Comic Strips

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[–] potoo22@programming.dev 52 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I wouldn't say it a true work-around, but my father has told us he will not do anything we *demand* of him, but if we make a *request* which he can turn down, he will usually be okay with doing the task. He likes being helpful and appreciated. A "request" from authority or with consequences if he turns it down, does not count.

This may not work for everyone, but it works for our family. And it only works because he's old enough to be near the top of family/social authority. He was a rebellious son and there was no workaround for him to obey his parents.

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[–] gibmiser@lemmy.world 25 points 2 weeks ago

Hey, could you get on that for me? Thanks bro

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[–] DarkCloud@lemmy.world 8 points 2 weeks ago*

Autonomy needs a sense of belonging. So reassuring yourself that you made the choice before being asked.

...might want to keep an eye on the guy in red though. If he assumes your acquiescence too much you'll get "thwarted belonging".

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[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 18 points 2 weeks ago* (14 children)

I've literally just started calling my mum out on it. I tell her, "I was literally going to, but now I won't out of spite" so that she knows not to do it and that I'm just as petty as her when it comes to being told to do something.

It's actually started to help

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[–] glibg10b@lemmy.zip 7 points 1 week ago

For me, that would be a great way to get kicked out of the house

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -11 points 2 weeks ago (12 children)

You're detailing a tantrum you've thrown over not wanting to do chores and think you've won something over your mother?

Who cooks in your house?

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[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 37 points 2 weeks ago* (10 children)

When I visit my mother in her house, she treats me as a child despite me being a grown adult by quite some many years.

If there are dishes in the sink, I naturally go to rinse them off, that is, until she says something before I get there of "there are dishes in the sink and you're not going to wash them?"

It's little things like that. I don't know if it's entirely conscious, or if it's a control thing for her brought out by her own mother's endless criticism of her every action, but it's a hurtful thing where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason. You can ignore it and breed silent resentment, or you can address it.

I've started addressing it.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -31 points 2 weeks ago (9 children)

An implication where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason.

Since when is asking someone to do the dishes after they cooked you a meal at this level of resentment?

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[–] Benign@fedia.io 24 points 2 weeks ago

When you are diligent, and someone still feels the need to pester you about whatever, it feels harrasive. She doesn't trust him to do it on his own. That is hurtful.

Who cooked the meal has no impact on that.

I think you are projecting issues in your own situation onto tetris11.

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[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 24 points 2 weeks ago* (7 children)

Depends on the tone, whether it's an accusation of your general being. You know how parents can say things in a way that seem innocuous, but are used as a way to control or denigrate in some small way. You couldn't name it as a child, but as an adult you know exactly what it is, and is the reason why you limit your visits to only so many hours.

You still love them, they still love you. But it's hard for them to shake off old behaviours.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -21 points 2 weeks ago* (6 children)

I'm sincerely sorry that your relationship with your mother is so damaged. And I'm sorry that you're stuck in petty tit for tat with her as a means to gain control. It sounds unhealthy and I hope it gets better for you.

Aside from that, using something so communal as dishes to demonstrate this social interaction is wild to me. Dishes need to be done every single day. To not do a communal chore like that because of spite in an otherwise healthy household is absolutely unhealthy and breeding resentment.

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[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 24 points 2 weeks ago* (3 children)

Out of respect, I don't quite think you understand how close my mother and I are. Me calling her out on her control tactics and expressing my feelings in response to it isn't the start of a petty war. She laughs and nods. I laugh and nod too.

It's the start of self awareness in breaking a cycle, and she gets what I'm trying to do and respects it.

Often she forgets, because old habits die hard, but it's getting better

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -14 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

It's the words you chose to describe your relationship here with her that I'm picking up on.

“I was literally going to, but now I won’t out of spite”

Like this would be so deeply unsettling for me to hear from a family member after I've cooked for them. I would be so upset.

but it’s a hurtful thing where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason.

You think your mom thinks the worst of you for no reason.

You know how parents can say things in a way that seem innocuous, but are used as a way to control or denigrate in some small way.

These statements made me react that way, it sounds so unhealthy and I am sorry your relationship with her is like this.

