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[Vent] I am really struggling with the recent loss of a friend. (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 week ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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WARNING: extensive discussion on self-harm, and suicide

This isn't actually a "vent" post, but I will be expressing a lot about a negative experience, and I want to make it as clear as possible that this will not be a comfortable post to engage with for many of you. Please do not read further if you are triggered by topics such as self harm and suicide; or even loneliness.

Recently, a trans woman I know chose to take her own life. I do not know more about the specific details of how or why, but I do know that she struggled with financial security, family acceptance, and establishing romantic relationships within the past year; along with, y'know, enduring the general cultural climate. She was younger than me, and we were not especially close friends, and I had been putting off getting in touch with her for several months before this news. I have been processing my own transition while managing my work, and while I know I have been overwhelmed, I feel a deep guilt for knowing that I was not too overwhelmed to have ever been capable of making contact.

My choice to wait was also due in large part to my own anxiety over making/maintaining friend relationships (some of you may have seen my recent post regarding neurodiversity and friendship), and I knew that this woman was somewhat vulnerable emotionally. I didn't want to start something I wouldn't have the energy or attention to maintain, so I thought that it would be a better -- and more responsible -- decision to wait until a moment of stability before I tried to take any of that on. Now though, I can't help but resent the thought that such a moment would ever actually exist to my own satisfaction, or that I didn't have the responsibility to do it just because I wasn't in a state where I could to the best of my ability. I know how little a text would have taken, and as a person who has experienced extreme loneliness in my life, I know that much could have made a difference; even if just by making her feel a little more loved before making the same choice anyway.

This woman is gone forever, lost to an unknowable pain, and I have gained yet another traumatic experience of friendship with a lesson that could have been accepted without such an unacceptably high cost. I know this story is all too familiar within the trans community, and I'd urge any of you to not blame yourself if you've experienced something similar, as I'm sure many of you are about to do for me. I know this isn't my fault as if I did it personally, but I also know that I'm in a better position to do the support work than most other trans women are, and I can't deny that I could have fulfilled that responsibility and failed without this kind of regret.

With Halloween this past weekend, all I could think about was how much she'd have enjoyed dressing up, what would have happened if I planned something earlier this month for her to look forward to, if even just asking would have been enough for her to wait until another night; how much could have changed by next month. I'm not saying that I or any of us are required to overcome our anxieties and overexert ourselves out of some altruistic saviourship, but rather that it is easy to forget the gravity of our actions when, indeed, all of us struggle to manage with what little power we have in this society.

I guess that did end up being a vent, but I did intend for this to open up a discussion for people to connect over similar experiences, or to offer advice from those experiences. I have honestly been struggling with this more than I thought I would -- I've lost a lot of people -- but I haven't been able to focus since it happened, I've almost broken down crying in work settings every day, so I'd appreciate it to hear how others found a way to move on with it.

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[–] 8 points 1 week ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (2 children)

World is cruel. Wish to never see... uhm wrong... wish none would have to write these posts. That makes these stories even more important. Thanks for sharing and please stay safe.

Without having good support or being secure and independent - please re-think delaying even starting, staying in the shadow, closet a bit more.

Delaying may hurt a lot, gonna be hella strong to delay happiness... but whole path for most of happinesses, (and extra for path for trans happiness) are freaky hard. We have to be harder than that. We win by existence in the end. Please exist.

[edit] By delaying, I mean to delay coming out, into public, into space that is unfriendly (openly unfriendly). Doing things in shadow, with trusted friends, over internet, maybe virtual space and games is still desired.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 3 days ago (1 child)

    Thank you for this comment.

    I agree, material safety and security is often difficult to rationally prioritize when transition is often more necessary to survive for many of us. This woman was out for several years, and her material insecurity was a more recent development, but is none the less consistent with the disproportionate rates at which trans people experience shelter and material insecurity.

    From my own experience, there was no such thing as material security before transition, even if just because there was no space that wasn't traumatic, which meant that my health was at risk in every setting. So, I really don't know whether I could advise someone to delay transitioning unless it really is an existentially threatening situation where coming out would literally introduce a substantial risk of bodily harm (y'know, relative to what it is for simply being trans). These are things I think are just difficult to advise on for that very reason, and really anecdotal evidence is the only way to ensure there's a chance of relatability that provides some genuine help for someone's decision.

    That's a very sweet notion at the end as well, which I think is part of why I'm struggling with this so much. I understand this woman's pain deeply, and I also know how much of that pain can be relieved with even just a little happiness. I don't doubt at all that if she had lived longer, she would have found relief, but for many of us, that pain truly is unbearable. This is why I want to emphasize just how crucial it is to recognize the gravity of our own actions, it's possible that simply a text to check in would have been enough happiness to relieve that pain for her long enough to have lived a full life.

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  • [–] 1 point 3 days ago

    That's a loss for us all, every single one of such tragedy.

    I did slightly clarification of what I meant by delaying. Much often, we still can do and do much relieves, every day, in the shadow. To helps selves with the delay.

    Please exist.

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    • [–] 7 points 1 week ago (1 child)

    Hey, already triggered by the tldr, so this comment is not hitting on details, and I promise its comforting. My close friend committed suicide a week before her high school graduation 9 years. She was accepted and getting finical help from her top pick of college. Her classmates were brutal and bullied her for her weight, her gender expression, her queerness. Losing her was like losing a heart. Idk sometimes I feel like imposter talking about her, I was someone else while she hasn't changed in 10 years. Pain for anybody doesn't disappear, evaporate, or diminish. Your brain learns to go on without them.

    I think my friend would be happy to know I think of them from time to time. People are only gone when they're forgotten. Sorry that was the comforting 'part', we celebrate the life they led and remember their smiles and laughter. I'm not a grieve consoler just a person who feels.

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 3 days ago

    I'm sorry this did trigger you :/ I'm very sorry to hear about your friend, thank you for sharing that.

    That's part of what I'm struggling with, but I wasn't especially close with this person. I am very used to losing people, and understand how that pain scars over, my struggle here is with the regret of not having helped more even if I didn't have to or when it wasn't safe enough to. This is what I've found much harder to move on from without simply punishing myself into trying to help every trans person I know, which can certainly be a problem in its own. It's hard to understand exactly what kind of pain this woman was in, as well as the knowledge that I couldn't actually know how bad it felt for her, and know that it would have taken very little to at least improve how she felt even if she was going to die anyway.

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    • [–] 5 points 1 week ago (2 children)

    About a two years ago one of my best friends took his own life. He lived with us, in our house. He was a part of our family.

    We can't know the inside of someone else's mind or the contents of their hearts. I'm sending you something I made last year in your dms.

    The only way we can keep these people alive is in our minds and our hearts. How you do that is up to you.

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