I’m sorry. I’m just weak I guess.

Very tired right now. I’m sorry if this is written very chaotically. I’ll also be speaking relative to US politics here.

I am from a very, very red part of the US. Ever seen pictures of small towns with gas stations covered in comical amounts of Trump flags? That’s literally where I’m at. I honestly wouldn’t mind living in a small town if not for all of that.

My family is like that. My coworkers are like that. I lose any contact either family and possibly lose my Job if I transition or come out. My step brother had an interest in turning Catholic, and this was enough to make my mom tear up. I can’t imagine what coming out to them would be like.

I also help my parents out with my mentally handicapped brother and I fear this will further complicate things.

I know people have come out to some very hateful people. But I cannot stress enough how much I would become an absolute pariah if I did. How much hate would be aimed in my direction. Maybe the capability really is in me, and I’m just a coward.

But even if I did: I’m making what is minimum wage in some states. Not sure how much of my transition I could afford.

And what if my dysphoria is worse after the fact. What if all I’ll ever see in a man in a dress?

I’ve always envied the bodies and mannerisms of women. I present as a woman online. I practice a feminine voice in the car. I take on feminine posture behind locked doors. I browse Amazon for cute clothes but never buy them. All in all I’m just playing pretend.

I can’t do this.