Yeah, HRT won't fix you. That's true. It's not magic even though people keep saying that. I feel like for me what HRT did was give me something to fight and hope for. It gave me something on the horizon to work toward. Your mindset sounds an awful lot like mine before transition. I also went on HRT as a kind of last resort thing and slowly but surely, optimism came into my life. I realized I could customize my body. I could put in work to make my life better, to like myself for the first time ever.

Changes came, but HRT wasn't the majority of it. The biggest changes were those I made motivated by the hope of being a girl some day. I didn't believe it back then, but it came true anyway. I'm not even two years in and yet I'm still further along than I ever thought I could get.

And I feel your physical struggles, I truly do. I felt so ugly before transition, went to the gym, still looked like a stick. Couldn't gain weight for the life of me (I still can't, which still frustrates me). I thought I'd never pass, that no one would ever honestly think I'm beautiful. And you know what? I was fucking wrong. It took me a long time to realize and I really fought it because I couldn't believe it when people told me I looked good a few months in. And even now, when people compliment my looks I often think they do it out of pity. But they don't. I turned out pretty. I'm actually hot, which is still unbelievable to me. But turns out self love, confidence and good fashion sense go a long way. And a nose job lol. (I always wanted one and HRT gave me the guts to just do it!)

So keep fighting, babe. Keep going. It's going to get better, I swear. Give hormones a year or two. Try to make the best of this life, you've only got the one.

I can't say how hrt will help you or not. I'm thinking it might help me one day but...

But I wanted to send you a hug, perhaps that sounds meaningless, sent in digital bytes, but I know it's helped me to hear that at times. You sound so down on yourself, are you sure you aren't depressed (I'm not a Dr)? Do you have access to a counsellor/therapist?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the mirror doesn't know shit! I tell myself this, anyway!

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/biochemical-dysphoria

It doesn't really matter if the explanation is true, but the experience is something that many of us go through. The experience that we feel like empty zombies and that after HRT we finally feel real.

At some point after starting HRT I had days where I started liking what I saw in the mirror (and seeing a woman) despite knowing that I objectively do not pass or anything like that. It's not constant for me, but I have more good days than bad days. Liking what you see is partially gonna be a mental thing, and that's something HRT might do for you or it might need therapy or something else.

I'm not gonna promise that these things will happen for you, but I hope they will.

Hope you will feel better soon 🫂

Yeah it probably won't. Like Theresa and Shirow said the mental transition is the biggest influence that can change you. We are living in a superficial world. The internet is filled with survivorship bias(attractive people tend to show off and are more visible), keep that in mind.

I too see myself as unattractive(lack features that our society sees as attractive) and sometimes feel alienated when I consume media. What helped me dealing with that is working on my mental health, and time.

I am in the team "HRT is not magic". HRT is giving you smooth skin and small titties for the most part, the rest is up for you to do unfortunately.

I wrote a post a few months back where I ranted my emotions and since then my situation improved again. I have bad and good years since starting transition. And I am not alone, we are all struggling, some maybe more than others. Please don't beat yourself up too much over it. Give it some time.

A bit of a background info: I look terrible. Not just in the regular mtf dysphoria i-don’t-look-female terrible, but also the just generally ugly human being way. I die inside a little everytime I look into the mirror and avoid cameras like the plague.

As much as the beauty industry wants us to believe that beauty is a tangible goal that we can reach by spending enough on clothes and makeup and beauty treatments; as much as modern Nazi-adjacent *cel ideology wants us to crush our own spirits by believing that beauty is genetically determined and immutable; as much as both only survive by convincing us to care about it at all - it is very much a subjective thing that lies in the eye of the beholder.

In my experience, peoples' own opinions about their looks tend to have little overlap with what other people actually see. And what other people actually see is like 50% due to their own mental state and preferences/biases. In any case, I seriously doubt people find you as ugly as you feel, simply because it's unlikely that anyone cares that much about what some stranger looks like. Even if I don't find you attractive, I don't WANT to feel repulsed, so why would I bother paying any attention to your appearance?

You don't control what other people see. You CAN control what you see. Look for the parts of yourself that don't disgust you completely. Learn to love even the smallest fraction of yourself. Do appearance-related things that make YOU feel good, that feel authentic and true to yourself. Things that make you feel like your body is truly YOURS, regardless of whether it's beautiful or not.

I'm not even out, I certainly don't pass, and I honestly doubt I ever will to other people. That doesn't stop me from looking in the mirror and seeing fragments of the woman I'll be one day. It's taken me years, and progress has been too slow to actually notice it, but it's definitely happened.