I have a day off and just spending the time playing boardgames with my husband. Soon we'll reheat some curry and naan bread from yesterday. (Homemade, tikka masala style but with soya chunks and chicpeas)

He's awake. It's. Not great. He's going to have an extremely rough road ahead of him. But he's awake.

I have to go get a mammogram soon, because yaaaay 40. I mean, it's more the insurance only covered this yearly because 40, while the first mammogram was from concerning things that weren't concerning, but okay.

The chest freezer arrived, plugged in, filled with food.

Entropy is exhausting.

I'm going to vent here so I don't get in silly fights on the internet: with the whole Nvidia affair thing, the affair partner might be working for the chinese government but she's also a whole ass adult woman with a career in tech, not a "honey pot". All these memes are racists and sexist as hell and also factually incorrect, which annoys me to no end.

It is also glossing over the security threat of established people being recruited by government agencies. Another annoyance lmao.

I'm so fucking annoyed. I'm having such a heavy week. Probably trigger, don't read on. (How do you do spoilers?) Hes ok, but My grandson escaped school and ran straight on the road, and I was watching from too far away to do anything. Cars stopped, the teachers assistants got to him. (They were balling afterwards, I hugged them and told them it's not their fault, he's fast and smart and doesn't understand danger).

Everything else pales in comparison. But just Everything has been going wrong. My telly got smashed last night. The air con in my car stopped working and it's a throw the car out catastrophic failure. Annual bills came out of my grocery money I wasn't expecting. I had to unexpectedly fork out a grand for a part for a new car (dad's trying to give me the rest of the car free though, so really actually a bonus, but right before xmas). I'm having to flip tables with child safety as my grandson is living with me, has a hugely underfunded ndis plan, but I can't do anything to change it without powers to sign things. And it's starting to risk his life. I'm exhausted. I'm so exhausted. I'm grateful for life, things are just things. And out of this bad, I've seen so much beauty. People pulled together to fix the locks on the gates and advocated for big changes for my grandson. I feel like I have a village. But damn, can life just stop gut punching me for a bit.

Eta: thanks for listening if you read this far, here's my current song obsession I've been listening to on repeat. Fitting for right now https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=iEZjTzPVwbk

Today's the day I go back to a useless and humanity-degrading psychiatric institutions I walked away from 2 years ago after useless therapy and medication for a condition I did not have.

My goal is get medication for ADHD. I think I have reasonable chance of walking out with a scrip, and, thankfully, no therapy is required.

In other news, the therapist I selected specifically because she identifies as having autism, already abandoned ship on any AuDHD-focused work in the second session. Her advice after not being able to get a career together and finding out that I like moves: have you thought of being a movie critic? maybe on youtube? Her idea to overcome the starting friction on projects was a little better--to go to the library and do my projects there.

But all the things I expected from reading Autism and ADHD roadmaps--self exploration, re-contextualization, values clarification, passion-finding, examining core beliefs about self, etc.--were not there.

I could feel the sense of relief in her voice when I mentioned some friction I was having in a relationship-- finally, I heard, something normal I can help him with. She was so enthusiastic that we talked about it for the rest of the session and she made sure to tell me to she wanted to talk about it more for the next session.

I wrote her an e-mail yesterday saying I really did want maintain a focus on task completion and I expect I'll be firing her in the next session.

It's funny, because I'm thinking I would be doing her a favor convincing her to train to be an ADHD Coach, which seems pretty lucrative and she has an LCSW, she might be able to make bank. But I can't afford to see one myself and insurance doesn't cover coaching.