My wife's cousin is in a similar situation. She never left home or got a job or a driver's license because she was always too scared, and her mom always let that slide, since she didn't want to make her daughter scared or uncomfortable.

She thought her job was to protect her daughter from all the stresses of the world until she was ready, but failed to understand that she won't be ready until she's experienced some of those stresses in a controlled environment like most kids do when they're in their teens and their parents push them to get a job and a license.

It came from a place of kindness, but ended up being a major mistake that now both the kid and the parent are paying for.

This situation may sound ridiculous, but I've got a cousin over 40 in essentially the same position. Never worked a day in her and still lives with her parents. No one really knows what's going to happen when they pass, but no one appears willing to let her live with them. Myself included. Not that i'vd be her first choice anyway. I live half way across the country.

Again, assuming this has any basis in reality, I think it's likely that the parents have made many attempts to get the guy to change before and this is the last resort. They probably didn't wait 38 years and then one day just decided "this is it".

to cut them off cold turkey

How are you reading it that way?

Having to "beg dad for money when I want a pizza" doesn't sound like someone being coddled, it sounds like someone who's been told a thousand times to get a damn job and move out. Plus they're not even kicking OOP out immediately, they're giving them until their birthday.

I mean it is obviously fake, but still

My parents made sure to give me a will to fly the coop by making sure I couldn't fucking stand to be around them

I almost think OP's situation with 20 years of enablement is worse because it offers a persistent safety net, then rips it away

Yeah time to kick him out was when he was 20ish +/- 1 year. Since you get a very good idea by that point if that adult is able to take care of himself. I have 3 people in my life (2 cousins, 1 family friend). Who are in that exact situation. I knew even when they were 20 that they're not given the right skillet to ever be independent. And have no motivation to be independent on their own. Now they're all in their 30s. I always their parents talking to my parents about how to make them independent and refuse to still cut them cold turkey.

I mean parents fucked up for sure, but it's not too uncommon unfortunately. All I ever remind those parents is, I will not help someone who isn't trying to help themselves. I'm not even close to them. But 2 out of 3 have tried asking me for money.

Its not "cold turkey", because hes had 15 years to work on it. If he hasn't, then it's kind of left over Turkey from last weeks thanks giving which has already been re-heated several times.

The best time to kick him out was 15 years ago. The second best time is now.

We all die at the end of our lives. A small mercy.

How's the state pension over there? Here in the UK its pretty good, if you have paid off your house anyway. I would be richer than I am now from working if I had a pension but no mortgage.

If you also had to pay housing then it could be kinda rough, but I have lived alright on less.

I regularly tell my parents that the reason I am not like so many Americans, is that I have a supportive family. I live with my parents, but I would likely be homeless if they weren't here for me.

Me at 22. Was homeless as well. I make decent money now almost twenty years later and I still look at prices and think back when I used to dumpster dive.

It sucks at 19 and isn't really fair because getting started is so much harder these days. Now imagine you were twice as old and had never tried to do anything with your life.

I'm in the same boat. Plus I was "unschooled" with neglectful mentally ill parents so my education REALLY suffered. Funnily enough I'll be turning 38 soon... but I've been working hard for decades and have a career and family of my own now thankfully

While the time from child to mid twenties is definitely the parent's fault, after that point you can try every trick in the book it won't achieve a thing. Once someone masters weaponized incompetence they basically need a life or death wake-up call to do anything about it, and even then they might still not learn anything.

No one's literally impossible to reform, but many people cross a point that requires a practically impossible amount of investment to reform.

It's bad parenting alright. But I don't believe that they've never made an effort before. More likely the guy has resisted any attempt to get him to be independent.

I mean 20 adult years and never having a job indicates some real problems. What they are is anyones guess but you'd think they could have managed to get something in those years that could at least buy pizza and games if not a bit of rent and a beater.

The parents probably feel like they're out of options in terms of how to make him move in a positive direction and they are also running out of time as they are or reach retirement age, how can they afford themselves and him on a fixed income?

If he was 18, doing some sort of education/training, or just lost financial footing for a bit that's one thing but whatever is going on there is something else.

I'm in my 30s, back at my parents' for the umpteenth time and I hate it but goddamn am I grateful.

I'm 30 and have been back home since the start of last year, after having lived elsewhere for a decade.

Then traveled in autumn and got laid off at the start of the year in a sector (software) that's experiencing talent excess. It's basically impossible to get an interview, their reaction when I told them I'm moving back to the capital to get a bachelor of education is kind of wild. they're both like, wouldn't you like to stay a little longer?

I'm just like, guys I've been unemployed for half a year. Without any entrepreneurial ideas. I'm not about to start a company. I need to do something...

I see it. If you feel you've tried everything in your power sometimes a person needs the feeling of falling out of the nest to learn to fly

Getting a car without a job is very difficult.

*in the US

Is it? Most people I know dont drive to their job

Yeah how are you supposed to carry it home otherwise?

my last unemployment check just hit my account. Not even a single call back in 6 months. I’m scurred.

Yep, I think kicking your kids out when they turn 18 is fucked. But, it's better to do it at 18 than 38.

I don't know what the solution is, but it's not this.

I'd start with making them understand that independence is good for everyone involved. Then small steps towards independence, starting with a simple part-time job. The important part here is that they see more people than just their direct family, to show them the different ways people can function in society.

If this works out, help them identify some personal goals. The hard part of being a shut-in is that you have no agency over your life, so you give up on all your goals. Once you have a little agency, you can start finding goals again. Simple ones at first: saving up some emergency funds, getting a driver's license, making a weekend trip to get out of the house for a couple nights.

Also assuming they are classic shut-ins and not caretaker-type shut-ins: learning how to take care of the household, cooking, developing skills around the house. It's low barrier to entry, they are already in the house after all.

Source: was a NEET for 5 years

Depends on how you define it. I knew a couple of guys who just grew up and did a boot camp and got programmer jobs, or took a job with their parent or friend of parents company. Also a few women, and one guy, who just married a wealthy spouse so they could continue to be moochers forever. One or two had their parents move out and give them the house while they did low-wage work.

I have never known anyone of the 'basement dweller' variety though, these are all wealthy folks from wealthy families who had tons of social connections. I met them in college/graduate school.

Also knew a couple of people who just never had a job and lived on poverty-income but from their inherited stock returns. They were into speed running games..

Ooh deadass? I don't think they have them in my city let alone country yet, but when they come, I'll be ready