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Me_irl (lemmy.zip)
submitted 4 months ago by to c/me_irl@lemmy.world
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[–] 39 points 4 months ago (47 children)

He accidentally made an argument for not blaming your parents since you'd move out of the building rather than continue moving to various floors in it.

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  • [–] 55 points 4 months ago (21 children)

    Yeah, at a certain point, you can continue to blame them, but the responsibility to fix it ultimately falls on you regardless. Go ahead and blame them, but don’t use it as an excuse to not work on yourself and improve.

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  • [–] 31 points 4 months ago (15 children)

    Like most difficulties in life, be it trauma, neurodivergance, or any number of other issues; they're explanations, not excuses.

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  • [–] 8 points 4 months ago (2 children)

    Blame is a mechanism specifically designed to absolve oneself of responsibility. "Hey, I just wanted to let everyone know this fucked up thing I do is because my mom didn't tie my shoelaces properly.". The people affected by your actions don't need to know why you do this fucked up thing, they just want you to stop doing it to them.

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  • [–] 9 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    It can be, and is often used that way, but it doesn't have to be.

    And, generally, knowing the root causes of problems helps in best figuring out how to fix them.

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  • [–] 5 points 4 months ago

    My therapist mentioned its 80% awareness, 20% adding effective skills. But it can take a long ass time to rewire the engrained habits with new neuropathways habitually remembering and applying effective skills

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  • [–] 9 points 4 months ago (11 children)

    Much like mental illness. Your depression doesn't stop you from working out or going for a walk, but it might make it really really hard to start. You can use that as an excuse and never start or you can acknowledge this is why you never want to start. You just have to do it, or rely on someone to get you to do it like a good friend or partner.

    If you let depression stop you from walking you'll never walk and get the benefits from it which could help you beat or mitigate depression. Maybe after 2 years of daily walks you won't be depression free, but its almost guaranteed you'll be doing better.

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  • [–] 9 points 4 months ago (9 children)

    Or you can just die which depression sometimes leads to -- like it's a disease. How come some people survive cancer and some don't? The disease is different for each person. Same with depression.

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  • [–] -5 points 4 months ago (8 children)

    Not doing things like walking or other things that have been proven good for mental health when you have depression is akin to not getting treatment for cancer. Some people still die from cancer while on treatments, but a lot more of them survive than the ones that don't attempt treatment.

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  • [–] 6 points 4 months ago* (7 children)

    Yes but you're missing the fact that some people with sever depression just can't make their bodies go for a walk the same way someone with a severe cancer diagnosis might not be able to just make their body go for a walk.

    Depression fucks with your brain such that you dont think it makes sense to do something that is good for you, if it was that simple nobody would ever hurt themselves, but they have a disease that messes with their brains' ability to think clearly.

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  • [–] -1 points 4 months ago (6 children)

    I get what you guys are saying, but at some point you got to do something. If depression makes you just sit around staring at a wall for 2 years, I get it. Explanation.

    If you do it for 10 years however, you're really just saying "I can't. I'm depressed." Excuse.

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  • [–] 1 point 4 months ago* (4 children)

    No at some point you dont got to anything, you can just die from your disease. Would you tell someone dying of cancer they should have just tried harder?

    Like why do you get a 2 year depression but you dont get a 10 year depression? What do you know about the disease that it makes sense to you to last two years but not ten years??

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  • [–] 1 point 4 months ago (1 child)

    It's not like you're gonna drop dead if you try to take a walk. And if you have cancer you do chemo, right? You don't just sit down and go "welp, guess I'm gonna die".

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  • [–] 4 points 4 months ago

    Or, better yet, rather than blaming, realize they are flawed like all people, and that they accidentally or purposefully instilled some bad qualities in you - the sort all people have.

    Be mindful of the origin of those bad qualities and how you have acted over the years to reinforce them. Then, knowing the origin of your bad behaviors and ways of thinking, you can improve.

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  • [–] 11 points 4 months ago (3 children)

    If each floor of the building is a year in your life, what does moving out mean in this metaphor?

