Scenario: It's night, and a man is walking home. He sees ahead there is a woman going in the opposite direction as him. Knowing not to stop or approach her, but his presence makes her nervous. What would help further in this scenario if anything?

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[–] 115 points 2 months ago (15 children)

As a woman, seriously, just give me the bro nod to acknowledge that I exist but am not that interesting to you and keep walking. If you go out of your way to show that you aren't a threat now I'm thinking you're a threat, and if you pointedly ignore me now I'm wondering if you are actually far more interested in me than you should be but you want me not to notice.

Brief eye contact while acknowledging that I exist tells me you aren't afraid of me remembering your face but that you aren't being weird and staring or trying to hide from me.

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  • [–] 10 points 2 months ago (3 children)

    I like to have a smile as well. If I give the nod or even a cursory "hello" I try to have my body language say that I in no way expect or need any sort of response or acknowledgement.

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  • [–] 5 points 2 months ago (2 children)

    I'd go with "Evening" over "Hello". The latter signals that you're trying to initiate a conversation, the former is just friendly acknowledgement.

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  • [–] 4 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    I feel this is exactly what OP and others fear. Trying to optimize the best way to pass someone without being creepy or threatening. It can be maddening. Like, I see your point, but how far down that rabbit hole can we go? It's exhausting trying to not be weird which is ultimately weird itself.

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  • [+] 7 points 2 months ago (9 children)
  • [–] 28 points 2 months ago (6 children)

    Definitely a down nod. An up nod indicates that you want their attention.

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  • [–] 12 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    See maybe it's my part of the world, but I've always seen guys use an up nod as sort of a "yo, 'sup fellow human" , and a down nod as a "hello there". The up nod just has a subtly more chill bro feel to it, but either is fine lol.

    Now I need to go poll some guys.

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  • [–] 11 points 2 months ago

    I think there is a cultural thing around nods. I would definitely not recommend, in this situation, doing a nod that does not feel natural to you, so either do whatever nod you can actually pull off casually, or skip the nod.

    There is also a locale specificity... Where I live, people don't usually nod or otherwise acknowledge strangers on the street. Some places you might be expected to smile and nod or even say hi.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 months ago

    I have always read it as down nod is for acknowledging someone you don't know/ know very well, and up nod is for people you know. The idea being you nod down to cover your vital neck while also making eye contact, in a sorta "I see/I am watching you if you try something". Up nod reveals the neck, showing trust and comfortability.

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  • [–] 3 points 2 months ago

    Bro nod and a howdy or evenin' are what I usually go with. I am usually walking with my husband though (we are both dudes) and my guy is scary-looking so if someone (man, woman or other) crosses to avoid us I fully understand and respect the situational awareness.

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  • [–] 61 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    Grandma used to say nothing breaks the ice like breaking wind so give a friendly toot as you pass.

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  • [–] 41 points 2 months ago (9 children)

    According to Brent Staples' essay from a few decades ago, about how to not be seen as threatening as a black man in the US: "And on late-evening constitutionals I employ what has proved to be an excellent tension-reducing measure: I whistle melodies from Beethoven and Vivaldi and the more popular classical composers. Even steely New Yorkers hunching toward nighttime destinations seem to relax, and occasionally they even join in the tune. Virtually everybody seems to sense that a mugger wouldn’t be warbling bright, sunny selections from Vivaldi's Four Seasons. It is my equivalent of the cowbell that hikers wear when they know they are in bear country."

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  • [–] 32 points 2 months ago (5 children)

    I'm ngl, hearing a lone man whistling Vivaldi's "Spring" in the middle of the night while alone would be kinda terrifying.

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  • [–] 7 points 2 months ago (3 children)

    Obviously you're not a new yorker.

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  • [–] 6 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    The problem with that is that I'm a senior with reduced lung capacity. I can only manage a couple of seconds, then I run out of air.

    Can I just have my phone play it?

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  • [–] 34 points 2 months ago (4 children)

    If I understand the TikTok trend from a little while back, the solution is to pretend to be a bear.

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  • [+] 14 points 2 months ago (3 children)
  • [–] 34 points 2 months ago (6 children)

    Cross the street because what if she tries talking to me? It's night, I already did all my talking for the week I wanna be introverted alone.

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  • [–] 9 points 2 months ago (5 children)

    Think fast hot shot! You both started crossing the street at the same time for the same reason and neither of you noticed until you're in the middle of the road. Now what?

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  • [–] 5 points 2 months ago

    Turn around then realise that looks weird, turn back around, fuck it's even wierder now, check if she noticed, she saw me look at her, fucking hell now i have to think of something non-comittal and pleasant to say without it sounding weird.. 'uh.. nice lamps tonight?'

