I am no longer me, just an assortment of masking techniques in a trenchcoat.

sometimes I wonder who am I, if said "I" still exists

Finding an autistic partner that encouraged those parts of me is the kindest thing I've ever done for myself.

After several years of being loved for my oddities, I feel like my whole self again without being 90% redacted

Yep. An entire childhood of my dad always calling me a spazz, my mom abusing me, kids in school avoiding me because I was weird, always feeling like the only person not in on the joke in college, getting cussed out and -- in one case -- physically assaulted in the workforce... I started devoting most of my energy to just reacting and hiding. I spent most days just getting to the end of all the social bullshit and obligations.

Whatever you do, don't tell me to relax. Every time I relax, everybody hates it. I suspect there's a good, interesting person with the capacity to be happy in here somewhere but I get so little time to actually be them.

This is the premise of American Psycho and it's a critique on a society that produces these traits in individuals. You didn't evolve to produce endlessly so that a tiny fraction of society can benefit at the expense of the majority. So you adapt instead.

I know that feel all too fucking well. My first meltdown was after a few drinks with my gf and I just started crying while looking in the mirror. She wasn't any help, insisting that the things I was speaking out loud to myself weren't true, one of the things being that I am "a farce that everybody believes in out of politeness".