If it feels weird reading the headline, just imagine me writing it. There is a reason why I truly feel that being lonely can be positive, but I let you decide that after readinf further.

This halloween, I did not leave the house. My body was drained from the new job, money is still a little tight. I crave connection, I crave touch and that would have been a good chance to quench these needs, but I could not manage. So bed it was, the entire day.

I cried a lot, it helped a bit. Because... I enjoy the feeling of my mind telling me so clearly what is missing and the fact that I WANT to be with others is the fuel for my tear striken smile in a dark room that no one has seen.

Why smiling? Because I know what else people do to ease the pain. They turn on these notions, burry them under phrases like "I am better off alone!", "Who needs others anyway?", "Humans are monsters, whe should just suffer anyway!", "Love is fake, you are wrong to believe in it!".

You know these phrases. Maybe have spoken them too in the past, I certainly have quite often. And why not, if it eases the pain?

But... a heart that stops hurting when it recognises pain, others or your own, might just be dead flesh beating in your chest for no reason. I may not like my situation right now, but ripping out the "offending" emotions will keep me from being happy again in the future once the pain actually stops.

It takes a certain mindset to cry about being lonely, but then smiling honestly in the mirror and saying "My heart hurts very much, so it functions very well!". Perhaps I am just insane, but that is preferrabel to a sad state, where the world is always cold, because I ripped out the part than can feel warmth. It seems I found beauty in my own misery.

But if I can do that, you can too. Rejoice, a hurting heart is still very much alive. And so are you.

Happy Halloween everyone. Lila, sighing off.