I assumed this might have been a late 90s article about the "dangers" of internet addiction.

It was from fucking 2015. I really really hope it was satire.

I spend 90 minutes online before I even get out of the bed.

these kind of stories feel like they're labeling things in a pejorative light to manufacture peer pressure so that people will think it's bad; like "quiet quitting"

Ninety minutes a day online doing what?

Goose starts chasing you

ONLINE DOING WHAT, MOTHERF*****

90 minutes? Madman. I couldn't possibly be online so little time a day...

On a company PC or in an internet café?

Must be a typo, I bet they meant 90 minutes an hour.

Sauce: clickhole

https://clickhole.com/spiraling-out-of-control-this-man-spends-90-minutes-a-1825121567/

Trying to think if I can cobble together 90 minutes a day that I'm NOT online...

Mfr's get stuck in game lobbies longer than that.

I remember back in the Windows ME era or thereabouts when Microsoft was pushing hard at the notion that your computer will always be online and connected to the internet, and we were all treating them like they were full of shit. Sure, all of us geeks would love to be connected 24/7 but really nobody is going to be able to provide a connection with that kind of uptime, and even if they could we'd never be able to afford it.

Right?

Anyway, most of the tools I'm required to use to do my job are hosted on the Internet, so there's no way I can't be "online" as long as I'm at work. I'm offline when I'm on my motorcycle. And y'all motherfuckers will never find me.

Those are rookie numbers. You gotta pump those up.

I'm in IT, I'm kinda required to be online most of the work day.