A bit of a background info: I look terrible. Not just in the regular mtf dysphoria i-don’t-look-female terrible, but also the just generally ugly human being way. I die inside a little everytime I look into the mirror and avoid cameras like the plague.

As much as the beauty industry wants us to believe that beauty is a tangible goal that we can reach by spending enough on clothes and makeup and beauty treatments; as much as modern Nazi-adjacent *cel ideology wants us to crush our own spirits by believing that beauty is genetically determined and immutable; as much as both only survive by convincing us to care about it at all - it is very much a subjective thing that lies in the eye of the beholder.

In my experience, peoples' own opinions about their looks tend to have little overlap with what other people actually see. And what other people actually see is like 50% due to their own mental state and preferences/biases. In any case, I seriously doubt people find you as ugly as you feel, simply because it's unlikely that anyone cares that much about what some stranger looks like. Even if I don't find you attractive, I don't WANT to feel repulsed, so why would I bother paying any attention to your appearance?

You don't control what other people see. You CAN control what you see. Look for the parts of yourself that don't disgust you completely. Learn to love even the smallest fraction of yourself. Do appearance-related things that make YOU feel good, that feel authentic and true to yourself. Things that make you feel like your body is truly YOURS, regardless of whether it's beautiful or not.

I'm not even out, I certainly don't pass, and I honestly doubt I ever will to other people. That doesn't stop me from looking in the mirror and seeing fragments of the woman I'll be one day. It's taken me years, and progress has been too slow to actually notice it, but it's definitely happened.