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  • [–] 32 points 2 months ago (4 children)
    1. Make eye contact. No eye contact is creepy. It's best to err on the side of more, rather than less, eye contact, because you probably don't make enough.
    2. Pick up the pace. If you're walking slowly, it's going to look like you're trying to prolong the encounter, so go at least at a trot.
    3. Hands are threatening, so keep one or both behind your back to prevent spooking her.
    4. Smile! You look prettier that way. Two birds with one stone here: if you keep a smile on your face, you'll look less threatening, and you can tell her to smile to inform her that you want her to be happy.
    5. Pay her a compliment to put her at ease. Something non-sexual like, "you have beautiful teeth."
    6. It will be clear you're not a threat if she knows you've got something else. You could communicate that you're going home to eat by licking your lips. Make some smacking noises too, if it's dark.
    7. Clothes conceal threats, so take yours off.

    HTH

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  • [–] 16 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    See a woman in distance. Puts hands behind his back (could be a weapon). Picks up the pace. Looks straight into the eyes, lock on, force a smile so you look like a psycho and say: you have beautiful theeth.

    If she doesn't call the police or starts screaming then you surely didn't follow all the points.

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  • [–] 8 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    It’s almost the same if you’re a woman and see a man who’s looking a little skittish

    1. Unbuckle your teeth, nobody like a tight toother
    2. Tie one leg behind your back and strap on something and pop it in your shoe
    3. Wave both hands in the air in a jazz fashion so they can see you coming
    4. Say something normative like mshnklfcknwoshlstf
    5. You can communicate by sucking in your lips and pretending you don’t have any
    6. If possible wear the skin of the last man you crossed
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  • [–] 32 points 2 months ago

    What with the growing population world-wide it is not unusual to meet a human when you're out walking. Remember it's probably just as scared as you are. Try to keep your cool. Don't try to feed them, don't stare at them, don't photograph them. Don't run, or they might think you're prey. It's often best to just keep going and pretend you don't see them.

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  • [–] 20 points 2 months ago

    Shoot webbing at the closest streetlight, use it to swing to the to of the building across the street. The Rhino is trying to rob the bank again, stand back citizen!

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  • [–] 37 points 2 months ago

    Play dead, women are like bears.

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  • [–] 18 points 2 months ago* (1 child)

    You should tell her that you've been trying to reach her regarding her car's extended warranty.

    /s

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  • [–] 18 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    Mind your business and keep walking. Don't be weird and stare. Maybe smile, nod your head, or say hello -- again if you can be normal. In any case keep walking.

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  • [–] 3 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

    This would be maybe normal here if it's not too late and it's a small town or neighborhood. In the major city I live in, I guarantee women prefer to be soundly ignored by any men passing by, since even during daytime you only talk to people you already know or have business with.

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  • [–] 78 points 2 months ago (15 children)

    Just don't be weird man, that's all you gotta do.

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  • [–] 76 points 2 months ago (13 children)

    "Just don't be weird" is exactly the kind of thought that'd cause me to come off as weird. Suddenly every detail of what I do is manual and scrutinized by myself.

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  • [–] 5 points 2 months ago* (7 children)

    To tell you something that actually helps:

    Keep your hands in view. Fidget a bit if you want.

    If you're walking towards her, take a glance at her from about I'd say 5-10 meters away.

    Walk a clear path. Pick a lane so she can pick hers to pass you.

    Think of something else for a second. Look at a car, building, cloud.

    Hit a street sign. You'll make her laugh, she'll feel 100% safe then.

    In all seriousness now that should let her know you don't have any dangerous objects in your hand, she'll know you acknowledged her presence, and she'll see you're not 100% focused on her. That's kinda all a girl needs to not be weirded out.

    :-)

    @BeardededSquidward@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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  • [–] 2 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    When do I hand her the note with large crayon letters misspelling "It's OK, I'm not weyrd or annything!", though? Using colorful and friendly letters, of course.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 months ago

    Man, that advice helped me a few years ago. Idk. It wasn't a massive difference but some people told me I act more natural, so I think it worked?

    I used to be very awkward and pretty much every girl my age would avoid being close to me. Now that is not an issue anymore. Idk if that helped or other changes I made, or both...

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 2 months ago (2 children)

    Thank you. I'm legitimately curious how to ease tensions some in such a situation. Was hoping this would be taken a bit more seriously but apparently not many did.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    Yea it's hard to comprehend for normal people that "act natural" doesn't help someone like me an you, because "natural" isn't the norm in my case at least...

