hugsie for everyone who feels like want one now.

It's really normal. I had to switch to text only with my ex-husband for these exact reasons. The gaslighting was intense and it can be so hard to get a sense of reality within a relationship like that.

It was lovely to be able to go in and delete some of the screenshots recently though. It's been long enough that I felt safe to let it go <3

Therapy helps! I'd strongly encourage exploring some options. It's not a bullet-proof solution, but therapy can really, really help.

I don't need gaslighting, my memory is so bad already that I don't trust it. And for that reason, I prefer communication with a record.

Sometimes its the other way around. I prefer texts because I'm a visual learner... and visual formats being handy for maintaining accountability and avoiding abuse are a convenient byproduct. But I was a visual learner first.

Used to record every phone call with my parents so I could play back their own words when they said they didn't say something, and my words when they said I said something I didn't.

And text lets people compose their thoughts with care.

I don't doubt that's true, but there's a myriad of other reasons why someone might prefer to text.

Abusers choose language where the meaning behind it is coercive. It makes it hard to convey emotional meaning with someone who had to learn these survival skills. One might be seeking connection and that intent sits in the same space where others seeking to manipulate placed theirs.

It's normal to have that style of communication and simultaneously feel gas-lit by people speaking with decent intent.

For the other stuff therapy can be effective if you get the right therapist and imo not someone peddling sympathy.

I don't think its trauma, I'm pretty sure its just that my brain is a sieve. I like to be able to review what was said, so texts are preferred.

In my case, it's not trauma, just anxiety [Texting lets me spend an inordinately long time revising even the simplest of messages to make sure there's absolutely no way it will be misinterpreted]

I've sort of been the victim of the opposite of this, where me and my then-partner communicated primarily over text (IRC, because we're old) and they just had a way better memory for such things than I did and could whip out a timestamp for anything they happened to remember which I did not. Made me a bit unhappy because normally both of you get hazy on details and are equal in having to wing it.

Not just trauma control, but overall a great way to carefully review your thoughts, have editors review it, proofread, improve it, etc..

I fell in the dark tetrad category of upbringing, so me an my siblings learned to control information pretty quick. DNA donors always ask “why won't my kids call/visit/send letters” etc., without consulting a family therapist why we are withdrawn/estranged. Sooo many publications, so many videos. Nope, rebound to the same old Machiavellian DARVO tactics. Now my 🥚🧬 “wants to know how I am doing.” I told 🥚🧬 how 🥚🧬 will do so, & at my leisure.

Siblings trust each other4life though. Did I ever mention one of my sibs is still wanted by IA? E’ll never be able to repay me for that😤

I can't talk on the phone at all because of trauma and autistic fear of being perceived. I don't know if you're neurodivergent, but if you are, I've read that neurodivergent people are much more sensitive to trauma. A seemingly normal event that wouldn't be traumatizing for neurotypical can traumatizing for neurodivergent people. The fact that you can't remember also suggests you might have trauma. Either way, sending you all of the internet hugs, feel better!

Nothing to do with drama in the childhood... There are people i like to talk to, but some people i'd rather have a writeup of our conversation because i know they will say the exact opposit tomorrow and will claim that is what they meant all along...

About the tangent you mentioned:

Yepppp, though I also can't shut up irl either and keep putting my foot in my mouth anyways. I've also developed mixed feelings on text communication because I tend to either get too focused on editing what I have to say (I've deleted comments I spent an hour typing, and messaging loved ones has become hard because the amount of effort I feel will go into it keeps me from starting) or I go full Leroy Jenkins with it and hit enter without thinking

But yes, therapy is great. I didn't think I was particularly fucked up or that my family home was that rough when I was a young adult. It took talking to people, including therapists, for me to realize a bunch of it and to start healing.

Can confirm as someone who prefers text. It also allows me to organize my thoughts ahead of time.

For me it's just because it gives me the time to think about what I am trying to communicate.

I never really thought about it but yes it makes a lot of sense.

Not just to look back over what was said, but how it was said, the context in which it was said in.

In my lived experiences pure negative feedback is equally traumatizing as intermittent verbal beratement.

I am sexually attracted to individuals who fit a set of certain phenotypes but in persuing sexual relationships with these people I got nothing but negative feedback. I'm not going into specifics bc that doesn't matter here. The point is that now physical attraction doesn't matter to me and am yes finally having sex..

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel bad when people hate you for solving a problem they wanted. Of course they'd hate you for not letting them say whatever they want to you whenever, you're literally not letting them do something, you're like taking something, emotionally. Granted they shouldn't want to do that in the first place which is how we solve the problem.

If I don't want to be the kind of person who limits everyone who talks to me to texts then I'll remove people who necessitate that from me. I don't need to speak if I can't speak safely, just like I don't need to drive if I've had a few beers. Sharing information about me isn't the important thing, what's most important is that I feel supported in the way I need and that means I don't talk to anyone or everyone.

For those who live a life where they can't remove the problems my advice is to take a more information theory approach, you can speak lots of words while conveying no meaning, it's a skill. It involves developing a deep and intimate comprehension of the midwits comprehension of the entropy of nature language. Some people are just smart enough to realize that words are arbitrary sounds and if they consistently mean the same thing when they say the same word they can redefine it as they wish, biggest victim of this is "think",,, "think" can mean billions of things there's no reliable way to know so don't know, don't care that do "think", do "think" yourself.

Consistently mean what you mean.

Take things from people that they don't need like: bad behaviors and hierarchy and traditions and history and systems. Trillions of people have lived long and healthy lives without many of the things we have today and a lot of those things aren't needed take them.

Govern the information that you emit on an informational level; instead of answering "why are you wearing that" with an explanation just say "it is already on me" and if that lack of information causes a fight let it. You only selected the amount of information you emitted you have no control or the reaction (having control would imply that there is a min amount of info you should emit which there just isn't source am a person)

And in doing these things I have found my life improving. Idk about you but I hope you do too.

Yup, sounds about right.

And I can speak from experience that I thought I was perfectly fine until other people heard what I've been through and told me "that's not okay".

"But I'm not traumatized by it" yes I was, it just took a couple decades for me to figure it out.

I'm the opposite actually. My instinctive reaction to abuse is to try to appease, and not having the person I'm talking to in front of me to gauge how they're feeling has a tendency to drive me nuts. If I can't look at someone's face while I'm communicating with them my brain immediately assumes they hate me. I'll go through everything I wrote looking for the most cruel interpretation of my own words I can come up with and think about it so much I'll start wondering if that isn't what I actually meant.

You should definitely get a therapist. There's several things that could be. However, do not let the fact that you should get a therapist blind you to your own strength and obvious worth as a hell of a good person.

Lots of abusers also prefer text because it lets them take their time in picking their words perfectly and carefully for maximum slipperiness and plausible deniability. It doesn’t mean anything really if you prefer texting.

TIL