The first heartbreak is just the worst thing ever. The conditions may feel difficult to validate, but the emotion you felt is real. You're not the first to experience something like this and blame yourself, even though it's unlikely you're as at fault as you think. You may benefit from professional help to learn to forgive yourself.

at 19, there are few things you could do to ruin your entire life. this is not one of them, unless you let it. youre just a kid with plenty of time.

move on, grow as a person. learn to like yourself, because you show signs that you do not.

you should not jump into any romantic relationships until you can learn to be happy as an individual, with yourself.

What you did was a mistake.

• You are not stupid. You are not crazy. You did something you wish you could change and are blaming yourself.

• You have not ruined your life, but if you let this hang over your head, it will ruin things until you forgive yourself and move on.

• If you can make things right (apologizing, asking for a second chance, etc.), do it. If you can't get things right, then accept that you can't fix the past, but you can fix today and the future by learning from your mistakes.

• You're not going to find another person like him. Just like YOU, he's one of a kind. That does NOT mean there aren't others you can have a happy relationship with. That also doesn't mean there could be someone better out there who could make you happier. But if you wallow in self-pity, you might miss out on finding that person.

Your life is not and should be entirely predicated on your partner. If you can’t stand on your own, then all you’ll ever do is offload emotional labor onto your partner.

Also, 19 and 32 is a bit of an iffy age gap to begin with. I’m willing to bet significant money that he’s emotionally immature and can’t date within his age range.

First and foremost:

I've been completely broken and plunged even deeper into this relentless cycle of suffering and self-hatred.

This needs to be addressed before you try to pursue any other intimidate relationships or you’re setting yourself up for failure.

How recent was this? If a relationship ends, grief is pretty normal. I really don’t know how you did „fuck it up“, but i know it it’s important to understand why you did that, what your limits are and what led to this.

You are neither crazy nor stupid because of this. Maybe it was a mistake (maybe not). This is okay, people learn from mistakes.

I really would like to know what you did, but of course, if you don’t want to tell that is okay.

It is important to accept the grief as what it is. You won‘t chance the outcome of this relationship, but you might be more aware of future mistakes and problems you might face.

Maybe you fucked it up. But then again, maybe he did too. Or it was a mutual cock up. It's hard to know. Even for those who lived through it.

Take your time to recover. Yoga helps! Exercise does too. Take care of yourself. Then slowly let yourself open up to the prospect of someone new. When you're ready.

Your life is not fucked up. You have decades ahead. But you do have to go through the stages of grief and work your feelings through before you'll be ready to try again.

Good luck!