I've had a quick run through your post history and the common problem you are facing everywhere is communication. You are trying to figure out your partner's intentions by analyzing their subtle actions and gestures, while expecting them to somehow read your thoughts and figure out what you expect from them. Well, it doesn't work like that. If you can't read what they are thinking about, neither do they.

The solution: talk to them. Be more specific. Drop all the subtle hinting and just tell exactly what you want, and ask exactly what they want (you do want to know what they want, right?).

Simple dialogue switches relationships to super easy mode, try it.

if you want dirty talk, and specific words upset you and you don't want them involved in the dirty talk, you need to be VERY clear about that. most people that aren't into dirty talk have no idea at all what it even is and some think it's just saying swears. you have to tell them what exactly you want and you have to tell them what words and attitudes you hate.

Lol! Awkward! To be fair, you did ask him to say something dirty. It's just unfortunate that he opened with something you aren't into.

Communication is the key to great sex. Don't be afraid to let him know you aren't into that word...but try not to be too hard on him for not knowing that, ahead of time.

You asked for dirty talk and are now upset over slut? This dude is thirsty as fuck doing his best to respectful and you’ve put him on a wild ride of confusion here

🤦

If he is pressuring you to do more than you are comfortable with, he's no good.

That being said, it also sounds like you have a very specific plan on how everything needs to happen, and I suspect you haven't actually told anyone what that plan is. One theme I keep seeing in the story is that you've corrected him at every step of this relationship and it sounds like you're frustrated that he isn't sticking to the script that you've written in your head.

Assuming he isn't just trying to get in your pants, cut him some slack, and see how your story plays out instead of comparing it to your expectations.

I noticed he didn’t ask about my parents

Don't think I ever asked a girl about her parents

After a while, I asked if he could say something dirty but was shocked when he said “you’re a little slut aren’t you” when trying to dirty talk. He didn’t apologize but admitted he’s not good at it.

I'm also not good at dirty talk so if you're asking for it, it won't come natural and you shouldn't expect nothing weird to come out.

He wanted to finger and go down on me at the same time right off the bat, whereas I’m more used to fingering on its own first to let things unfold gradually.

Wtf why not do both when you're down there anyway? I think you're overthinking this.

As to your last paragraph: you're treating us as your close friends who've known you in person for a long time and know about your previous relationships and possibly have met the person you're talking about. None of that is the case and we really can't help you by analysing your interpretations of subtle actions and words.

Slut is a perfectly reasonable word to use in dirty talk ... seems like you don't want dirty talk.

I mean this in the kindest way possible but after having run across pretty much every one of your posts I think:

You shouldn't be dating. You seem to have some internal issues that need to be worked out before you get with another person.

You should get tested to see if you're on the spectrum.

Examine your orientation or at least what you are really wanting, in a therapy setting.

I am old now, and have had failed relationships because we simply did not communicate our thoughts. The best thing to do is to sit him down in a neutral environment (where it is relatively safe for you) and explain everything clearly about your expectations, your boundaries, your plans, etc. Do not leave anything unsaid that can be left open to interpretation. It is always possible he is severely misinterpreting something. If you think he is worth being with, then good relationships take work and people are imperfect. But also if you suspect you may be in danger at any time, you should trust your gut.

Completely unrelated to advice or anything, something about "I'm something of a traditional girl, so I like to get fingered before I get fingered and eaten out at the same time" struck me as just very funny.

Like, not I'm not even laughing at you, it's just the juxtaposition of "traditional" with "fingered and eaten out together" that struck me as amusing. Like "I want to get finger-blasted while kissing, like my mother, and her mother before her" 😛

Didn't you post this yesterday?

Wanted to comment on the “dirty talk” aspect… I suggest you spend a little time talking with him about what kind of stuff you’re into and not into. Give him some context and maybe he’ll do better if there is a next time.

Regarding the overall vibe check it seems like things are progressing nicely. If he’s taking feedback and being proactive learning about your preferences, those are good signs IMHO.

You two are not compatible.

There's a lot of green flags in your post and a few red flags for him (especially being overly critical and not willing to go to your favorite place).

But there are a lot of red flags for you, and very few green flags. You've got some internalized patriarchy affecting how you view relationships: chivalry, you like when he pays, you don't seem comfortable with sex or open communication preferring that he read your mind. These are all problems you'll want to work on if you want a relationship with a decent guy. It feels to me like you're looking for a partner who treats you like a tradwife but you don't seem to want to take that role. I don't think you should either. The way you're approaching relationships means you'll either end up disappointed with a decent guy because he'll expect equality and open communication, or feel oppressed in a tradcoded relationship.