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[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 12 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

No worries at all, my relationship with her is pretty good. I guess you have to know someone before you pass judgement on them. I was giving an instance of one of the few negative behaviours of hers. She has overwhelmingly many positive ones.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 1 point 2 weeks ago

That's good to hear :)

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[–] chrisashtear@lemmy.zip 14 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

You sound like a sealion. Stop being a dick.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -10 points 2 weeks ago

I'm literally talking about the subject at hand. You're not using that term correctly.

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[–] sumsinj@lemmy.world 2 points 1 week ago

You are assuming like 10 layers of the relationship in this whole conversation.

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[–] dou9m@lemmy.ca 3 points 1 week ago

I swear ADHD makes this shit 1000x worse

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[–] Malica@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 week ago

Me too, from autism

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[–] surewhynotlem@lemmy.world 2 points 2 weeks ago* (1 child)

You gotta reply to this post

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[–] univers3man@piefed.world 3 points 2 weeks ago

Nuh uh!

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[–] aeiou@piefed.social 44 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

I think fully half of the fights with my mom growing up was due to her telling me to do a thing, in the most naggy, demanding tone, as I was doing it

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[–] AzuraTheSpellkissed@lemmy.blahaj.zone 17 points 1 week ago (1 child)

Worse: This, but with a fiancée... "Eurgh, you never do any household work!" "Seriously? Sure we can have that discussion, but like... literally while I'm vacuuming?!"

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[–] scratchee@feddit.uk 12 points 1 week ago

Urgh yeah, the absolute social misplay of using someone’s decision to be productive as an excuse to badger them about how rarely they are productive.

Like, this is human interaction 101, don’t punish good behaviour, bite your tongue and enjoy the win, save the discussion for when they aren’t being productive!

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[–] Thebeardedsinglemalt@lemmy.world 2 points 1 week ago

A lot of mine were me just returning from a different room, and the process of sitting down, and she says shit like "oh while you're up" or asks if I could get her something from the room I just returned from

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[–] Randelung@lemmy.world 34 points 1 week ago (1 child)

I eventually got over the feeling. My response is an "already on it" in the sense of a playful "i beat you to it", and I expect an "awesome, thanks" in turn. That way it's gratitude and support for each other - since that was the intention to begin with - instead of resentment for an unnecessary reminder.

Imo it helps to remind oneself that mental load is a thing and they're reminding themselves just as much as you. Getting ahead of the reminder consistently will eventually make the reminder obsolete and lighten the mental load.

[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 9 points 1 week ago

What a breath of fresh air in this comment thread. You get it.

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[–] CalypsoGirl@lemmy.today 20 points 2 weeks ago

Reason # 5,348 why I love living alone.

[–] Vince@lemmy.world 16 points 2 weeks ago

Im mostly ok with this, but when they start telling me how to do the dishes, that's when I lose motivation.

[–] Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 11 points 2 weeks ago

This seems to only happen when it comes from people I actively dislike.

[–] gastroglizzy@piefed.social 11 points 2 weeks ago

.... well now I'm not doing it!

[–] razen@lemmy.world 6 points 1 week ago

Yup I dont like to study what I am told to study but I like to study which I am not told or required.

[–] onnekas@sopuli.xyz 11 points 1 week ago (1 child)

This is all fine until they say shit like "you never do anything around here unless I tell you to".

And when people constantly tell you "hey could you do this... could you do that" they never give you the chance to show that you would do stuff on your own as well.

[–] MrScottyTay@sh.itjust.works 4 points 1 week ago

Sadly this is what I think eventually broke up my last relationship. My ex was very much that, I wanted to show I could do things on my own accord but I never got the chance to actually do so and my brain in all of its fucked up ways refused to do all of that stuff less after being told to do so because it's further perpetuating that i can't do it without being told to first. And further down that spiral i went, deeper and deeper.

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[–] weps@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago

hey can you do the thing you're doing

[–] trainsrkool@lemmy.ml 5 points 2 weeks ago

💯

[–] Necrifyre@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 week ago

That really explains a lot of the time as to why I'm offended when someone tells me to do something. Is right when I'm already doing it or have the idea to do it.

Because after just being told to do something I'm already doing, I immediately think of no longer wanting to do it out of spite.

