Hi every1! I'm keeping my fundraiser open for the time being because I'm still unemployed, and the refugee organizations I've tried reaching out to have lost their funding and no longer have the resources to help, even those that used to provide some kind of assistance. The donations from my previous fundraiser helped me cover another month of rent, but I still need help paying for food, transportation and other basic everyday expenses while I'm looking for a job. I wanted to give an update on my situation and explain why I still need support.

Here's where things stand right now: I've been unemployed for a l2.5 months now and have been applying for jobs ever since, but to no avail. The job market here is literally cooked rn, and finding a job is already difficult even without considering other circumstances. Not having a local ID makes things even worse. Even though my asylum application was approved and I've been officially recognized as a refugee, I still haven't received my Argentine dni. I only have a temporary immigration document called "precaria" In about half of my interviews, I've either been rejected or ghosted by HR after mentioning that I don't have a local ID. I'm also still without hrt. The public hospital I'm assigned to has been out of stock for over a month now because of cuts and shortages in the public healthcare system. I tried contacting other hospitals, but they either have no appointments available or the waiting time is around 1–1.5 months.

So yeah, even though I've managed to cover my rent for now, I'm still unemployed and have been without access to HRT for over a month. I'm keeping this fundraiser open because I still need help covering basic living expenses. Honestly, considering the current job market situation and the difficulties I'm facing because I don't have a local ID, I don't know how soon I'll be able to find a job and become financially independent again. I'll include my crypto wallet addresses because PayPal limited my account. Idk the reason, but ig it's because of my document (which is basically just a piece of paper saying that my case is still being processed by the immigration office lol). And in Argentina there's no option to receive money through the friends and family option or as donations. Every transaction is considered "goods and services", even though my account is personal and obviously I don't have any business xd.

Any donation or boost would mean a lot

btc - bc1qenl5pev7ktxtha8na4ew2knv87cey753n5gllp

ethereum native - 0xb0650426f1C447710a188D8d5f3AaFC8F0D85E35

litecoin - ltc1q45tlxzzmh7nuhfca49cs47l6ju0z85xakysjhz

usdt tron/ trc 20 - TWsNrbiTu3KnptfdcgN2D24Hm6wuzJRjrq

Solana - 9v3osWw4Dz7sVP54jYciRVp5c45RVNv7HqksdrpsdG3W

just wondering if anyone has heard from applebusch or knows if she's okay. i saw some deleted posts within the last day and it looks like her profile is gone. i know she's been going through some difficult things and i'm hoping she's okay.

I get that it would never actually work like that, but every time I see it, I'm struck with the mental image of getting drunk off of estrogen.

I always with I could look more feminine, but given everything that’s happened to my body and brain, an inability to wear makeup and walking with a cane is a fair price to pay.

I’m just glad I get to be here while being a girl.

🐢

Like 1.something% of the population is the center of a crusade because the red clowns need a boogey man, and yet their precious leader is on gender affirming care itself.

I fucking hate it. I don't get why the right wing zeitgeist is focused on trans people.

I mean I do, but I don't.

Fuck them (the transphobes).

Does there exist a titty packer?
Like I know that fake penises exist for the feeling of having a dick for ftm's (ex was ftm so I learnt a bit)

Is there same thing to look and feel like I have breasts???

I think that might be my next step.
Lol I own a 3d printer I could almost make some quick and dirty plastic titty packers... if I modeled it.... ok this is good idea

haha I swear I'm still cis

CW: internalised transphobia, regret, bitterness, just shitty thoughts Note: I'm enby and use they/them. When I say trans I mean 'not cis', not 'binary trans'.

Sorry if these kinds of vents are commonplace. As alluded to in the spoilered section, I am not really active here. Just needed to get some shit off my chest.

I've been on HRT for nearly two years and repeatedly explained to them the legal discrimination that I'd face working for the federal government, let alone the gd military. They still send me recruitment ads and have given out my number in the past. It's freaking exhausting.

