The slightly bolded "not" really sells it.

Why do people buy bottled water anyway. You can get it from fractions of a penny at home.

Is it from Dasani Peckham Springs?

The label is raising a lot of questions already answered by the label

I would bet my wallet that this water is objectively worse than tap

Water from the ditch round the back, now with no bits!

Do they have water for tables that can't keep still?

Do they also sell no longer table water?

I'm pretty sure it is from some tap

For legal purposes, they’ve trademarked the tap water filling spout and have all signed contracts forbidding them from revealing its name.
Ol’ Squirty George enjoys a life of privacy, although not one free of controversy, as people constantly ask “but that’s just tap water, isn’t it?” and then they have to sign an NDA before being told that’s not a tap, that’s Ol’ Squirty George.

When the lawyers come for me, tell my wife I wish I’d planned better.