And that's how I used to be back in the day and that shit destroys your mental health. And when you do "slip" it's always worse and more exaggerated because of the repressed feelings. I would think that there was something wrong with me and I hated that part of me. I wished that I was completely straight and would internally shame myself whenever I had "gay thoughts" because I thought it made me less of a man. But at the end of the day, nobody cares about how manly you are except for people that want to feel like they are better than you or people that want something from you.