Hey, i dunno I felt like doing a bit of an update about me.

Off meds completely but hrt. Never found something that is okay with my body yet.

I dunno I think I am doing a burnout because I have been unable to last more than 2 days at work.

Getting some progress on roller derby though. I'm glad. Got my own gear and 🛼. And to be fair having different wheels and pair make it completely different in term of balance. That was harsh.

Anyway hope yours days are good, tomorrow psychiatrist appointment. Maybe I'll have meds that works. I don't know

I'm feel even more confused about what I really have nowadays. Gonna work on it nonetheless.

Anyway hope you all have a good day you pretty folks :3

💜

Lily

Hey everyone. Hope your days are good lately!

It's been 2 days since I started a new medication yay, I am now officially a battery. Just joking because it is lithium yay!

Something about suspicion about me being bipolar. Although sometimes I feel more like it is borderline and even then, the symptoms doesn't really match...

Anyway I don't know. If this help whatever I am me whatever my mental health problems.

Lately I've been discriminated by my boss. Me wearing a dress at work is not professional (not even the one in the picture). He reproached me taking my sick leave basically and qualified it as "strategic leave". I basically called the suicide hotline right before it just wow... If wanting to live is one then yep it is. I've been threatened to be replaced too.

I went there thinking he would just try to take some news about me coming back to work. I feel naïve or maybe deep down I want people to be not complete assholes.

Anyway there was a question about my derby name from Ada if I remember right. I was thinking about LilyPad. Feels like it's a fun wordplay. As I tend to fall a lot too, started 2 weeks ago. But always quick to get up 🤭. Sometimes people there wonder if I made of rubber. Or do you have any idea for a fun name?

As for last. Gosh I signed up on a dating app. Heck, I have never had more like in my entire life. I barely interested anyway before transitioning it's kind of weird. I expended a lot my social network just wow... It's feel weird leaving the phone for a few hours and getting so many notifications (Getting slightly anxious because of it).

Anyway take care everyone wanted to share a bit me.

Hey, well I haven't been much active lately.

To be honest mood has been a bitch. Up and down a lot with some bad thoughts and all. At least I'm not alone but gosh this is getting hard. I'm honestly feeling like I'm failing at life like what is the point.

I know this state is temporary but heck I can't seem to find the medical support I need.

On a side note, I started doing roller derby🛼. Gosh I'm really out of shape. But I know in the long run it's going to do good. It's a bit like life, I'm falling down, it's physically hard to keep up but I'm getting back up eventually.

It's hard to reach out. Even if I do what am I to say? I don't know what's wrong with me. What can they do? I'm at good E levels, T low. It is a mental health thing. But the more I try to understand my problems the more I feel like I'm going into a rabbit hole and left even more confused.

I feel like it's because I started digging a trauma I'm pretty sure is hidden in my memory. Because I know the impact it had on me not who or what. (But I have my guesses because I have a few triggers now I've learned to understand)

Anyway, another good note is that I feel more and more feminine. Dysphoria is now a bit less problematic but still having troubles with my own body.

Stay strong everybody. I'll try to be. I have been so far. I have made so much effort to be where I am today. I'm not going waste them. Sending love 💜 Lily

Hey folks, well this week for me has been mostly good except for some talks that put me in a bad mood (like made me skip dinner and nausea). At least I learned a lot more about DID.

Just sharing a photo my friend made of us during the festival last week-end.

For some reasons I feel tired all of a sudden now rather than slowly getting tired. I don't know where that comes from saddly.

Anyway Hope your days are good :3

So I went to some kind of sale event that happens like once a year and found these nice things :3 I payed like 65 euros for the whole thing.

Yay! Just happy thrifting :3

It's been a while since I went out to go to a concert. 3 groups are playing that's awesome. Mostly metal bands.

I know some people like loud music but I can't go to concerts without earplugs.

And guess what I freaking danced... Danced with stranger. I would have never done that before! And went into the mosh pit several time. My shoe needs glue now lol :3

Tomorrow night 3 more groups. That's going to be awesome as well.

Hope you'll have all a good day. Be yourselves! And show that you exist! (If this is not a danger for you!)

