I've used Duolingo for about seven years to learn German and wouldn't really recommend it for achieving "rantability", I'm just at the point where I'm able to understand 80% or so of Rammstein lyrics. That's a fairly abysmal ROI for 7 years of study.
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Sounds like a perfect scenario for Klingon.
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Make it ancient Sumerian. Make them want to call a priest.
I took my first French class in high school 18 years ago, got a French minor in college, wound up marrying a woman from Quebec whose parents are from France, spend a few weeks/month in the French-speaking world every year, but still don’t speak enough French to be able to truly tell my father-in-law off when he’s being a con and needs someone to tell him off, because he sure won’t listen to the women in his life. All that to say, good luck. It’s one thing to learn a language, but it’s a lot to get to where you can go off in it.
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You’ll need to either memorize it or live in the country a couple years.
Esperanto should be one of the easiest languages to learn. Also the most useless.
Toki Pona is well liked in language circles.
I'm working on learning the Swedish sign language alphabet for my deaf sister. For whatever reason I wasn't taught growing up (there's a 20+ age difference). Kinda want to blow her mind by just casually signing out the word we're stuck on like my mother and my niece do (my sister lipreads extremely well but I mumble enough to give her trouble).
Welsh would be a good choice.
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Extra points for picking something agglutinative.
I'd bet the easiest way is to just convert to Baptism and do the whole "speaking in tongues" thing at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Hint: It's really easy to fake, you don't need to commit.
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