Do it like a tequila slammer: drink a shot of water, lick instant coffee, bite into a creamer cup.

Make a gallon of instant, store it in the fridge. When u want a cup, pour it and warm it in the microwave. You're set for weeks!

I can’t find it now but I once read a (probably Reddit) post about an engineer who had access to extremely high pressure hydraulics, and force-extruded ultrafine coffee through a semipermeable membrane at something crazy like 100bar.

Edit: Oh you said anti-elitist. Nevermind, my bad.

Instant coffee, the cappuccino kind with disgusting powdered milk and caramel flavored.

I think the worst and most offensive coffee I ever drank was out of a vending machine which also served soup through the same nozzle.

Instant in warm water from the tap, without running the tap for it to get hot. That would take too much effort.

My husband used to microwave water and use that microwaved water to make instant coffee. I think mixing it then microwaving it is the only thing that could make it worse. Or instant coffee from the spoon.

Put a pinch of grounds between your cheek and gums.

For all the people mocking instant: it will never be a great cup of coffee, but some aren't half bad. Also very easy and convenient when making coffee flavoured drinks or deserts etc...

I am definitely a coffee snob. I roast my own single origin green beans, manually grind to perfection and pour over/espresso with the best of them.

I do turkish coffee, mocha pot, and even my own chocolate covered coffee beans and a home distilled coffee liqueur. I still have a jar of instant coffee...

Buy a cup of Tim Hortons.

Get some unroasted beans and cook them like pinto beans.

Meh, making good coffee doesn't have to be elitest. Good coffee can be very accessible.

Whole bean unbroken put into a pot on the stove boiled for quite some time.

Fuck you in a cup

Edit: put instant into an espresso machine

Cowboy coffee. Pot of water and coffee grinds, boil, shock with cold water to drop out most of the granules, drink

Pour instant coffee into a bowl, add milk, and eat it with a spoon like a bowl of cereal.

1: Get the coffee from any fast food restaurant delivered (Burger King is real bad)

2: (Optional) Microwave it since it'll probably be cold

3: Too Much store brand flavored creamer (not cream, can't have real dairy) in it

4: Topped with the fakest whipped "cream" you can find. Preferably just a spoonful of the stuff you find in the freezer aisle

Technically still coffee, but I think this would be illegal to serve in at least 50 countries. Will be a solid 1/10 cup at best, both in terms of taste, and aesthetics

Chew a coffee bean and then take a swig of water

I think making bad coffee in a bad way is not offensive to coffee snobs. What would be offensive to coffee snob would be to get some extremely expensive boutique coffee beans and prepare them in a snob way where each step is wrong. Example:

• get single original, unwashed fermented with who knows what 80€/kg beans
• prepare them with a Chemex, using a recycled filter paper (if this ever exists)
• measures your beans in a measuring cup, 5 cups / L of water
• grind the beans with a blender (any grind size is fine)
• skip weting the filter, just put your grinded beans in the filter
• boil a tap water kettle to 100°C
• pour all the water at once until the filter is topped up (do not measure obviously)
• wait until it drains
• server and enjoy

Microwave some store bought coldbrew. Only drink that style of coffee

Grap a bag of pre-ground coffee, the cheaper the better, and throw a bunch in a pot along with cold water straight from the tap. Place on the stove at high heat and serve once its boiling. Cheap, easy and requires no special equipment and likely terrible.

Beans and water in a blender, then to the microwave?

Grab a used cup of instant ramen from your trash, add coffee beans (don't grind them), add water from tap (any temperature is fine), put paper ramen lid on top and allow to steep. Forget about it and then drink it an hour lster.

As a different approach is coffee ice cream technically coffee? Scoop into mug, put in microwave, and heat until mug is unsafe to touch.

Just eat the beans.

See, I envision this as something that a semi-normal someone might think of as a slightly unusual yet perfectly fine way to make coffee, but that would baffle a coffee snob.

Boil plain tap water in a pot, or maybe a plain beaten up old kettle, if you never one. Bring it to a full boil.

While that's going on, pull out your nicest coffee cups - like if you have the ones with the little saucers, that's great. Put them on a tray with a doily if you have one. Put cream and sugar in formal containers, with a special small sugar spoon (or tongs if you're going with sugar cubes). Have some small pretty napkins to go with, maybe a bud vase with a rose and some baby's breath.

Get some ground (or maybe instant?) coffee and put it in a couple of those single-serving tea infusers. Put them on the tray as well.

Let them see you in the kitchen, pouring the water from your manky beat up pot/kettle into the fancy cups. Put everything on the tray and bring it out. Then blithely put the tea infuser into the cup and let the coffee steep at the table-side, like if you were having tea.

It's fancy enough to have them questioning whether this is some special way of preparing coffee that they're just not aware of (or maybe a new TikTok trend), but it's really just you messing with them.

buy pre-ground coffee. that's guaranteed to be the worst.

instant granules sprinkled on top of ice cream, call it an affigato. Bonus points for international roast.

The one I experienced in France long ago. We had been driving through the night and were in desperate need for coffee, so we stopped at a small rest stop. Ordered coffees for all of us.

They had a large, battered metal pot on the stove, and used a soup ladle to pour the coffee into the mugs. Complete with coffee grounds. Nobody knows how long this stuff was simmering there. It could have been days. Or weeks. Or since B.C.

I like my coffee strong, but that stuff was vile.

Kopiko hard-candy + hammer + water + microwave.

"Laziest", an "get creative", are in conflict.

Step A) Mix 1 Tbs of instant coffee for each 2oz of roasted beans. In an old crew sock.

Step B) Put the sock on the counter.

Step C) Hit the sock repeatedly with a cast iron skillet for about 5 minutes.

Step D) put the sock with coffee still inside inside a 40 oz stanley tumbler.

Step E) drive around until you find someone having a baby at home.

Step F) wait to see if the baby lives. If so they won't need the pot of water they bolied to make dead baby soup. Congratulate them and take thier water while it is still steaming.

Step G) pour the water into your Stanley and decant your fresh coffee. Should be ready in 5 minutes. Remove the sock, squeeze out any coffee juices into Stanley.

Step H) enjoy?

Turning the script. the most "elitest"

Buying an expensive esspresso machine only to never calibrate it and use pre-ground supermarket coffee.

Grounds in paper filter, dunk in water, then suck on it like it's a used teabag. Bonus points if you have a cup of water nearby to re-moisten the grounds every so often.

Hit the coffee seeds with a rock and then toss the dust in a cup of water... a cold one.

Camp coffee. It comes in its own filter, like a tea bag. You throw it in a pot of boiling water, and it turns to coffee.