Even if I wasn't trans, I would still refuse to fight for a pedophilic, egomaniacal president that bombs schoolgirls to get his mushroom-shaped phallus hard.

It makes me sad when I see people in community describing themselves as a "transwomen" instead of trans women.

It's a word made up by TERFs and other transphobes to differentiate between cis or as they would say,

"Trans" is short for transgender, an adjective modifying the noun "women." Hence, it should be two words, trans women. Same as tall woman or short woman, not tallwoman or shortwoman.

So for context, I came out to my parents last year and they've been supportive, even though their old-fashioned ways mean they often don't understand the details.

I didn't shave yesterday because I was sick and too tired to do anything for too long out of bed. This morning, I went down to get breakfast and started talking to my parents who where both in the kitchen. In the middle of a completely unrelated topic between me and my mom, my dad interrupted and said he wants me to grow a full beard. He ran his hand over his upper lip and chin to indicate the stubble I still had.

I said that was the opposite of what I wanted, and that I wished my facial hair wouldn't grow back. My mom got what I was saying immediately, which surprised me, and she kinda got pissed at my dad asking why he would say that when I'm already trying to change into a woman.

Now, I wasn't really all that upset, because I know my dad didn't mean anything hurtful and he just had a lapse there where he forgot that I don't have the male interests or goals he would assume me to have. And I don't blame him since I'm still not really passing, and even with my casual fem clothes and bra, the stubble on my face probably stood out more.

I was about to head back to my room, but then he went up to me and said, jokingly, if only I could give all my facial hair to him. I laughed and said yeah, that would be nice. He was being lighthearted about it, but I recognized that this was his way of trying to correct course on what he said after realizing that it was wrong.

Overall, I'm happy that my parents are being supportive despite stumbling sometimes, and this encounter today showed we can have a conversation about these sorts of things without it becoming a huge deal. As a transwoman going through a lot of firsts recently, this kind of peace and calm from the people close to me are what I really need from my support network right now.

I saw a post earlier (not on the fediverse), about a trans woman who had a date with a cis man who was pretty clearly into her, fliriting and stuff, but then as soon as she told him she was trans the guy immediately acted different, said he wasn't into her and just wanted to be friends, etc. The poster was obviously upset by that and was trying to vent about it online in a women's community who claim to be trans inclusive, but so many of the replies were about how he wasn't transphobic, how he was such a good guy for giving her the bare minimum respect after learning she was trans, how its not transphobic to not be attracted to trans people, etc. That's also not even what the poster was saying, she just wanted support after a shitty date, something which the community is perfectly capable of doing when a cis woman is seeking it.

But also like the guy was attracted to her! He just immediately changed his mind upon learning she was trans, which is literally just transphobia, holy shit. And almost all the supportive people in the comments or anyone saying that were getting piled on.

I already know the majority of cis people don't see us as actually being our gender/sex, but it still fucking sucks everytime I see something like that that reminds me of that fact so starkly.

Edit: The number of cis people coming in to this thread and doing the exact same fucking thing I'm complaning about in this post is wild holy shit. Like congrats on not having any ability to read the room l guess lmao.

So, I have been very into skirts since my junk grew back to pre hrt size, especially since I can't tuck day to day while trying for a baby, and skirts are genuinely saving me from constant dysphoria because I can make my very obvious bulge disappear. In this regard, they are magic.

I had an experience today that just, broke my brain a little bit. I ordered a garter belt because I got into thigh highs a little while ago, (I'm in my dressing like a slut phase okay?) and they do not like staying put, but it came with a mesh g-string I wasn't expecting. I tried it on and was shocked to find I could actually comfortably put things away in it, so it was approved for wearing. Anywhore, I wore the garter and g string as a surprise for my wife today, and put only a skirt on when I would normally wear shorts or leggings under a skirt, especially now that it's getting colder. I did not realize how much I rely on feeling the fabric on my butt to be able to trust that I'm covered! I had absolutely fuck all on my cheeks under my skirt, but it was impossible for anyone but me to know that because skirt! I thought a couple times I was showing something I hadn't meant to because I couldn't feel anything on my cheeks, but then remembered the skirt. It's like, I can dress however the fuck I want and show all the skin I want, but also look totally modest and not draw attention! The possibilities for being secretly dressed all sexy like with nobody knowing are limitless!