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  • [–] 19 points 4 months ago (5 children)

    You can't really move out though. The metaphor is that your parents construct the lower floors of your building based on how they raised you. In real life, you can't un-raise yourself or rewrite history, so moving out and into a new building with better foundations isn't an option. Best you can do is get some outside help to throw in some external supports for those shaky lower floors.

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  • [+] -7 points 4 months ago (4 children)

    As a 50+ yo that cut contact with his parents decades ago, I know that you can most definitely move out. I am aware that many of my negative behaviors were formed in my early years due in large part to my upbringing but there came a point in my life where I was aware they were due in totality to me choosing to continue those behaviors. Although I will never be confused with a saint, I'm a much better person and my choices in how I behave have absolutely nothing to do with my upbringing. The old building with the bad foundation hasn't been part of my life for decades.

    The analogy is the embodiment of victim mentality, meant to help a person feel powerless regarding why they make poor choices. Staying in that building is a choice each person makes. It's not a prison.

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  • [–] 5 points 4 months ago

    You can find new role models, you can build new supports for those weaker floors and maybe even completely renovate some of them with enough work. You can theorize the new floors you want to build and rework your existing floors to get there.

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  • [–] 3 points 4 months ago (2 children)

    In the metaphor, the house is you. You can't move to a new house, you are always you.

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  • [–] 0 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    If your interpretation of the metaphor is correct, it's an even worse metaphor than originally thought. "Your life can be compared to a chocolate candy bar. You can never get rid of the candy bar, you will always have it and you absolutely must partake of the candy bar whether you like chocolate or not, your only option is that you can bite from the other end of the candybar. Because metaphor."

    Sadly, we have to work with the metaphors we're given. In the case of the fictional house with many floors, I can most definitely move from it to escape a shitty foundation. You, it seems, can not. I can't help you with your house, I can only worry about mine. Best of luck on your house.

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  • [–] 3 points 4 months ago

    There is no correct really, its all up to our interpretation. Its a form of storytelling. It can be hopeful to me and upsetting to you, and thats alright. Make up your own story and tell us about it.

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  • [+] [S] 5 points 4 months ago (4 children)
    [deleted]
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  • [–] 6 points 4 months ago* (6 children)

    So you don't understand metaphor?

    Go on then - "move out" and build a new society... Whilst you're at it, stop aging or "moving up floors".

    Fucking how are people so munted they don't understand metaphor?

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  • [+] -14 points 4 months ago (5 children)

    That reads like you most often breathe through your mouth.

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  • [–] 10 points 4 months ago (3 children)

    Believe it or not, some people can read and write without having to mouth the words.

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  • [–] 0 points 4 months ago

    Exactly. If you're 12 and you can't legally be employed and independent, you can very much blame your parents for a lot of your circumstances. As you age this gets less relevant. I have a couple friends in their 30s whom live at home and never really had jobs or finished school. A lot of them still blame their upbringing which could have put them on this path, but at this point the path they continue to walk is their responsibility. Its gonna be hard, its gonna suck sometimes, you're gonna have to take risks and things might get worse before they get better, but taking your own responsibility for it is often your best course of action.

    Sometimes being able to blame yourself for certain things is good, it can help you grow and learn. If your parents have failed you for 30 years, why are you still banking on them as part of your plan? Not to say you have to abandon them full stop, they may still be worth keeping in your life but you have to start directing your own life and taking your own responsibility for it.

    Maybe your parents didn't care enough about school when you were a kid, as an adult its time to take that into your own hands, many places offer free high school equivalence programs to catch up and often help get you employed afterwards. It might be a shitty job, but its not their fault you waited til 30 to start and now have no relevant skills or experience to advertise. Work that shitty job for a few months and at least it becomes a point on your resume for the next job. It can let you develop universal skills like time management and meal planning which can better prepare you for future positions.

    I can't blame you if you didn't get a head start, but i can blame you if you don't even participate in the game.

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