[+] Sin_adornos@lemmy.world [B] -8 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

[removed by mod]

[–] snooggums@piefed.world 5 points 2 weeks ago*

What a useless comment that completely misunderstood the exchange in the same way as velma.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -28 points 2 weeks ago (17 children)

Sometimes I forget how young the user base is here.

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[–] snooggums@piefed.world 31 points 2 weeks ago (16 children)

I'm almost 50 and this comic is very relatable.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -24 points 2 weeks ago (15 children)

Is it relatable to people who still have their mothers and wives tell them to do the dishes?

Who here isn't just doing their own dishes because they're adults? You getting mad at your roommates or something for shared chores?

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[–] snooggums@piefed.world 19 points 2 weeks ago* (8 children)

Personally it is me overcoming my ADHD hurdles to do a thing and then being reminded that I always forget to do things. Like I am fucking doing it right now so telling me to do the thing I am doing is like being told I forgot something, which is the most frustrating feeling for me.

Yes, it is fucking annoying when my wife hollers from the other room to do the thing I am currently doing because she assumed I wasn't. Maybe she should do the things she is supposed to do but forgets, but I don't bug her about it because I know how annoying it is.

Also, making it a gendered issue is pretty sexist of you. A boss of either gender telling me to do the thing I'm already doing is frustrating too.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -26 points 2 weeks ago* (7 children)

That's a lot of words for how you resent your wife.

So yeah, I guess it is relatable to people who still have their mothers and wives tell them to do household chores.

Eh I used mothers and wives because I am a mother and wife. Nothing to do with sexism, everything to do with relating it to the types of people in my life that refuse to pitch in on shared household responsibilities.

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[–] snooggums@piefed.world 18 points 2 weeks ago (6 children)

Can you throw around a few more sexist stereotypes? I don't think you have embarrssed yourself enough yet.

It isn't just about dishes and chores, jesus christ. Go back and read my edit.

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[–] calcopiritus@lemmy.world 9 points 2 weeks ago

She's a known sexist. Basically all her posts are like this.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -15 points 2 weeks ago* (4 children)

I'm talking specifically about household chores as pictured in the comic.

I struggle with ADHD as well, but someone has to get shit done around the house regardless of my executive dysfunction. Blaming it on others is immature at best.

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[–] snooggums@piefed.world 12 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

I'm saying it is NOT just about household chores and it isn't about blaming anyone.

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[+] velma@sh.itjust.works -8 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I mean, the comic is literally placing blame on the person requesting the chore get done instead of the person refusing to do the chore, but ok.

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[–] snooggums@piefed.world 11 points 2 weeks ago

It isn't blaming anyone. You are reading things into it that are not there.

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[–] Benign@fedia.io 8 points 2 weeks ago

It is placing blame on A pestering B over something B is already doing of their own accord. Which is harrasive.

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[–] protist@retrofed.com 14 points 2 weeks ago

Wow, this is an incredibly sexist comment about a genderless comic. From experience, when I walk up to the sink and start doing the dishes, and then my SO walks up and asks me to do the dishes (which has happened a number of times) I think they're being unobservant and controlling and I feel unappreciated. That's what this comment is about, lady.

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[–] MurphysPaw@sh.itjust.works 5 points 1 week ago

Jesus Christ. Good luck with everything.

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[–] teslekova@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 week ago

Your problem here is that you think this feeling is a choice, velma. It's not a choice. They're not deciding that they don't want to do the dishes.

In fact, quite often, because we are indeed adults, we will still do the dishes, because they need doing, even though it's really hard to do them now!

So stop being mad at people for the feelings they have, and start listening to them!

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[–] Benign@fedia.io 2 points 2 weeks ago*

Perhaps these mothers and wives should have some respect for others doing things their own way and at their own pace? They can not expect others to be exactly like themselves.

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[–] onnekas@sopuli.xyz 0 points 1 week ago (1 child)

Me and my SO are both adults and yes we communicate about household chores. Crazy concept right?

Sometimes she's busy and asks if I could do the dishes. Sometimes it's the other way around.

Of course most of the time we both simply take care of chores when they need to be done. But we don't have assigned tasks in the household: we both cook, clean, do laundry, etc. And sometimes we communicate about who does what.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works -2 points 1 week ago

....yeah that's how it's supposed to work.

Getting resentful and refusing to do a chore out of spite because your partner asked is the unhealthy part I was referencing.