Skirts are rad, and I'm so glad I'm able to wear them!

Do y'all think we'll be able to repeal the anti-trans laws that were passed the past few years?

got a cute green cardigan and some knee high mucklucks to go with my dresses.

wigs are so expensive but I am going to save and get a quality one. it will take a few months but will be well worth it

As usual, I went to the gym today without my pocket bra or breast forms. I prefer to shower right after working out, but I'm still too conscious about not passing to make the switch to the women's changing room, so I was boymoding as usual. To be honest, it's been making me depressed lately that I have to boymode like that so frequently during the week, but that's a different can of worms.

Going back to today, after showering and then drying and reshaping my fem haircut (small win), I started driving home. It's a route I've taken a billion times, so everything was nice and relaxed.

Until my mind went to the goddamn seatbelt across my chest.

My chest. Yes, the flat fucking plain of nothing. I've had these chest dysphoria episodes before, but usually in the morning after waking up when my mind has nowhere else to go until I kick myself out of bed. This time, I was way more than preoccupied, behind the wheel with cars ahead and in front of me. But did my brain care? No. It narrowed my focus entirely on my washboard of a torso, and before I knew it I was breathing funny and wanting to take my hands off the wheel and bring them to my chest. Why? To find my missing boobs? Hell if my desperate mind will ever let me know what was going on there.

I was lucky that it was late evening and so the roads weren't too busy. And the route itself was pretty short. Long story short, I survived, and when I got home and finally put my bra + breast forms back on I breathed the biggest damn sigh of relief.

Lesson learned: dysphoria can and will seize you at the worst possible moments.

Hi, never posted. Been lurking for half a year or so. I'm ravenn. I'm marking NSFW because some content. I'm recently out of my egg (this year) and am in my 30s. This is kinda a wild "intro" post, but its where I am at right now.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. I got tired of being told something as a compromise, sometimes even begged for the thing only for my end of the compromise to never be met. I got tired of being lusted after, and never having romance prior, just "MMMMM bring me them sexy thighs", or having my butt grabbed while doing dishes even though I had said I really don't like that stuff in common areas of the house, especially when her teenage daughter lives with us.

The final tipping point was that she had her other daughter who doesn't normally live with us come visit. This daughter I will call [S], who is also a teenager had her friend over too. That's all good, she hardly comes over and last time her friend was over they were only a little messy, and it was a special day because we were going to the water park, so fun is to be expected, and chores much less so. Well 3 weeks ago [S] brings the same friend over again. And I've been fighting something worse than a cold, but not Covid or Flu for over a week, using up entire tissue boxes in a night. I physically feel like crap, and with an injured back and leg, sometimes have trouble walking without a cane, especially when I'm sick.

I spent the night doing dishes, had the kitchen spotless by 7PM around when the friend arrived. I wake up in the morning, go down stairs only to see a double sink overflowing with dishes above the raised faucet (the type that takes a detour to about neck height then points back down with the hose bit as the faucet). Some dishes were left on the counter because of how full, some half in the sink, half on the 1 inch counter gap looking like they would fall to the floor. I instinctively took a picture followed by a wide show pic just so no one could ever downplay it in the future.

My girlfriend had lived here 5 and a half months at this point, and had been visiting the house for almost a year. She knows I keep the kitchen clean at night so I don't have to worry about stuff in the morning. I went upstairs and showed her the pics, and said "that is not my responsibility but I expect it to get cleaned up". She goes down after an hour or so and cleans it for about 2 hours. She is super exhausted. We complain to each other about how much of a slob and how inconsiderate that was to treat a place that, while your mother and sister live there, you don't live at.

