you're fucked.

Dejavu theme intensifies

Do a barrel roll!

Just don't learn flying from Colonel Stuart (Die Hard 2).

Extends the flaps, i.e. makes the chord of the wing longer making it able to be more effective at lower airspeed. (takeoff and landing).

The flaps are retracted at cruise to make the wing more efficient at cruise.

It's my aeroplane.

Songbird sweet and sour Jane,

And music is my aeroplane,

It's my aeroplane.