Uhh, my self hate only pushes the boulder back down the hill. I don't get it.

Your self hate fuels action

My inaction fuels self hate

We are not the same

My boulder is being pushed by directionless rage, but the results are similar

I think self hate should be whipping motivation to do it. Self hate drives the motivation. I don't think it replaces it.

My exercise game only hit overdrive once I embraced my own toxicity: self-hatred, competition, narcissism.

Over exercise (> 2000 kcal), under-eat (< 1000 kcal), 6-7 days a week for several years. It was an effort to even smile by the end of it.

I crashed out at one point and decided to exercise only out of love. I hate running, despite how good I was at it, but I did love cycling, and so I just cycled and found a nice balance, but never fully hit those performance peaks that I did when self-hatred was the motivator.

You watch star wars and laugh at how childish Anakin is when he embraces the dark side, but I genuinely got it; it's an incredible intoxicating motivator to think you deserve the pain and to then inflict it back on your body double-fold. If your hands and feet aren't bleeding, then you're not doing it right.

'Course, getting a remote job changed all that and now I'm an indoor cat with too many tech hobbies and zero sport ones. It's amazing who you are in your 20s compared to who you are in your 30s. Literal night and day

I got a pretty good team of that guy and his massive mate Fear of Redundancy. Now that guy can push a boulder.

I mean, it works. When I was my most depressed I convinced myself to do important tasks to spite myself because I didn't like doing them. Basically nonharmful self harm "I don't deserve to be happy so I should do these things I don't like doing."

Something something Sisyphus something