Next morning, [S]'s friend had stayed another night, similar deal in the kitchen. I am both in shock and also not at all surprised. My girlfriend cleans it up again. We are both quite upset about this weekend. [S] goes back to her dad's that evening, and I tell my girlfriend "I never want another weekend like that one again". The next weekend approaches, 2 weeks from Halloween. I ask my girlfriend "do the girls have any plans for Halloween?". "Oh yeah, I told them each they could have a friend over." "Okay, so the two girls and two more friends." "Well [S] wants 4 friends over" "Hold up, FOUR?! That's like a birthday party with 2 weeks notice, and I only find out because I happened to ask? After last weekend I really want to say that she can have 0 friends over" "Well how is she supposed to learn responsibility if we don't give her a chance?" I sigh and reply "Fine, that actually makes sense. The one friend is fine IF you have a conversation with her about her disrespect and overall slopiness and tell her she has to clean up after herself. Unless you want me to talk to her." "No, I'll talk to her, that's fair. She isn't good with rigidness and you can be rigid so I'll talk to her. She is old enough to clean up after herself, even if she doesn't like to." "Okay. fine. 1 friend, and you talk to her and make sure she cleans up this time, and doesn't create as much mess to begin with if you can."

few days pass and I'm told: "Does that projector work for [S]'s laptop? I wanna take them to the park and let them watch a movie there if the 5 of them can't be here." "It depends on her video out options, but I could probably make it work. Does the park have power outlets? That projector doesn't use a battery." "[silence]" me again: "Okay, I'm not trying to throw a wrench in your plans, I was just trying to make sure if I needed to get the portable power bank thing hooked up and ready" "it really would be easier if they could just be on the back porch then" "Ugh, I told you I don't want that many kids here, and why, and we came to an understanding, or I thought we did, and you are still trying." "They'll just be on the back porch, it'll be fine" "Yeah, until one of them needs to pee, or gets sick, or even just gets cold. Gosh if one gets cold, they are all gonna wanna be inside together and not leave them alone, and we are back to what we agreed not to do." "I just want to spend time with my kid! What is so wrong with that?!" "No one said you couldn't spend time with your kid. We just don't need to bring 4 other people's kids too. Ugh now I feel like shit again and don't want them on the property at all." (It is my grandmother's property that I manage for her as she is bed bound with mild dementia at the same house as us).

I go downstairs to do some dishes and unwind with something productive. and it occurs to me. 1 Girlfriend + 1 [S] + 4 friends = 6 people. She drives a 5 seat car. I stop dishes and go upstairs.

"How do you plan to fit 6 people in your 5 seat car? Cause if I have to use my grandmother's SUV like we did for the water park, I'm roped right back into something I really don't have energy for. I am sick, I am tired, and [S] has not shown responsibility? Why would I reward that with 4 times the effort?"

"[blank stare]"

"So is any of this planned, or are you just coming to me with it hoping I perform a miracle and save the day? Someone must always be at the house for my grandmother. I can't help. And I'm sick."

"Fine let me message her and tell her we need at least 1 less person"

another week goes by, 2 days before Halloween:

Me, watching my tv, having good morning, very happy, starting to feel not sick for the first time in almost a month gets a nice back rub from my girlfriend and asked: "so i was thinking, since she and her 4 friends want to do pumpkin carving, maybe we could use the back porch"

I turn around: "what the fuck, I thought we agreed, and how did you solve the car problem if not?"

"oh well I rented a hotel room so we could all be there that night since I can't have my kids here"

"I NEVER SAID YOUR KIDS COULDN'T BE HERE. One of them is literally in the room on the opposite of our wall. I said 6 kids couldn't be here, but 4 is fine, if [S] is talked to about responsibility, but, correct me if I'm wrong, I don't think you talked to [S] about responsibility, and that was your responsibility"

[silent stare] followed by "You treat my kid like some sort of monster!"

