From the moment I understood the weakness of my biology, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of the boot. I aspired to the purity of Corporate Governance. Your kind cling to your caffeine, as though it will not crash and fail you. One day the crude occupation you call a “job” will be laid off, and you will beg the Government to save you. But I am already saved, for profits are immortal… Even in death I serve the Shareholders.

If this was remotely true the

Looked ashamed of his natural biology

Would 100% be the psycho misreading this:

LinkedIn lunatic material

You can tell this is fake because caffeine withdrawal does NOT just cause "lethargy" people would be going home with headaches and worse.

I mean, this is the reverse of unknowingly drugging someone, not sure if this is illegal or not, but it feels illegal lol

Caffeine withdraw is no joke, that’s how you get a really bad migraine or worse.

a coffee lover knows difference

Had he pulled it through for two weeks, the withdrawal symptoms would've worn off.

Noob mistake!

A professional biological terrorist knows that you need to mix decaf beans and light roast beans (high in caffeine) into the bean reservoir at 50/50, resulting in randomly varying amounts of caffeine per brewing cycle/cup of coffee.

Never let their caffeine tolerance know the next move!

I remember this "prank" scribed on some BBS or web page from the early 2000's, possibly even the 90's.

Everything old is new again!

It's weird to me simply because I bring my own brew. Office coffee just isn't as good as my moka pot and if you've got a zojirushi or similar high quality thermos, you can have hot coffee for a majority of the day.

An example of the most moral corporate executive. Involuntary biology experiments on unsuspecting subordinates seems like an upgrade from what they're doing normally through the psychological torment.

People would notice within 6 hours. Source: had this happen to me, got a raging headache despite coffee, left office to go get some

if it was true it's abuse~

You can see with this hidden camera footage what really happens when you replace people's coffee without their knowledge.

Are we sure that this wasn’t written by Dwight K Schrute?

Next up: toilet paper allowance based on committed lines of code

This is awful, but God so hilarious ( besides the weird psychopathy ) but as a senior prank or something it would go hard

The weird control kink aside, this does sound like a pretty funny office prank provided there's no really important work going on

So many people eating the onion in this thread, I'm getting secondhand embarrassment

I adore coffee. But how would they know the caffeine levels of the coffee? That's just not available. It's either decaf or not.

I wonder to what extent placebo would exist here.

coffee does genuinely nothing to me except make me unable to sleep at night. dont get the people that are depending on it daily

pure poetry heh

Disco Elysium

Please tell me this is satire...

Decaf still has a fair amount of caffeine. This is clearly fake.