Well intentioned, often other "neurodivergent" people look at your life, your autism, and say: "you should mask harder."

Yeah pretty much, right? But is any other advice possible?

"Here's how to appear less autistic" is really the only usable piece of info when the problem is "I'm autistic and that's never going to change but it sometimes causes problems".

"Learn how to politely say Fuck you deal with it it's definitely going to happen again" is the only other realistic option but that strategy is only effective in limited contexts.

you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs

I don't think this is a NT vs Autism thing. There are topics that, depending on the environment, are taboo and not to be discussed. Figuring out these rules is confusing (or at least, not automatic) for Autistic peeps, but actually following the rules is something both NT and autistic people must do. Whether or not you call it masking, it's still something that both groups are subjected to.

I think a lot of advice tends to be an explanation of a social rule, with the implication that following the rule (or "masking better") is preferred. Sometimes the insistence that rules must be followed is more explicit, which I find aggravating because I don't think social rules have to be followed, and there are many times where they should be broken. I think they're similar to literary or grammatical rules in that it's better to be aware of them and have a nuanced understanding of how people use them, so I can follow or break them more intentionally in conversation as my preferences dictate. For my money I'd rather people take the time to explain the rules they adhere to no matter how silly or damaging they are. At least then I can engage with the rule more tactically rather than being caught unaware when I accidentally break it.

Unfortunately the world isn’t made for us and doesn’t understand — or want to understand — us. The only thing we have the ability to change is ourselves. It’s tiring and overwhelming and stupid, but using logic to cater to others emotional irrationality is just something we have to do to survive.

Yes, “mask harder” is a bad suggestion, but it’s the only one we have the power to do anything about. 😞

Don’t mask harder 🙅‍♂️

Mask smarter 👍

Yep, that's why I only choose to hang out with other neurodivergent people or people who are willing to treat ND people's needs as at least as important as their more toxic social norms.

Public interactions you have to conform to survive, but personal connections are your choice.

I basically made masking a hyperfixation for a while, until I had a good enough grasp of NT social interaction that I could drop the mask more and more. Then I just came across as cool, confident, and interesting when I was doing my own thing. It's kind of a "Learn the rules so you can break them" situation. NT conventions aren't really all that complicated if you devote a bit of time to study. If you can steer your fixations at all, it's worth the investment so you can get on with your life with fewer interruptions.

If I masked any harder, I would become Jim Carrey's character in The Mask.

As a non autistic person, we too are thought to fit in since childhood and do learn to wear social masks. It's not something exclusive to autistic people, but I guess you guys have a harder time learning to do it.

Moderate your behavior in public and respect other people is a conscious effort until it becomes "natural".

Just remember respect is a two way street, and everybody usually is trying to play their role.

because our behaviors and personalities are seen as a burden. having to be mindful about somebody's limitations requires some amount of work and people don't want to be bothered.

Lol sob 😭

"You need to learn to say no, because you are working well beyond your capacity and you need to take care of yourself"

Literally every time I say no it's seen as the beginning of a negotiation. I'm not being vague either. "Here is some data. I don't have time to review it with you today. Have a look and we'll discuss next week." Somehow that is interpreted as "Waltz into my office right now and ask about the data"

Or "I am not looking after that, go speak to (other engineer)" becomes 'Potato is handling it"

And like, these people are peers at best. They aren't trying to politely tell me I'm not doing my job or something.

The absolute worst is "I'm going to need to sit with the info you gave me before I can respond" becomes them just repeating themselves or trying to tell me what my response might be. Or when I say "I actually can't remember, but I can look it up" becomes them guessing. Not only have they completely ignored what I said to them, I'm now 100% checked out and every last drop of executive function is gone.

It's not "mask harder" - it is "don't be autistic".

Yes and no. The advice you received in particular is just as valid for neurotypical people. Knowing what is okay to talk about in different contexts is a learned behavior, not something that comes naturally to everyone.

However it is also true that a lot of advice is just 'mask harder' because... It's really the only thing you can do. You can't control other people and institutional change is slow, so the only option is to affect what you can affect and that will be yourself.

The difference is on WHY you're doing things. Masking is toxic if you're doing it to please other people or because it feels unsafe otherwise.

But adopting different ways of communicating depending on the context is not masking, it's how language works. Nobody speaks to their boyfriend the same way they speak to their Christian grandmother or the same way they talk in Xbox Live .

Sometimes the advice isn't centered around interactions with other people.

Like - wearing sunglasses can help with feelings of overstimulation during the daytime.

• running a fan at night for constant white noise can help you sleep

• Liquid electrical tape is a great way to cover up those little LED lights on everything

• 10-20 seconds of cold shower can help your body with thermoregulation

My problem is that so much of discussion about autism is centered around social interaction, that people begin to think autism is just a problem of fitting in, and if only other people could be more receptive everything would be better... well it wouldn't make the sun any less bright!

What else is there to do when people don't accommodate?

I'm pretty sure I've annoyed allistics (NT or ND) friends and acquaintances by bringing up philosophy, sex, politics, religion, etc much more readily than normally "appropriate".

I'll continue to otherwise be friendly with them but on this they can get fucked. The only time I'm enduring "safe" small talk is when I'm at work.

The key here is to accept that not everyone needs to be your friend... unless you live in the middle of nowhere or in rural bumfuck (or as mentioned before you are at work). Then because the number of friends you'll potentially have will always be countable on 1-2 hands and you wont be able to afford losing one.

The actual good advice is: move to highly populated areas, accept that you'll alienate a large portion of people, and settle on the percentage of cool ones.

Unfortunately, moving to a populated place is expensive. So first get a job, and save up for the move.

If I could will myself into being less autistic....I wouldnt even be here. So what gives? Is it clueless NT allies?

Yes, and I'm afraid that I (LSN, self-Dx with high certainty, awaiting formal Dx since early 2023) been guilty of giving this advice until some time last year, when a user on this very platform informed me that what I was suggesting was masking.

One major factor in this problem, I believe, is that a lot of the "raising awareness" stuff I've seen over the years tends to focus on just one part of our demographic (namely young, medium support needs boys), which is quite counter-productive. This is likely the main reason why none of my teachers ever thought to have me tested, and why I was 17 before I thought "Hmm, I can't shut up about Linux, I have a bunch of autistic friends, and I just watched three solid hours of old PSAs. I wonder if there's a reason for all that?"

There are times when masking is a good idea, this potentially being one of them (I do not know the context); but on the whole, it really isn't fair to do it all the time just to placate neurotypicals when they are more than capable of dealing with it without long-term psychological harm.

Wait. That was meant to be with well intentions?

We all wear a mask.

Well, then take this advice: hate people and assume the worst until you get to know them enough you can trust them.

Not all...

I see it more like "those poor NTs can't help it, here's how you deal with them" in the sense of, they're not smart enough to understand you, so you have to understand them. If I run into a problem where a child doesn't understand me, I don't expect the child to understand me better, I expect to explain it better.

If literal aliens visited the Earth, I would try to understand them, and at the same time I hope they'd try to understand me, but I can only control my own understanding, not "make them understand me".

It's not so much about "what you're doing is wrong" more about "you can control yourself but not them, so you can do better". At the same time, if you notice they're not even making an effort, and they should know better, you're in your right to point that out. If you talk with someone reasonable, they'll understand.