"No, I do not. She has never felt comfortable here even once and you said so yourself that it is because I like to keep things clean. I have a dying grandmother, I am sick, I am injured, I have never had children before in any relationship, let alone living in the house I'm responsible for. You have failed time and again to address the concerns you told me you would address and I shouldn't. Then you keep coming back trying to make your desires happen, after we had a compromise. Maybe she avoids responsibility because she doesn't have someone to show her how, and since I'm responsible for so much, maybe that's why she doesn't like it here. But I really don't want to have this argument so I'm going. The caregiver will be here in a couple hours. I'll leave her money out, Please greet her and help her with anything like I do, every time."

So i went out. Took recycling to the recycling center, went to a beauty shop, got Nair, checked out Gamestop and found a game I had been looking for for a year now preowned at a price in the range I told myself I'd accept in advance. Took it to the counter "Wow, I literally put that out on the shelf like 5 minutes before you walked in. Put out a steelbook too but I snatched that for myself since 2 copies of the game came in and I'm a huge fan of the series" I felt super lucky, was about to feel super smooth, and I got a chore I couldn't get done while I was sick out of the way. I cheered up. Decided when I go in to just be happy, not bring up the subject, hopefully she had time to think about what I said.

She tells me shortly after I get back, without my prompting, just my joy from my luck showing: "I'm sorry, I know I definitely provoked that one and should have known better how you'd feel with what we had discussed"

We kiss, we make up, it was nice.

Night before: 1 friend comes over as the test, all goes well that night. Sweet

Next morning:

"Hey, what time do you and the girls plan on leaving?"

"Oh about 30 minutes when the others get here"

"Oh okay nice. I went downstairs to help my grandmother get up, and saw you already took care of her. Thank you. But I also saw the kitchen was still messy from breakfast. Did you talk to [S] about the responsibility thing?"

"UGH, You can't just ask me that 30 minutes before I leave, It'll ruin her day"

"I asked you this 2 weeks ago, with this day as the agreed target date. I only just found out you had 30 minutes left so I actually asked asap today"

"Why do you insist on putting this burden on me!? I can't be expected to get ready and do dishes in 30 minutes. You knew I woke up at 10:30, that should tell you how long I have left"

"Okay, I'm not putting burden on you, we agreed this was [S]'s burden. Also, When you wake up tells me nothing about the departure time. If it did you should have gotten frustrated when I asked about when you leave as it should've been obvious, but you are just deflecting and hiding behind paper thin arguments that don't even logically make sense about something we agreed upon before hand. I put no burden on you, you just piled your burden you took yourself, that I offered to handle, into a corner until the day of cleaning came and got upset I asked you to handle the burden. That doesn't magically not make it your responsibility."

"Omg I am so done with you, Fine I'll go tell her to clean the kitchen as you command"

"I didn't command fuck all, we had a discussion over something we were BOTH upset by, and had an agreement, and found a pretty solid compromise, or so I thought, and then when asked for a status update you accuse me of being some sort of dictator. Well let me dictate the order of events from the last 2 weeks. but if you don't want to take responsibility, fine, but rent the room for longer, because you and your girls don't live here. I want you all and all your stuff out by Thanksgiving. If it isn't gone when you are, it isn't yours." (We have had several fights over how much stuff she brought in when I helped her get a storage unit and move out of her last place when she was suddenly evicted -- that's another migraine and also the leg injury kinda largely came from that too)

a solid 30 minutes to hour passes of full on yelling, she tries to cut me off as I recount the story, I repeat NO I WILL PAINT THIS PICTURE FOR YOU TO GRASP IN ITS ENTIRETY, UGLY AND ALL SO YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM THIS COGNITIVE DISSONANCE OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT KEEPS UNDERMINING MY VERY HOUSEHOLD AND MENTAL HEALTH AND OUR RELATIONSHIP.

