"I am recording this message as testimony in case I die tomorrow April 20th 2026. It is not an accident. Johan the noisy upstairs neighbor who throws cigarette butts onto my balcony and yelled at my kids for laughing too loud may have poisoned me. Do not let him get away with it."

I love you, Dad.

We're low-contact and he's had some health scares. It's a sensitive relationship, but I still love him.

Telling my family the passwords for my bank account. Should be pretty obvious why I haven't said it yet

I've said enough. Sometimes too much. I'm more likely to regret what I said, but I've pretty much made peace with myself and my mistakes. What's done is done.

I doubt I'd regret nothing as I would be dead.

Mekka lekka hi, mekka heiny ho!

Whew! Glad I got that off me chest!

Tell my wife I said "Hello".

“And there we go. I’ve successfully stolen all of Elon Musk and JK Rowling’s wealth and used it specifically to donate to transgender youths charities.”

I haven’t said it because I have yet to accomplish it.

Not much really, maybe not telling my partner how to maintain the tank for our axolotl.

Apologies to some people. Haven't given them because sometimes it's not the right thing to just pop back into their life. Giving them no contact is the next best thing to telling them I was wrong and that's what they'd prefer.

I never hated you. I've just been disappointed in the choices you have made that led you to become the person you are today. you were always my hero, until you stopped caring.

to my older brother who has surrounded himself with white trash MAGA centric people and has become an unfathomable closet racist.

I haven't said it, because it would probably remove any possibilities of seeing each other again.

growing up I always kind of looked up to him. he had to deal with more fucked up shit from both my parents than I ever had to. I admired his spirit to never give up and to continue moving forward.

then one day, he just kind of settled. I think he just was afraid of being alone. thing is, he's surrounded himself with empty husks of human beings that use him. he's still alone, just alone with parasites.

I love you
I never said it because I never felt that way about anyone. My family doesn't count.

"Burn my ebook reader in a consecrated fire, that it might follow me into the afterlife. Don't forget the charger cable."

Actually, nothing, but perhaps I wish I had said some things more often?

"I won the big lottery?!"

I haven't.

Having said or having done?

Baby come back! (Do do do do do,) You can blame it all. On me!

Can you put on a condom?

None, I speak my mind

WUBBALUBBADUBDUB!