NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position,” the report read in part, revealing that the choice had been made after a brief conversation among your superiors in which it was repeatedly emphasized that your behavior in loading this page and spending nearly two minutes reading its content about the late Turning Point USA co-founder was an action inappropriate for the moment.

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[–] [S] 19 points 2 months ago (4 children)

The report concluded that if you shared this article with a friend or family member, you should prepare yourself to be arrested on domestic terrorism charges.

Welp, it's been nice knowing you all.

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  • [–] 6 points 2 months ago

    Joke's on you! I can't be fired if my job's already been stolen by AI.

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  • 20 comments in c/theonion@sh.itjust.works view that post
    [–] 38 points 1 year ago (4 children)

    If I insist with a straight face that Donald Trump most certainly does not have a small penis, will I be rehired?

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  • [–] 20 points 1 year ago

    I think it's time to stop labelling the onion as satire.

    Our entire existence is satire at this point, on this timeline at least.

    Me, personally, I'm cheering for the comet.

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  • [–] 19 points 1 year ago (5 children)

    currently on work's wifi, let's see how it goes 🤞

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  • [–] 6 points 1 year ago (3 children)
  • [–] 5 points 1 year ago* (2 children)

    Netskope.

    It's common for workplaces to install CA certs on work devices then run all traffic through a proxy that decrypts and inspects all traffic.

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  • [–] 16 points 1 year ago

    My GF is gonna be pissed that I lost my job.

    Oh well, at least I am not a fascist piece of shit.

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  • [–] 9 points 1 year ago (2 children)

    In my current organization, I think I'd be more likely to be fired for supporting Charlie Kirk than opposing him. I'm not bragging, just grateful.

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  • [–] 9 points 1 year ago

    One of the professors at the law school I work at just got canned for something she said, sooo yeah this is basically how I feel

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  • [–] 5 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    I'm terrified. The Right is coming after us. They are straight up using Kirk's death as the modernbday reichstag fire. This is no time to be laughing.

    hyperventilating

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago

    It's not the Reichstag fire in the sense that Trump can call a vote on totalitarianism. But yeah, one's feelings on the matter are now a clear litmus test.

    With AI scanning our comms, my free speech has been chilled, though I'm still a fucking loud mouth.

    We're not quite there yet, but in a year or two, I could see my passport application being denied, or my wife not being allowed back in country. She's dying to go home and see her kids, and we're doing it, but I'm scared shitless. And in the meantime, I'm armed everywhere I go.

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago

    YOU'RE FIRED!

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  • 4 comments in c/theonion@midwest.social view that post
    [–] 15 points 1 year ago (1 child)

    Bitch I ain't read no good

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  • [–] 3 points 1 year ago (1 child)