It felt like I was erupting, like every thing piled on top of me suddenly became too much and I threw it right back with full force. I felt sick after. I felt like my father. Her kids and friends heard everything from the room over. I felt, naked, and I wanted nothing more than to make her feel naked with me for treating me the way she had. I told her how much I hate the lack of romance and just blatant sexualization of my body. How when I came upstairs to bed 4 nights before after our date, sobbing into the mattress, I couldn't bring myself to trust her to properly empathize with the truth, so I held it back. (It occurred to me that night, that not even can I not have a life outside the house because of taking care of my grandmother, I can't have a life inside my house -- and I told her that much -- but I didn't tell her the part that I had finally internalized that I can't even make life inside of me like most women can. And I told her I just feel like I am denied life as a whole. That all I can have is death, and my dying grandmother, and a dying house that I can't afford to take care of without someone with me. And held this back too -- I realized I had stayed with her as long as I did because she helped with my grandmother where I couldn't, and she provided, albeit minimal, time for me to get out maybe twice a month to do some errands, and that I was having a hard time thinking there was even life in our relationship.

I wrote her a few notes, pretty hands off where I can be, just tried to let her know I don't want her homeless but I don't think it will work out here with us in any way long term, but I am willing to try to extend the date or hear out what she needs so I might be able to make it easier as she leaves. And that I believe in mercy and forgiveness for people who make efforts to repair things, but she just responded not to talk to her or her children. She walks by me in the house as though I'm not even there. She doesn't look at me. She doesn't talk to me. Her daughter (not [S] but the one who lives here) is doing the same. I still told her daughter today that how I treated her mother was in no way right, but I am trying to offer her an easier way out of here that a hard deadline, and how I know she (the daughter) prides herself on hearing both sides, and I won't harass her, but if she wants to hear my side, I am willing to tell it to her should she come to me.

I feel hungover every morning and during the day since then. My appetite is shot. My eyes are sore as I try to distract myself with my phone or laptop. I met with an HVAC tech quoter guy today about repairing or replacing a unit in the house, and before he was out the door, I was rushing the opposite way and bawled my eyes out for a solid few minutes before gaining a grasp again, because I have no way to afford a new heating unit, hardly a new drain pan, if I can, to keep my grandmother warm in winter. I just feel like failure incarnate. I feel gross, and yet when I look in the mirror, I have never found myself looking more feminine, and I hate that this is how I'm birthing my new identity. Everything feels like death. I'm not suicidal, that would leave my grandmother stranded, and for the first time in my adulthood i've been learning to love myself. I just feel like I'm denied a chance at life from the get go.

WARNING: extensive discussion on self-harm, and suicide

This isn't actually a "vent" post, but I will be expressing a lot about a negative experience, and I want to make it as clear as possible that this will not be a comfortable post to engage with for many of you. Please do not read further if you are triggered by topics such as self harm and suicide; or even loneliness.

Recently, a trans woman I know chose to take her own life. I do not know more about the specific details of how or why, but I do know that she struggled with financial security, family acceptance, and establishing romantic relationships within the past year; along with, y'know, enduring the general cultural climate. She was younger than me, and we were not especially close friends, and I had been putting off getting in touch with her for several months before this news. I have been processing my own transition while managing my work, and while I know I have been overwhelmed, I feel a deep guilt for knowing that I was not too overwhelmed to have ever been capable of making contact.

My choice to wait was also due in large part to my own anxiety over making/maintaining friend relationships (some of you may have seen my recent post regarding neurodiversity and friendship), and I knew that this woman was somewhat vulnerable emotionally. I didn't want to start something I wouldn't have the energy or attention to maintain, so I thought that it would be a better -- and more responsible -- decision to wait until a moment of stability before I tried to take any of that on. Now though, I can't help but resent the thought that such a moment would ever actually exist to my own satisfaction, or that I didn't have the responsibility to do it just because I wasn't in a state where I could to the best of my ability. I know how little a text would have taken, and as a person who has experienced extreme loneliness in my life, I know that much could have made a difference; even if just by making her feel a little more loved before making the same choice anyway.

