egg🫙irl (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
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[–] 2 points 1 week ago (5 children)

I would, but there's not much room. So if any attempt, however private, does indeed lead to stronger and more real urges to explore further, I will only have intensified my sense of loss.

I still remember the feeling and scent of the lipstick I tried a bunch of times. The mascara.

I see myself doomed to go the path I'm already thrown in. And since deeper thoughts about being a girl are rather new, I can more easily chalk it up to the anxiety and pressure of the last few years of my life. Maybe wanting to be a girl is just a way to escape my reality, my anxieties, or even some of my responsibilities. I can't even be 100% sure about that, but I guess that's the more pragmatic way of looking at it.

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  • [–] 4 points 1 week ago (2 children)

    I see myself doomed to go the path I'm already thrown in.

    It's your life and you don't need to do anything, but please don't fall into the trap of thinking it's too late to discover and embrace whatever version of you is most authentic. As long as you're still alive, there's still time.

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  • [–] 1 point 1 week ago (1 child)

    I agree, but in a "stoic" way.

    Some things can't be, even if only because we may not have predicted that we would want them.

    For practical purposes, I will go with what another commenter said. I had thought of it myself. It may as well be true. Idealization of the feminine, anxiety, low self-esteem, a deterioration of a sense of self.

    Yes, I would have loved to try a whole lot of things. Even if to quench a curiosity, even if to just play. But I know that if I keep digging, and I'd have to dig alone, I will be more and more alone and lonely. Even if there is something very real buried right there.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 week ago (1 child)

    Many people transition later in life. Someone in my friend group only transitioned in her mid 40s.

    You don't have to go all the way in one shot, too. A different friend just dabbled by painting nails and changing hair cuts for a while.

    Talk to a therapist, probably.

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