Guess I'm going to heaven 😎

Not because of this post, but because no sex

All puppy girls go to heaven

It's only sex before marriage if you get married.

Just never get married, problem solved

You're allowed to have sex before marriage if your fellow Jehova's Witnesses jump up and down on the bed and your genitals accidentally fit together.

This tracks about as much as soaking/jump humping or "sabbath mode", so fucken go for it.

Since "all dogs go to heaven" isn't mentioned in the bible but is generally accepted christian doctrine, it's actually dogma, which is way funnier.

The torture and brimstone is more a thing to keep the boring people out of the eternal orgy in hell.

You can't go to hell or heaven, because they don't exist.

That being said anal sex is still best sex.

It's the
✨Poop hole loophole✨

If the gang calls me a dog before they rail me in every position they want, does that count too?

I mean, I've known a considerable number of Christian girls/women who have argued that if you just take it up the ass, you're still a virgin, so it's just anal untill marriage, and thus you're a virgin when you walk down the aisle, so its all good.

90s/00s purity culture logic.

Like, this was so pervasive at my high school that I once knew a guy who was ... as we would say these days, gonna shoot his shot.

Planned lines:

Guy: Did it hurt?

Gal: Did what hurt?

Guy: When you fell from heaven?

Problem was that Guy was totally unaware that there was a rumor going around that Gal had actually just been butt-boinked by her platonic male friend.

... So, after the opening line, she just slapped him in the face, began crying, and ran off... presuming he was referencing the rumor.

Guy had no idea wtf had just happened.

i do knot see a problem with this logic

What if sex is gay, and gay marriage is not legal in this country, does it count as sin?

Lol

Haha, loop-hole, get'm?

So that's why they call it an analogy

I dated a few Christian girls, and just let me say, they can be pretty freaky.

https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?list=RDj8ZF_R_j0OY

Can't believe I'm the one posting the video.

Lazy so-and-sos.

Jokes on you, I’m already in heaven when I fuck my unmarried dog’s sweet sweet puppy pussy.

The internet really has a talent for turning wordplay into “logic” like this. Not exactly theology, but definitely creative humor.

The Bible is bullshit, heaven doesn't exist, God is an imaginary friend who is sadistic AF.