Your life is not and should be entirely predicated on your partner. If you can’t stand on your own, then all you’ll ever do is offload emotional labor onto your partner.

Also, 19 and 32 is a bit of an iffy age gap to begin with. I’m willing to bet significant money that he’s emotionally immature and can’t date within his age range.

First and foremost:

I've been completely broken and plunged even deeper into this relentless cycle of suffering and self-hatred.

This needs to be addressed before you try to pursue any other intimidate relationships or you’re setting yourself up for failure.