Get this: The Pope gave me syphilis

Or just tell them why your car isn’t working:

This is going to sound crazy but the ghost of Hitler died in front of me.

I was minding my own business and Boom! my nephew gave me syphilis.

I know youre going to hate me, but the ghost of hitler posted my nudes on instagram

I know you're going to hate me, but the kid from air Bud gave me syphilis

.... I do not like this game

Get this, a high school marching band stabbed me.

Et tu, tromboner?

Please forgive my absence, my Tinder date found my box of human teeth.

I feel terrible but a sad clown died in front of me.

Doesn't track. One less clown in the world, why feel terrible? (/s if it's not obvious).

Please forgive my absence, a professional cricket team stole my bicycle...

This is going to sound like an excuse, but Dan Rather found my box of human teeth 😬

I was minding my own business and boom! My Tinder date poured lemonade in my gas tank

I feel terrible but a high school marching band stabbed me.

I regretfully cannot attend, the kid from Air Bud just shit the bed.

I feel terrible but Dan Rather posted my nudes on Instagram.

Get this: the kid from Airbud stabbed me

This is going to sound like and excuse, but the ghost of Hitler pour lemonade in my gas tank.

Also: I can't go because the cricket team is having a nervous breakdown.

Commonwealth's peeps tell me I'd this isn't just a normal state of affairs? Something along the lines of Hockey players getting into fights, and American footballers having concussions?

I feel terrible but the kid from Air Bud is having a nervous breakdown.

this is going to sound like an excuse but the ghost of Hitler just died in front of me. i gotta go.

I know youre going to hate me, but Dan Rather posted my nudes on instagram