There's no queer police coming to dictate who isn't valid.

Fuck/don't fuck whoever you want, you'll always be valid.

#NoQueerCopsAtPride

Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.

Whether you describe yourself as "asexual" or "demisexual" (or "straight' or "gay") only matters when you're looking for a new partner and need to choose how much "what do you mean by that" you want to put up with.

Don't worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It's not what defines you.

You are 100% valid.

Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn't an all or nothing thing.

What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is "sexual first"? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.

One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.

Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.

Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.

Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!

Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.

If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.

Not a stupid question at all, but my recommendation would be to worry less about labels.

Who cares about the label? You're a human being with all your little quirks and capabilities, just like everyone else and I guarantee you that nobody fits any label perfectly. A label is only required for those with a need to show off the label.

See also https://dlm-econometrics.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-average-man.html?m=1

I don't see any reason you can't be anything you want to be.

Labels are meant to help you navigate and exist in the world. If it's achieving that, it's the right label!

Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That's even a common friction point in relationships.

Yes you are valid. There is a microlabel that you may relate to, if you're looking for it:

Reciprosexuals don’t feel sexual attraction until they know someone is attracted to them first. This can create a dynamic where attraction follows mutual interest rather than leading it, different from most other orientations.

But ace is ace is ace is ace. If you identify as being on the ace spectrum, you are valid. If you change your mind later, you were (and are) still valid. You do you boo.

Just ignore the labels. They're one-size-fits-all ideas made up by strangers at some point, so you'll never be able to properly wear any of them. They're ultimately pointless things anyway.

dude im struggling with this exact same thing T_T ace has such a "strict" definition that i technically don't fit into but the label has always felt right to me and i relate a lot to the asexual experience. but yeah what everyone else is sayin— you're still valid and you can consider yourself whatever you want. also, labels are tools, so if they aren't helping and are rather causing distress, then dont even worry about all that :)) (easier said than done, i know)

I was gonna just say "yeah, that's textbook demisexual" but at the end I see you realized that already.

Not sure why you feel possibly invalid when it sounds like (based on this post alone) that you are the actual dictionary example.

I'm still kinda figuring it out, but I'm thinking I'm double demi for now (not sure if there's another word for it).

For me I am far from completely nonsexual (basically allos' only version of defining "asexual"), but it would only be important at all in a solid relationship (if I could even get that being demiro).

I just don't feel an urge to go out and "get some", but if someone I felt familiar and safe with just landed in my lap naked, then something has a decent chance of happening.

I consider that valid asexuality. It might be kinda "dictionary"-like too, but you don't see a lot mentioned of people having the green and purple stripe (demiro/demisexual). Or at least I don't.

There might be a more accurate sublabel for your exact position, but so long as the label is serving well enough in it's purpose as a communication tool and it isn't getting in your way in other ways, then there's no reason to fret about it.

see, what you did here by explaining your sexuality, is how you should approach it in general.
Pick whatever label gets the basic point across (sounds like demisexual is the most apt, but since it's quite niche to know what it means "ace" might be more useful), and then if anyone actually needs to know the precise details you simply explain it to them like you did here.

The label doesn't define you, it's just there to summarize your unique experience.

I feel like this describes me and I call myself demisexual, I'm only attracted to people who are attracted to me after years of pursuing people who hurt me for wanting them.

You can be a valid Apache Attack Helicopter if you want to be. Nobody else gets to decide whether that's valid except you. You might confuse or even mislead some people, you'll have to be prepared for that, but before you consider whether it even matters that some people get confused or misled, you should consider why it's any of their business in the first place, because it probably isn't. If it is, then by all means, check whether it's valid with them, not us.

I mean, I'm a pet to a very sweet Master, who is ace, who is dating a boyfriend who is also ace. I don't think I've ever heard anyone else say they have an asexual master/mistress/dominant, yet here we are. We play super rarely, but I still get off thinking about what he can do, what I've told him is 'safe', so when we are together he could just pin me down... he just usually doesn't take the opportunity. I'm also insatiable, but I'm also demi, so I need to know someone first (decent conversation, personal details, chatting at length..), or they are involved somehow with us, in order to start to be attracted to them ('pet, this is my friend I was telling you about...' for example) before I start to think about banging them. If/once I hit that point though, the train ain't stopping.

Labels can be useful for establishing a baseline, but you don't need to confine yourself to a rigid 'standard'. And just because you don't feel like you conform to what is expected, doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong or aren't 'valid'. Nah, anyone who says stuff like that isn't worth your time.

Try explaining how this works to a full sexual on a dating app. You’d think you had shot their animal companion with the given reaction.

I managed to explain this to family members who took it upon themselves to ‘educate’ me on dating.

only one family member got it cuz they are the same. Meanwhile the others gave me odd looks and stares and continued to attempt to lecture me how dating works. Like I get it. You gonna just bang whatever moves cuz ‘nature’. Maybe widen your scope a bit that others are not like you. But also maybe we need to talk about how consent works.

I'm like tthat too, never really cared about sex, I prefer to deal with it myself when needed, but my partners liked it so I did it.
I never considered myself asexual because I do feel atraction to men, I like kissing and touching just don't care about sex.

I just always thought I have a low sex drive. I was married for 5 years but stop dating about 10 years ago and feel finally free.

Yes.

-- Frost