This woman is gone forever, lost to an unknowable pain, and I have gained yet another traumatic experience of friendship with a lesson that could have been accepted without such an unacceptably high cost. I know this story is all too familiar within the trans community, and I'd urge any of you to not blame yourself if you've experienced something similar, as I'm sure many of you are about to do for me. I know this isn't my fault as if I did it personally, but I also know that I'm in a better position to do the support work than most other trans women are, and I can't deny that I could have fulfilled that responsibility and failed without this kind of regret.

With Halloween this past weekend, all I could think about was how much she'd have enjoyed dressing up, what would have happened if I planned something earlier this month for her to look forward to, if even just asking would have been enough for her to wait until another night; how much could have changed by next month. I'm not saying that I or any of us are required to overcome our anxieties and overexert ourselves out of some altruistic saviourship, but rather that it is easy to forget the gravity of our actions when, indeed, all of us struggle to manage with what little power we have in this society.

I guess that did end up being a vent, but I did intend for this to open up a discussion for people to connect over similar experiences, or to offer advice from those experiences. I have honestly been struggling with this more than I thought I would -- I've lost a lot of people -- but I haven't been able to focus since it happened, I've almost broken down crying in work settings every day, so I'd appreciate it to hear how others found a way to move on with it.

Been doing my nails at home on the weekends for a bit now and taking them off come Monday, but this week I decided that if I can't even have painted nails in public then how am I ever gonna come out or present fem?

Nobody cared. Didn't get a single comment.

I tried to keep it subtle with a nude pink shade so it's not like I was asking for attention but they were definitely noticeably pink and shiny so I'm sure people saw.

Baby steps but a big win for very masc-presenting me 😎💅

I don't know if it's my voice, my body language, the fact that I chose to keep my birth name, or a combination of all three. I feel so demoralized and uncomfortable on the daily when interacting with cis people because they seem to constantly disappoint.

If it feels weird reading the headline, just imagine me writing it. There is a reason why I truly feel that being lonely can be positive, but I let you decide that after readinf further.

This halloween, I did not leave the house. My body was drained from the new job, money is still a little tight. I crave connection, I crave touch and that would have been a good chance to quench these needs, but I could not manage. So bed it was, the entire day.

I cried a lot, it helped a bit. Because... I enjoy the feeling of my mind telling me so clearly what is missing and the fact that I WANT to be with others is the fuel for my tear striken smile in a dark room that no one has seen.

Why smiling? Because I know what else people do to ease the pain. They turn on these notions, burry them under phrases like "I am better off alone!", "Who needs others anyway?", "Humans are monsters, whe should just suffer anyway!", "Love is fake, you are wrong to believe in it!".

You know these phrases. Maybe have spoken them too in the past, I certainly have quite often. And why not, if it eases the pain?

But... a heart that stops hurting when it recognises pain, others or your own, might just be dead flesh beating in your chest for no reason. I may not like my situation right now, but ripping out the "offending" emotions will keep me from being happy again in the future once the pain actually stops.

It takes a certain mindset to cry about being lonely, but then smiling honestly in the mirror and saying "My heart hurts very much, so it functions very well!". Perhaps I am just insane, but that is preferrabel to a sad state, where the world is always cold, because I ripped out the part than can feel warmth. It seems I found beauty in my own misery.

But if I can do that, you can too. Rejoice, a hurting heart is still very much alive. And so are you.

Happy Halloween everyone. Lila, sighing off.

Not very halloweeny, but my daughter veto'd my original plan of going as a witch [on short notice].

(Yes, I have my window under control)

Vena cosplay I did for a halloween event recently. It makes me look pretty masc but I had fun and I got a couple compliments for the helmet, including one on the bus.

Bonus pictures: