Oh you're just acting up.

Or

Yeah I feel that too / I know that...

Sigh

I have a different problem, I've spent so many years adjusting myself so aggressively that sometimes it's hard to tell who "I" am anymore.

I often play dumb about little details I've noticed or remembered. I got in the habit when I was a kid and people would react weirdly like, "why do you know that?" So I'd just pretend I didn't even when I did, and I never really stopped. I might notice what car somebody drives, for example, but if it comes up I just act like I don't know unless they've specifically told me. I barely realize I'm doing it anymore.

🏴 politics and 🤘music. I don't want to scare people 😣.

But also I really really don't like eye contact. Like I have to look at the bridge of the nose. And I have to just learn to live with fireworks on July 4th 😟. And I really really feel deeply uncomfortable with me having facial hair. Which combos really well with my ADHD because then I forget to shave for a week and have a neckbeard.

And I really have to hide my existential discomfort around the police, because any time I deal with cops no matter how calm the situation starts, they are so incredibly eager to escalate the situation as much as they can. Which I then have to explain to people that yes, I'm a privileged cishet white guy but I'm still terrified of the cops because they're still fucking monsters who are racist but not just racist. (As the enforcement arm of the State, the police reflects all forms of oppression currently perpetrated by the State they work for onto the working class, including racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, and ableism.)

I have to do (computerized) paperwork at the end of the shift, and it's so hard when my coworkers (who are doing the same thing) are talking loudly all around me. I can't filter out voices the way neurotypical people can, I have a weakened cocktail party effect and it's hell trying to write anything if even one person talks around me.

Then I see my coworkers standing around in the parking lot chatting after work, and I just think, "Wow, to have the energy to voluntarily socialize after an entire day of work is amazing." I mean, I know it isn't amazing to them, but I'm just glad to be back in my quiet car going home, knowing I don't have to speak to another soul for the rest of the day if I choose not to.

Funny thing is, I have been regularly driven nearly into insanity by neurotypicals listening to the same few songs on repeat. One alt-girl (later turned christian conservative) tried to convince me I just had to listen to the same alt-rock song 100 more times until it clicks, and realize it's deep meaning (the deep meaning: sex). Yet my kind is characterized as liking monotonity and repetition.

Why does this screencap look like

1. a print out of a screenshot
2. that someone took a picture of with their cellphone and
3. then tried to use a scan correction app to make it look like not a screenshot?

That dark background in the bottom left corner is weird.

I mean, on various scales that's what everybody does.

They want me to hide everything about myself. They keep moving the Overton window. I refuse to humour them. I won't be driven into a corner. If they don't like it, that's their problem.

I put a lot of effort into making sure no one understands how much of an agoraphobe I am

I don't know how much of it has to do with being on the spectrum and how much of it has to do with people just being extremely judgy but a lot of things are tucked away until someone gets to know us. It also doesn't at all help that in our experience, people have used information against us to get us in trouble.

As a result, we don't discuss hobbies, even "normal" ones. Can't talk about drawing because we're furries and people are still weird about that. Can't talk about hiking or nature stuff because it would lead to discussions of naturism/nudism which again, people are still weird about. Aside from hobbies, discussing being plural and trans is completely off the table unless we're 1000% sure the other party isn't going to be an asshole about it. - Phoebe (it/its)

What do I need to hide about myself?

Wait until you read about the need for homogenity in the capitalist system. Its not us, its not even them. Its systemic.

It is insane how even (read: especially) your parents are gonna casually tell you to compromise your entire brain into "normality" like that isn't incredibly destructive. Telling someone to pretend something they're not is way too normalized.

wouldn't you like to know

My almost total lack of organizational skills.

Also the unrelated memories I'm reminded of by words and phrases in a conversation. Otherwise I'd be constantly saying, "Ohh, there was a Firefly episode where Shepherd Book said what you just said. Another guy in it was also on Buffy one time."