I'm really sorry everyone...this is all my own damn fault, I'm not denying that in the slightest.

spoilerI was planning to die today. But I guess I'm not even capable of doing that.
This is all because I'm such an overdramatic, pathetic loser, an excuse for a human being. After an appointment with a new psychiatrist where her first question was "What is your deadname?" and after she told me I "started HRT late", I just fell into a deeper spiral. Now there's uncertainty if I'll even be able to go to Thailand for SRS, which made me full on suicidal upon finding out, so I just kinda...broke.
And there's the constant regret of not starting sooner, constant self-deprecating and loathing from feeling like I'll never be a woman. Hating my face and body every single waking second.
I'm just...depressed and not doing well right now. And I'm making it everybody's problem.

I'm sorry, but I guess I'm sticking around. I'm not dead just yet. I'm making a new account and starting over. But...at least, maybe you'll believe me now that I'm not actually a good person?
I'm really sorry. I'm actually the worst. I know that.

Maybe I should have died. Maybe. But...instead I guess I'll bother you all some more, again, from zero.
I'm sorry for being such an unimaginable fuckup...

Sincerely,
a very depressed trans girl,
Miisha

all 74 comments

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[–] 26 points 1 month ago (2 children)

You are loved, you are valid, and I know that you are beautiful, gorgeous and worthy!

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  • [–] [S] 9 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    I don't deserve words as kind as those. And definitely not beautiful, you'll see once I start posting pics on my new account 😂
    Thank you ❤️

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  • [–] 2 points 1 month ago

    You don't know what any individual sees as beautiful. My tastes are mine, thank you very much, and I am unique goddammit!

    Seriously, most people are hyper critical of how they look. Most folks hate the way they look in photos and how they sound in recordings. This isn't a trans thing. This is a human thing. The trans part of this just amplifies that feeling sometimes. So, recognize that and accept that some people will love you and find you beautiful exactly as you are, no matter where you are on this trip.

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  • [–] 19 points 1 month ago (2 children)

    love, please allow us to be present for you. i don't want you gone anywhere, even if it's not up to me to decide (your choice).

    you will always be :

    • a woman
    • a woman
    • a goddam beautiful woman
    • valid
    • loved
    • heard
    • expected here

    you are a wonderful person and i am utterly shocked and angry beyond sanity for what the psychatrist dared to told you !

    i am tempted to ask for name and shame the fucker here, but itd be better to tell to a local group nearby your location so that she cannot harm anyone ever again.

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  • [–] [S] 6 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    Loutreeee 😭
    You're such a sweetie and I really mean that ❤️. I got every one of your messages during the current and previous spirals. I really appreciate your concern. Thank you so much for being here for me <3
    Love ya, girl 🩷

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  • [–] 16 points 1 month ago (2 children)

    Girl listen to this 54 year old telling you that no one ever starts transitioning too late. If it makes you happy, don't look back.

    It took me decades to get over my self hatred. But it doesn't need to take you that long and honey you are doing amazing and you are stronger than you realize. It takes huge guts to come back and be here. Do not be ashamed. You are a badass.

    That psychiatrist sounds like a fucking idiot. Fucking yikes. You are not a bad person but you need a better therapist. Keep working on it, mental health can take a long time to smooth out but you can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. 💜

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  • [–] 9 points 1 month ago

    Thank you. I honestly hope it doesn't take me as long. Life would be a lot more fun without these worries

    Badass? Me? OwO

    The psychiatrist is the worst. I'm not really sure I wanna go back there, despite her being my main and only SSRI source...

    Thank you so much 🩷

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  • [–] 5 points 1 month ago*

    winters pile
    wise the wrinkle
    speaking truth.

    explanationTried to write it as a haiku, following the rule that in Japanese, you write haikus using morae, not syllables. I think they'd be analysed as:

    wi•n•te pa•il
    wa•is the wri•n•ke•l
    spi•ki•n tru•th

    but if I wrote it wrong, here's a syllable-based version:

    Up pile the winters
    wise in wrinkles of life hues
    truth cracks in fire.

    I hope it came across right, I wanted to say that you put it down very well :D and spoke a great truth. A truth nuke if you will.

    💜 1
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  • [–] 14 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    I'm glad you're still here ❤️

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  • [–] 13 points 1 month ago

    i'm very relieved you're still here! nobody here think you're a bad person, on the contrary - there are a lot of us here who love and want to support you. please keep bothering us :3

    also, sincerely, fuck that therapist, and not in a good way. nobody deserves to be treated like that.

