If you find the secret, pass it along

Recently lost my wife and my whole life feels like this listlessness you describe. Some suggestions people have made.

Plan out an hour after work to do something even if it means not driving home for an hour and going and doing something. This one works for me.

Do all your extra work on the weekend when you have the energy. Laundry and cleaning the house fit in here.

Plan out and prepare your metals for the work week on the weekend. Its only 5 meals. Cook two big meals and portion out the extras as leftovers in frozen containers then make an extra small meal that is either quick to cook or precooked or frozen meal from store. You now have three meal variety you can pick to quickly cook during the week after work. This works for me as the variety makes me feel like I have a good selection to pick from and if I buy some junk otw home I can eat the extra on the weekend.

Force yourself to exercise for at least 20m every other day. A hard sweaty workout! Just fucking do it no matter what. I do this in morning before shower.

Life still fucking sucks and I hate it... But its better than it was and gets better day to day. You just have to do it.

That's really what it all comes down to and the only real advise. Just do it. Pick one and do it for two weeks. Then add one more and do it with the first one for the next two week. And repeat. They say it takes two to three weeks to build a routine. At some point it will feel weird to NOT do it... But it takes time and energy. So just fucking do it because its not going to magically get better on its own.

Just do it already.

I'll tell you what worked for me: Doing everything before work instead. Get up at 4am instead of 7 and go to bed at 7pm instead of 10.

As soon as I get home: I do not sit down. If I do I'll lose all motivation to get up. Go to the gym, do meal prep etc before I'm even close to my chair.

There's a good dozen of great suggestions in the comments here for tips to sort out various things like cooking, etc. (I have saved a few for myself later).

So instead I'll offer some meta advice for making these things feel effortless:

1. Find the paths of least resistance and chain them together.

Look at the additional activities you want to add on to your day before/after work and figure out what is the most effortless way to trigger starting one activity when the previous one ends.

For example, back in April I wanted to start going to the gym regularly so I did three things: put together a gym bag with enough sets of gym clothes for the week's exercise, keep that gym bag in my car, and joined a gym as close to my place of work as possible.

By doing this I was able to build "going to the gym" into my commute home from work. I have managed to keep up the habit of three gym sessions a week since then (with the occasional miss due to illness or other life events getting in the way).

2. Make the good habits obvious and the bad ones obscure.

I struggled all my life with something so basic; remembering to brush my teeth both in the morning and at night. So what I did last year was use the IKEA peg board thing and found some holders for my toothbrush and toothpaste. That pegboard is right next to my bedroom door so I have to walk past my toothbrush whenever I leave the room as a visual trigger to go brush my teeth.

Think about how you can position physical reminders in your space to do the activities you want to do.

Or use your phone's calendar/to do list app of your choice to book in reminders to nudge you into getting started.

3. Just five minutes to get started and if necessary do the bare minimum badly.

Whenever I'm feeling tired but there's a task that needs doing I ask myself "will this take five minutes or less?". If the answer is yes, then I just do it there and then.

If it's something that will take more than five minutes to complete to 100% then I say to myself "ok I'm tired but I'm just going to do five minutes of it and see how I'm feeling then". This works out great for the gym example. Today on the way home from work I was knackered but I told myself to just do the five minutes as the bare minimum. Once I'd done a few minutes of exercise I felt like I was achieving and then pushed past the five minutes for a good 30 minutes before deciding that was enough for today.

And yes, there have been days when I literally just did the five minutes and stopped. But that didn't matter, because I still completed what I set as the bare minimum. Those minimums still get me closer to my goals and therefore they're still a win. So long as I'm getting just one more of these little wins over losing (i.e. not going to the gym) then the progress keeps stacking and the good habit continues to form.

I'm in this picture and I don't like it.

On a more serious note, I feel the same.

Don't get me wrong, I actually do like my job. I'm working with people I like, I like what I'm actually doing, and I'm not waking up with dread every (or really, any) morning. I can't even complain because I'm getting paid well, great benefits, tons of time off (so much in fact that my manager had to force me to take Fridays off until EOY just so I use up my base rate PTOs), great bonus situation, lots of options to travel, management is generally good as well.

But every single day, I just feel exhausted after work. Even when I'm WFH, or have little actually exhausting tasks to do... I'm just exhausted. Tired. No energy for anything but running a quick bath, or shower, reading for an hour or two, then sleeping.

In fact this lack of energy has been so bad recently that I've taken to inserting a workout+cooking+everythingelse hour in the middle of my WFH days just so things get done.

Everyone sharing their own coping mechanisms in the comments makes me want to question the whole thing itself. Why are we living like this? And why do we need to force ourselves to go through all this? What is the end goal? Are there no better ways to live? Why, why, whyyyy...