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 2 months ago

    Social anxiety, potential neuro-diverget I don't have a "normal" to base things on like some people do I agree. As well not every person is the same so some I imagine would be fine me just casually saying hello and acknowledging they exist while others want me to just walk on.

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  • [–] 17 points 2 months ago

    Ignore her like anyone else and let her decide on her own comfort zone walking by you? If some one sees you walking alone, and starts altering their behavior because of your presence, whatever their intention, it sends the message that you have been noticed, you are being watched, they are reacting to your presence, and this indicates some kind of interest or goal in an interaction.

    So just keep waking, if she wants to cross the street, just ignore her. Definitely don't yell "It's okay I'm not a rapist!" or "I have a girlfriend already!", just let her do her thing, and you keep doing yours.

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  • [–] 16 points 2 months ago (4 children)

    If it’s a brightly lit street, or with any other people about, I just mind my own business and walk past her. I usually hug the wall side so she won’t feel boxed in as we pass.

    If it’s dimly lit, or at all sketchy, and there’s no one else around I’ll usually cross to the other side of the road. I’d rather walk a little extra distance than have someone be afraid.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 months ago (3 children)

    What if she doesn't want other people going out of their way to protect their perceived feelings, and crosses the road at the same time? What then, huh???

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  • [–] 15 points 2 months ago (2 children)

    The safety dance. Oo the safety dance. Yes the safety dance. The safety dance.

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  • [–] 15 points 2 months ago

    Nothing, ignore them and just keep walking

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  • [–] 26 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    What kind of question is this? You just act like a normal person and keep walking. Maybe step politely to the side to avoid crashing right into them

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  • [–] 13 points 2 months ago (4 children)

    Ah it looks like the advice here is very similar to the other post.

    "hey if you're a man i'm gonna need you to never approach a woman who's alone at night time. don't care what your intention is - unless it's an emergency, don't. you probably have no idea what the jolt of terror and/or the gnawing dread feels like in these situations. thanks."

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  • [–] 8 points 2 months ago (3 children)

    I don't think "approach" in that context means "happen to get closer to because you are walking on the same sidewalk in opposite directions. "

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  • [–] 4 points 2 months ago (2 children)

    This is a little bit of a continuation of a discussion that originated in another community.

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  • [–] 12 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    Start running until you pass her to make the awkward moment shorter.

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  • [–] 11 points 2 months ago

    If the woman is uncomfortable she can alter her path. I've been that woman before but have rarely felt uncomfortable enough to cross the street or whatever. I just keep walking and either ignore or give a pleasant nod to the man to let him know I'm chill and not scared and we're two normal innocuous people passing each other.

    Maybe twice in my life my spidey senses tingled and I changed my path and got out of there. Our instincts protect us.

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  • [–] 11 points 2 months ago

    Don't try to chat up women at night. There is no scenario of a strange man being interested in me while it's dark that I'll be receptive to. It's impossible for your line to be so good I'll stop seeing you as dangerous.

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  • [–] 29 points 2 months ago* (3 children)

    Nothing will help this scenario with just 2 people.

    You have to add a third party. The man needs to have a female companion, or a happy friendly dog.

    If I walk alone, my 250 pound, six foot talk frame is viewed as a threat. If I take my brother's highly animated German spotted pointer with me, people approach me and want to pet the puppy.

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  • [–] 10 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    Ignore and carry on with your life.

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  • [–] 9 points 2 months ago

    I'm a very large bearded guy with perpetual asshole face. I've learned that the best thing to do is whip out my phone and study it assiduously and make sure not even look in her direction while we pass. It works quite well. Everyone who knows me knows that I am definitely not a danger, but I sure as shit look like one.

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  • [–] 10 points 2 months ago

    Make eye contact, smile widely, and enthusiastically extend my hand so she knows I'm not a threat.

    No, I actually just keep walking, not altering my path. Occasionally will give them a nod, just like I'd give anyone.

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  • [–] 10 points 2 months ago

    Sometimes I’ll cross the street if it’s safe and won’t have to immediately recross to get where I’m going. If not I just keep walking and keep my eyes to myself, as long as you’re not being a staring creepass or looking her up and down you’re fine.

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  • [–] 10 points 2 months ago

    I honestly don’t like answering these because I haven’t been put off by many people in public and the ones who do don’t need an instruction manual on how to be disarming.

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  • [–] 9 points 2 months ago (1 child)

    I usually just say something like "good evening" and continue walking and you immediately see the other person relax.

    Just be polite and ignore them, I guess

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