I finally have my appartment!!! 🎉🎉🎉

The next few days will be hard too to move all the stuff we need to live together me and my partner.

I'm already sore from getting furniture and lifting heavy furniture... Still happy though.

We're probably done Sunday. Yay!

In other news i'm ginger again, and i'm glad my father still got his minivan. It's in poor condition but it's still working.

These last days with Sertraline have been awkward. Right now, I'm in a good mood and having mood swings is annoying as hell. Well, feeling the withdrawal of SSRI because of unwanted side effect (hypomania). My GP told me I should stop. After 4 days of stopping SSRI my mood shifted from groggy, feeling like shit,headaches to goodish :3

Tomorrow will mark the 8th month since I started E. This is easily the biggest change in all my life. Divorce, coming back to my parents, loosing 25 kg (I've been stagnating for 3 month but still), moving out soon to another appartement with my new partner, volunteering to local trans association, coming out at work, parents and family, having a bigger social life in 8 months than in 8 years. Feeling sometimes happy about my body. There has been some low points, a lot, lower than before sometimes. But overall I'm fucking glad to live again.

Well I'm sharing some joy. Here a picture of me slightly tired at the end of the day looking like I would normally. Without any make-up but a new dress 👗 Yay!

Next photo I'll be ginger again :3

Hope your day have been good too!

(PS: Just noticed how big my breast is now on the picture, I love it :3)

Hey, just prepared myself to go out and since I really like how I look I decided to share :3

Gotta go to the insurance to pick one for my future apartment! Yay! Moving out with gf during the 1st of September! Got to pick up a parcel for my father. Probably gonna eat something downtown too.

Tonight is drag performance on the street!

Anyway to all the cuties out there, hope you have fun (stop denying it too! ) ૮₍ ´ ꒳ `₎ა

Hey, today I'm feeling a bit at peace and I'm trying to love myself. When I see all the cuties, I'm happy to see you shine and glow. (I wish we could see more representation for trans men).

It's harder to love myself and I'm trying. Wishing you a good morning and I hope that you feel better in your bodies day by day.

At least I can say that I like my legs, haven't shaved them since last July 18th there but hormones and hair removal worked quite well. (I can't believe I've let that much time here without shaving)

Anyway I liked the honest selfies, the one where we don't try so hard. So I'll bring mine.

I still have a little bit of make up around the eyes after a messy cleanup yesterday 😅 (was tired). But I tend to be like that most of the time so it reflects me quite well.

Ii dunno right now I feel down, well to be honest being apathetic too and I think it worsen the ADHD symptoms too (that is not diag yet but, I have too much traits to not think I don't have it). There are some things I known that some things are partially responsible (like relationships - even though it's getting better, living at my parents, my divorce).

I've been feeling this for a bit lately and dysphoria hits hard whenever I feel down and everything. It's becoming hard to do important things for myself. I had a few days ago, I had some bad thoughts which led me at some point to call the local suicide hotline. They did nothing really unless I would plan act on it. (only telling me to find some help trying to redirect getting therapy and a psychiatrist. Which is pointless because finding one fast would lead me with someone unsafe where I live - I had a testimony from another trans person. Competent would require me to go far and last criteria safe for trans people - how about finding a golden egg? Would probably bit easier...)

I know I don't want to act on these thoughts. I'm on my own to find help (requires a freaking lot of efforts even if I told these censored I was having more and more trouble to do things for me.

I hope my GP will give me some SSRI that matches my need. I'll try to explain my situation in 2 days. I had taken an appointment 2 weeks earlier but that's long when you're down.

I pushed myself again these 3 last days to help my love which needed me to escape her abusive husband. It still left me physically and mentally exhausted. It's still easier to help others than myself but still hard.

I don't know what I'm looking for typing this(probably some help, a bit of vent too). Maybe you have practical advice while waiting for medication to get and to work. I'll get through this I know that, always have so far.

Anyway I hope your days are better than mines and I wish you all some happyness.

Just came back from this evening. 2 am right now :3

It was more of a viewing party of an episode from season 4 of drag race France co-hosted by 2 wonderful drag queens that performed during the evening. Awesome night met lot of queer people :3 Won that artwork through lottery so cute I love it

From : @mewliharmonia (not sure which social media)