What if you just didn't go home at first? Hit a climbing gym with buddies, or buy an ebike and use that to commute home. Interrupting your normal schedule and psychologically making home only a place of rest might help you reset your life a bit.

You don't have to spend money either. You could even just hit up a park, the library, or hang out with buddies. We tend to go swimming lots once standard time hits.

Human beings are the only Great Ape that works for more than a few hours a day.

It isn't healthy, and we weren't built to labor 40hrs a week for basic survival.

What you are feeling is a natural response to being overworked.

One coping mechanism that helps me a lot, is taking evening walks. While listening to music or podcasts. If it does not alleaviate the exhaustion, it will at least convert the exhaustion into a more physical kind, rather that a burnt-out mental kind.

Also, you might suffer from burnout. I am not a doctor or psychologist though, so you may ask an actual professional.

You only need to cook one day a week to have good meals.

Make a whole roast chicken on Sunday. You can have that bird all week. Ceasar salad with chicken; chicken tacos, chicken sandwich.

Get a big pot and make a giant stew. Freeze it in pint size containers. Right now I've got chili and lentil soup sitting in the freezer, waiting to be nuked.

Keep plenty of fresh fruit and quality cheese on hand. An apple with some sharp cheddar is a great snack.

Angel hair pasta takes about five minutes to cook; put any sauce you like on it.

You don't have to go to the gym to stay fit.

Use this manual, 15 minutes a day.

https://leisureguy.ca/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/rcaf_xbx_5bx_exercise_plans_text.pdf

As others have said in this thread: don't go home after work. Go somewhere else. That's it.

If you wanna start doing a workout routine, join a gym close to your work and go straight there instead of going home. Want to learn to dance? Find something to do away from home until it is time to go to a dance class that happens every week. Have hobbies you would normally do alone at home? Start a group dedicated to doing those hobbies together in a public place, and meet there regularly.

If you feel really exhausted after your workday, almost universally you can use this technique: go to the next place you are going to be, find somewhere to sit or lay down, then set a timer for 15 minutes and just close your eyes. You can meditate if you want, but that's not what this is about. You are literally just sitting there, doing nothing, resting your eyes. The hardest part is dealing with the fact that you feel bored and want to look at your phone - don't. Being bored is a way to mentally recover from your stress. Looking at your phone doesn't do this.

Then, work on building up a schedule of events in your life for your after-work time. These should be things that:

1. Are fun. They are things you actually want to do. They are goals you chose for yourself because they are personally meaningful.
2. Are social. You are spending time with other people with the same interest, who you enjoy spending time with. You can reasonably expect that they will be happy to see you, and that you will be happy to see them.
3. Are regularly scheduled. You should be showing up to the same place at the same time every day or week.

Gradually build up a schedule like this for 4-5 days out of the work week, and possibly on the weekend. Leave one afternoon per week open for life admin - laundry, cleaning, groceries, etc.

It might be worth it to try a 10min power nap after work and see if that helps.

This is pretty much always the case when you start a new job. It takes time adjusting to the environment, the people and everything else. It's going to get better, it always does.

However, skipping proper food and exercise is counter-productive, so do make an effort to cover those needs.

Idk about better adjusted but it helps to have a checklist and somebody to lean on so you can both push each other to get more done. When you get home go for a 30 min walk each day. Its low energy but its a more natural activity that will help level out your brain.

I have the opposite issue where it takes me like 4-6 hours to fully wake up most days.

Quit, then nothing is post work because everything is.

9am to 5pm is all day, and you have to be on.

That shit is hard.

Everybody is silently trying to make you feel bad about a regular reaction to a big thing, because they feel the same, which they should all be embarrassed not to realize is fine.

Most of those "better adjusted adults" are probably just better showmen.

I'm curious about the few who aren't, and it's tricky to know when that's who's talking.

By forcing yourself to do stuff.

It sucks at first, and you feel exhausted and like you're not that effective and your brain will keep coming up with excuses and rationalizations as to why you should just rest, but you ignore them and force yourself to do the stuff you don't feel like doing.

Do that for a while and you'll suddenly have a higher energy level and it won't seem like a big deal.

You're basically at the point where you just took up a new exercise every day, and that's just tapping you out. But if you keep doing just that exercise and nothing else, your fitness / energy will only ever rise to the point of being able to handle it and nothing else. If you force yourself to do more, then eventually your fitness / energy level will rise to working + after work stuff being the baseline.

Give yourself time and give yourself rest days, but most people online will advocate for too much self care and don't realize that the only way to actually change and improve is to continually push yourself a little past your comfort zone.