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  • [–] 9 points 1 month ago*

    Omg jfc i was so worried about you, please take care of yourself sister, i love you. I cant stand thinking about the worst happening. I dont want to see you go ❤️❤️❤️

    Edit: wish i could hug you until all the pain goes away, hoping that through the internet is enough ❤️

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  • [–] 9 points 1 month ago (10 children)

    I did not realised you erased your real account. I don't think anybody on blahaj hates you, and you are not a bother. You are giving activity to the community and without you and my precious little bitch, I would still try to repress everything. You are giving me hope with HRT even if I am older than you (your butt, omg) and that psychiatrist can eat all our shit combined. You are a sister and now I just want to offer you a big hug and sushi care with a hot beverage (chocolate, tea or whatever you want)

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  • [–] 8 points 1 month ago (9 children)

    Mel, that's so fucking kind of you 😭
    Tysm sis ♥️. I actually love sushi!

    The psychiatrist can go screw herself, really. She's just...bad

    Your...precious little bitch...do you mean Loutre? 👀
    And what about my butt this time? 😭

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  • [–] 5 points 1 month ago (8 children)

    Yes the cute little otter, mine

    Didn't you post a pic of your butt at some point ?

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  • [–] 5 points 1 month ago (7 children)

    I see. I'll leave you two to it then. Have fun girls 🩷

    Didn't you post a pic of your butt at some point ?

    Oh I've posted many 😂
    More are on the way 😆

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  • [–] 5 points 1 month ago (6 children)

    Your butt is really pretty 👉👈 and I would like to have one as pretty as yours (for my little bitch).

    Please get better 🫂

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  • [–] 5 points 1 month ago (5 children)

    Aww thank you, that's super sweet of you ❤️
    I'll get better. I will 🩷

    Also...we may be rivals now 😂 /j

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (4 children)

    Maybe some day ^^ and if Loutre agrees when the time come

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (2 children)

    damn am i about to live the horniest dream life ever ? 🤤

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  • [–] 7 points 1 month ago

    I am not trans. I have no trans friends. I am a male in Australia who is nearing 40 years old.

    For what little my viewpoint carries in this sub, please know that I'm glad you're still here.

    You deserve love, happiness, acceptance and kindness just like anyone else. Please try to see the good in yourself. You are more than just your gender and your body. There are beautiful things about you, whether you're hairy and masculine or tiny and feminine, or anywhere between.

    Look for the good parts of you. The parts that are YOU at your core, regardless of genetals and genders. You are worth having around, whether your mind and body match fully, or not.

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  • [–] 7 points 1 month ago* (2 children)

    🫂 We're glad you're still here

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  • [–] 6 points 1 month ago

    Fuck that psychiatrist. We're glad you're still here

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  • [–] 6 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    I can only sent you my hugs, we are here for you, unconditiobally. If you need to vent, talk or just Chat about all the important nothingness I am here for that.

    You do not take up anyoneS space, this space is specifically for you to use as it is for everyone else who needs it. There is plenty Space for us all. I am happy you are still around!

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  • [–] 6 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    the world is a better place with you in it, keep your chin up. youre loved, beautiful and deserve to be with us together!

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  • [–] 6 points 1 month ago

    We do not believe in good and bad people, so no. We don't believe that. However, even if we did we see no evidence you are bad, just in a lot of pain.

    We are glad you are still around Miisha

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  • Does it matter if you're "a good person"? Lots of folks here like you, you're nice to have around, and we're glad you're still here. I think that's what really matters.

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  • [–] 5 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    Girl, hey hugs. I think you are valid and you are a woman. That is the truth.

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  • [–] [S] 4 points 1 month ago (20 children)

    Y'all should be angry at me. You should hate me, at least as much as I hate myself. I'm taking up space in this community that other people need and deserve...god I'm pathetic

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  • [–] 8 points 1 month ago (17 children)

    no.effin'.way i ever get angry at you. told you many others here and i, all of us really, love you.

    🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 take some hugs, got an infinite amount for you.

    you are a vulnerable sister who's been told horrendous things by someone who should know better and should not see any trans people ever again. heck ! she should be banned from being a psychatrist

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  • [–] 4 points 1 month ago (8 children)

    Hi from new account!

    You are officially French sweetheart now 🩷
    Hope you're alright with that tag/title...

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (3 children)

    how lovely of you 😊 I am totally fine with it

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (3 children)

    new account? we doing tags now? you, my dear, cannot escape from the tag i gave you last month!

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (2 children)

    Ngl, I was looking forward to getting back my tag 😂. "Housegirlfriend" is just such a cute, wholesome term.
    Thank you so much 💜


    You are officially Mistress of eyeliner now! Hope that's okay...
    You did an amazing job with that eyeliner post tho. And your face is super pretty! ❤️

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  • [–] [S] 3 points 1 month ago (7 children)

    Loutre, tysm 😭
    Yeah she was pretty bad. Still gives me trazodone and escitalopram tho and I wanna try those to see if they help. She's my med supply for now...