Work on yourself for a bit before trying to date again. Finding someone you're compatible with right now will be challenging if you don't put in some work.

The best advice I can offer you is to not take dating advice from Lemmycels.

How about you just have an honest convo with him about what you're into? And ask him point blank about his thoughts.

talk dirty to me!

Oh my god, he talked dirty to me!

Well... Yeah? Also, there is nothing wrong with a guy being very sexual. If thats not your thing, find someone who is more compatible with you

Also, don't overcomplicate love, or life for that matter

I would never date the way you describe, so I will refrain from passing judgement if any wrongs are being done.

However, it sounds like you have multiple reservations and preferences, especially around physical intimacy, that aren't being communicated until they are crossed or become an issue for you. It's impossible to say from your description if he's particularly insensitive to your communication, but strengthening your communication skills will help you avoid these situations regardless of the recipient.

Perhaps you would appreciate practicing being more active in asking and steering your interactions, perhaps better checking in with yourself about when and where your boundaries lay, sometimes it's about speaking up or getting confirmation that you're heard, or simply treasuring yourself. With a broad array of tools, you will be able to navigate more situations and people. With skill and practice, you shouldn't have to ever have your boundaries accidentally crossed, and also more easily handle situations where they might be disrespectfully challenged.

I would perhaps also recommend looking into ND friendly dating/relationship strategies. Regardless if you're ND or not yourself, the tools and strategies support people in conveying boundaries, managing expectations and being clear in communication — before incidents happen.

1. A voice phone call might be a good way for you to talk with him about this stuff, since it gets rid of some pressure while still conveying some feelings.

2. If you asked him to say something dirty and he reached into his bag of dialogue and got something that wasn't your thing, then yeah, say so. It sounds like he's got an internal LLM that's trained on porn, and gave you whatever its statistical estimator said was the most likely word.

Do I even want to know what a sex swing is? Never mind, there's a Wikipedia article about it.

Yeah you might be a bit too reserved for someone like that. Have a conversation about his intentions.

Rules 2 and 5

I'm just going to be blunt here... And, in the words of Lil Dicky, let the man freak.

Y'all have been on five dates. The guy has probably spent a considerable amount of money taking you out, planning dates, and doing whatever it is you wanted to do. And now, he wants to get his dick wet.

Meanwhile, you're sitting there psychoanalyzing the guy, trying to figure out what he meant by the word "slut" after you both agreed to engage in dirty talk?

The guy wants you something awful. And understand, I'm not saying your consent doesn't matter. It absolutely does. But you also have to be willing to empathize with the man and understand where he's coming from.

A relationship is a two-way street. It's about give and take. You can't expect everything to revolve exclusively around what you want, what makes you comfortable, and how you feel. You have to consider what the other person is feeling, too.

Empathy is an important part of any relationship, and based on what you've described, it seems to be in rather short supply here.

You can just straight up say you don't want to be called a slut. Dirty talk doesn't need to be degrading. And even if you're into being degraded, it's okay to have specific words you don't like being called.

first see if he says it again before speaking up?

Definitely don't do that, because it happened and you disliked it. The sooner the better.

I'm only specifically commenting on that, as it's really the only part I feel confident commenting on.

I would wait before your intimate again for communications on the subject. Dirty talk is kind of hard, maybe explain what you want. Idk, relationships are complicated, he doesn't seem like a bad guy. Sounds like he hasn't dated in a while I guess.

As a term, "slut" pops up a lot in porn. I think most men are desensitized and don't realised it isn't a favorite with everyone.

Candidly, it sounds like your partner may be a bit more experienced and one of his past partners may have liked that kind of dirty talk. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it creates a power imbalance that should be explicitly discussed and obligates him to go slow and communicate with you (both talking and listening). Hopefully he is wise enough to check-in, bring you some warm brownies in bed, and ask how things were and what you liked or didn't like. I'd rather have a bruised ego and know how my partner feels than consistently live in the delusion that I'm a sex god who can do no wrong. Good communication builds good relationships. Talk about it, suggest stuff you could do that you enjoy. Wishing you the best!

I'm not super keen on some of the comments here. No one is outright calling you prude, but it's leaning that direction. You don't owe anyone anything and you have a right to set boundaries. Just do your best to communicate so people who are looking for something else can catch your drift and swipe left.