Probably not helpful but when I was roofing and at work for 11-12 hours a day, getting home and going for a short run really helped out (~4 miles). Something about that cardio gave me more energy and would guarantee I'd at least take a shower after. I think I was only running 3-4 days a week then.

It's also a great time to decompress, just being alone with your thoughts a little. Then for a while after your heart rate is elevated and you've got some extra energy.

I go pretty much straight from work to yoga, make supper at a civilized hour afterwards, and take Wednesdays off workouts to, as you say, flop.

Gardening I do in the morning before work.

Cooking I do because others depend on me, that's been true for 30 years now, before that I didn't remember to eat, just when hungry. Don't keep junk in the house if it tempts you, make your easy stuff healthier. Hummus, boil eggs on the weekends so you have those, fruit, bagged salad greens, make it easier to eat nutritious food.

I want to say suck it up and go to the gym, you will be glad you did. 9-5 is pretty nice hours, here it's 8-5 or 9-6. Exercise is one non-negotiable for me. I have gotten up at 5 to run when that was the only option, and have gone to the gym at 20:30 after night classes after work when that was the only option. You will feel better if you just GO and work out even if you don't want to.

Habit>willpower. Commit to 6 weeks, and by then your schedule will probably settle out. Personally I put exercise ahead of healthy eating because I know my body.

I have some after work martial arts classes and on the other days I practice for an hour or so on my own. I also think up what I want to cook and keep it interesting. Most of our crappy eating and snacking is due to boredom.

There's a lot of good advice to improve things by changing your behaviour. It is also worth checking your health. I have had similar issues but it got better after I was treated for vitamin B9 deficiency. I was just plain exhausted but after a blood test confirming the issue and a few weeks of supplements prescribed by my doc, things got so much better. Depression and burn out have also been mentioned and it is definitely worth asking for a depression test if you see a doctor. That shit is so exhausting. When I was depressed, I could sleep like 10h a night and I still had zero energy.

If you've started this job recently, that sounds completely normal, at least to my neurodivergent ears.

You're learning how to ride a bike, except it doesn't require so much physical practice as mental practice. You're putting in a lot of mental effort all day every day, and it's exhausting. For me, this period at a new job can last three to six months, sometimes more. Eventually, you get the hang of it, and you don't have to put in nearly as much mental effort to do your job well. Then you can get back to your other life shit.

Maybe you're a morning person. Wake up and do all your important stuff in the mornings and be lazy at night.

Personally my biggest hurdle is getting started on something. When I get home I NEVER feel like drawing, but if I sit down and force myself to start I slowly get more energy and focus.

Whatever bullshit tasks you're dreading, see if it's possible to do them before work, or on your lunch break, or on the weekend, or on your scheduled vacation days

Consider you might be depressed. Professional help could be in order. No shame in seeking help.

My neighbour doesn't even go inside when she comes back from work, she parks her car, ditches her bag in the bike shed, hops on her bicycle and tears off into the distance. I've seen her on her racing bike in a suit.

So, don't give yourself the chance to veg out, do something on the way back home or go for a walk before you go in?

Aside from a really good advice on putting activity before home, make sure you sleep enough.

While it may sound tempting to have a few extra hours in the evening, the way you spend them when you're exhausted is meaningless.

When you get proper sleep, you may have a bit less time on your hands, but you can actually turn the time you do have into something nice - and finally get the kind of rest you deserve.

Trust me - you'll thank yourself for this when you find out you still have energy after your work.

With that energy, you can not only go to wherever you want to go, you can also make the home a nicer place. Make yourself a spa evening. Watch autumn movies with tea and cookies. Read a book. Whatever strikes your fancy and makes you relaxed and...at home.

I take a shower then I lay on a yoga mat and listen to a funny podcast like tigerbelly or bad friends for ~30 minutes depending how the day went. Sometimes I plan out what to do for dinner on the drive home, sonetimes in the morning, sometimes the day before, sometimes I plan it out during mat time and do some light stretches. My shoulders and pelvis are chronically tight from stress. Maybe have a drink in the shower before laying down but maybe don't incorporate that

Ramp up and down your productivity through the day. Leave yourself time to recover during the last hours of work, both mentally and physically, so that you can do what you like when you get back home. Never tell your boss that you’re doing this. They will see the peak of your ramp and that alone, and their expectations will climb

I’ve heard that it’s fairly common in food service to “always be closing” so that you can finish and leave at the drop of a hat.

Get off the crack. No social media, gaming, or serie etc.

Get fucking bored and you'll wanna do something that's worth doing (in your POV)