    Thank you so much ♥️

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (6 children)

    I'm there and I ain't going anywhere so … feel free to message whenever you need to

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (5 children)

    Tysm 😭

    About the user tag...I see you have someone (someone very nice), so if it's too much, just let me know and I'll get rid of it ❤️. It's just a silly little thing

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (4 children)

    don't worry about the tag, it feels perfect as is :3

    yup she's my special someone ^^ I love her so much for being there for me and I do my best being there for her 🩷

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (3 children)

    That's really wholesome! Super happy for you two. Best of luck and much happiness, lovelies ❤️

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (2 children)

    thank youuu 🩷

    (btw i see she called you sis, so your are our sister :3)

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  • [–] 4 points 1 month ago* (5 children)

    You are valid and seen and we support you. It is never too late for transitioning and self discovery and blooming into what you want and are meant to be. We want you here with us, we welcome you here, and you can take all the space you need.

    By the way: you are a woman because you are a woman. There is no other justification wanted or needed.

    Edit: Forgot to give you a hug 🫂 you clearly need it

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  • [–] 4 points 1 month ago (4 children)

    Thank you so much, omfg 😭
    I really do need a hug ♥️

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  • [–] 4 points 1 month ago (3 children)

    None of what you wrote makes you not a good person. You are struggling and you need help, but that has nothing to do with a moral judgement. I hope we can provide you with a little support with our words.

    Another hug 🫂

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  • [–] 2 points 1 month ago (2 children)

    Thank you. I really am struggling...but I think it'll get better. Thank you so much 🩷

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    It will! There will be rough days, but hopefully the worst is behind. There will still be battles but you will win the war. You are amazing and you rock 🎸 even when you don’t feel like it, even when you are low, you still shine

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  • Miisha, honey, you are loved and valid and absolutely 100% a woman. And I’ve heard you say so many times that you’re ugly, and you very much are not! There is no such thing as too late to start HRT, and that new psychiatrist sounds awful. I’m glad you’re alive and here, and I hope you stick around ❤️

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  • [–] 4 points 1 month ago

    I'm so incredibly glad you're still here. Please don't do it.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago* (1 child)

    Yeah, yeah, just put the yaoi pictures in the bag /s

    I'm an internet rando here of you ever need to talk

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago

    I see my past is catching up to me 😂
    These days, instead of yaoi pictures, it's mainly boob pictures, horny oversharing, nudes, more boob pictures and memes :3
    Thanks tho. That's actually super nice of you 💜

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

    Girl, don't delete the damned account! (Oh, nvrmnd, too late. But at least you replaced it with Miisha). We're just getting to know you! And you are loveable as fuck. You are being yourself and sharing the real you. It's amazing and wonderful. Don't toss that aside. The world needs that in it. We need you in it.

    Your apologies are to no one, because they aren't needed by anyone. We just want you to stay here and become the woman you don't realize you can be. There are countless stories of trans women becoming the women they want to be after years of being sure they could never achieve that. That's a thing. You are in it and you will have that story to help others with when you become the woman you want to be. You just don't believe it yet, and that's the most important part of the story. So good. I'm glad you don't believe it yet. That will make your story even more helpful to the people who need to hear it in the future.

    Stay here and be amazing. Right now that just means being your authentic self. You need to be nice to yourself, and give yourself time and space to grow. It was tough growing up once. Now you get to do it again, so let's actually make it fun this time. It's possible. I promise.

    Also, get a new therapist. This one sounds dumb as fuck. I just want to sit around and talk shit about them with future you.

    The world is filled with terrible people. You ain't one of 'em. Your existence dilutes the asshole ratio and therefore improves the lives of everyone around you. Depression makes that very hard to see. Let's address this depression by finding the right therapist. You might have to go to a dozen of them to find the perfect one for you. But that will be the most important shopping you ever do in your life. Totally worth it!

    Ok, now take two shrooms and call me in the morning.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago (1 child)

    Welcome back. We love you, we love having you here. You are a good person. The only bad person in this story is that psychiatrist.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 month ago

    I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. And seriously, fuck that psychiatrist. You'd think especially someone like that would be a bit more tactful in choosing their words 😒

    I'm not very good with uplifting words, or good advice. But I just want you to know that you're a wonderful woman, and I'm always happy to have you around. ❤️
    You're nothing of those awful things you claim to be, and I hope you'll get to see that about yourself again soon.

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  • [–] 2 points 1 month ago

    Never apologize for being alive. We're glad you're still here. You are a beautiful woman ❤️

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  • [–] 2 points 1 month ago

    missed u Miisha... I know I'm still relatively new to all this as well but I still wanna give u a hug ❤️

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