I wrote this for another community on Reddit but it did not get any attention. I wrote this pressed on time and basically just made a list of things that are destroying me inside.

I admit im pretty much looking for validation and compassion. But if you cannot in good conscience go without providing advice, I will not turn it away by any means.

Here’s what I wrote:

I’m sorry if my writing here is hasty and clumsy. It sort of has to be right now.

1

I’m 34. I live with my parents. I may have been able to do more financially but I didn’t apply myself like I should have. Lots of regret there. Everyone I know has moved on, gotten their own place, and have built their own lives.

Me being here is not all bad though. My parents and I get along exceptionally well, and my presence here helps with my brother.

A bit about my brother: He is severely mentally handicapped. As crude of a description as this might be, he is essentially an adult toddler. He can walk around by himself. He is nonverbal. He cannot bathe or toilet himself. He can pick up a fork and feed himself but he does not understand preparing food for himself - even if it’s as simple as opening a pack of crackers. He does not do well in most public spaces that are not restaurants. He has a day center he goes to but aside from that most everything must be done around someone being at the house with him. That’s usually me.

My parents have expressed a lot of gratitude for it. I love my brother and I believe he is as legitimate of a member of the family as any other. And I am still able to have time to myself, But surely you can see what sort of difficulties this creates.

I am terrified about the future for him. My parents are getting up in age. When one of them goes it will become incredibly difficult. I may have to quit my job.

2

Im trans. In a very red part of a very red state. I cannot come out to family or friends without my already fragile and meager life coming undone completely. But with money like it is I’d never be able to transition either.

I have no one to go to about this. No community.

3

I’m socially awkward and seemingly incapable of forming bonds with people. Im not sure if I’m autistic but it may explain a lot. Even people I’ve worked with for almost 10 years I still have difficulty opening my mouth to. Words come out stiff and choppy, weirdly emphasized, and often don’t make sense to the listener.

I’m not taken seriously because of it. I have to really stress myself at work if I need to get a point through and am often seen as irritable because of it. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just a jerk.

4

Every future I imagine is a scary one. One I don’t want to live in.

I’ve gotten into philosophy the past few years and it’s been more frustrating than enlightening.

Some views say we should be thinking about the future, and should take this all extremely seriously. Well maybe some people don’t have a future?

Some views say not to take it seriously. Live in the moment and make the most of it. Well what if you have no moment to live in? What if there are sufferings simply too great as to make that an impossible task?

Some views say to exist is enough. You don’t need to be anything in particular or do anything great. Well I exist, and I hate it. I find no pleasure in simply being.

I don’t buy into any notion that life is what we make it. Maybe it is life that makes us, and we’re just dragged along with it. Maybe some people have more to work with. But this would be like having more lanes in a one way road. Maybe it’s like that.

Or maybe I’m an idiot. Maybe all of this really is in my control, in which case: what a terrible amount of power to be responsible for. Who could ever handle that?

5

I have to wrap it up. I have to get up for work now.

Maybe all of that doesn’t sound like much. My point here is to say that there is no aspect of my life - big or small - in which I feel free. Some of it is my own doing. Some of it is circumstance. Some of it may blur the line. But all I have to work with is what I have right now. Some of it I feel duty bound to do.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I’ve been miserable, worried about the future of myself and my brother.

I feel incapable of not having desires, yet also incapable of satisfying those desires. I don’t want to want. Of that makes sense. But I feel the only way of getting rid of want is turning the lights off for good.

Thanks.

Sorry this was messy.

I’m sorry. I’m just weak I guess.

Very tired right now. I’m sorry if this is written very chaotically. I’ll also be speaking relative to US politics here.

I am from a very, very red part of the US. Ever seen pictures of small towns with gas stations covered in comical amounts of Trump flags? That’s literally where I’m at. I honestly wouldn’t mind living in a small town if not for all of that.

My family is like that. My coworkers are like that. I lose any contact either family and possibly lose my Job if I transition or come out. My step brother had an interest in turning Catholic, and this was enough to make my mom tear up. I can’t imagine what coming out to them would be like.

I also help my parents out with my mentally handicapped brother and I fear this will further complicate things.

I know people have come out to some very hateful people. But I cannot stress enough how much I would become an absolute pariah if I did. How much hate would be aimed in my direction. Maybe the capability really is in me, and I’m just a coward.

But even if I did: I’m making what is minimum wage in some states. Not sure how much of my transition I could afford.

And what if my dysphoria is worse after the fact. What if all I’ll ever see in a man in a dress?

I’ve always envied the bodies and mannerisms of women. I present as a woman online. I practice a feminine voice in the car. I take on feminine posture behind locked doors. I browse Amazon for cute clothes but never buy them. All in all I’m just playing pretend.

I can’t do this.

Hey ladies.

Me. Again.

I’m sorry to be posting so frequently. I’m sort of scrambling to figure things out. I’ve already had to be corrected on how I word things, so I’m still learning, and I do apologize if I’m clogging this place up with stupid questions. This will be my last post for a while.

I am 34 now. And I could go on and on with examples after examples in my life of moments where I should have started wondering, but I’ve only learned this about myself recently.

I won’t give my life story, but I will say this: Most, if not all, trans women I’ve listened to have described a history of unpleasant feelings associated with their prescribed gender at birth. Some women talk about having always felt weird being called “he”. Some women describe not wanting to have a penis or testicles. Some have described puberty being a distressful time for them.

However, in my case my dysphoria (if indeed it’s dysphoria) has almost exclusively been envy. I was never actively disgusted by being called “he” or having lots of body hair. I was just super super envious of the girls who didn’t have it.

I’ve always had a more feminine cadence in online discussions like on discord or aol way back when. So that’s where I’ve always expressed myself truly on. It’s never bothered me to be called a man in person, but it does fill me with a lot of joy to be called “she”. A woman I’ve spoken with on discord has no idea I’m trans. She just knows I’m a woman, and she called me “girlie” the other day and I wanted to cry and squirm with excitement. I’m not sure if that’s weird.

It’s more like…indifference to masculinity with active joy from femininity. Being a man isn’t so much something I want to avoid as much as it is being a woman is something I exceedingly want to do.

I don’t know if that’s weird makes sense…

I’m not sure why I’m having a hard time finding them. I do come across some videos here and there but a lot of them haven’t posted in a very long time.

Do any of you know some good active channels related to fashion? It doesn’t have to be fashion advice necessarily. Could just be videos of them shopping or showing their hauls.

I’m trans. I can’t escape this fact any longer.

But I dont think I could ever come out or transition. I know people will say it would be worth it in the end. But I cannot stress enough just how much this would obliterate me socially.

I’m 34 now.

I’ve only done a few things to change my appearance. I shaved my face and I keep it as clean as possible. I also lost a lot of weight, and am really skinny now. I saw a trans woman YouTuber and felt envy over her body, and I wanted to get as close to that as I could.

I also put on clear nail polish, and I practice my “voice” in the car alone.

I call myself “she” on discord, and take the female roles if the server has it. I just express my inner self in a way that feels natural and I seem to pass fairly well on there. I was talking with one woman on there and asked her something about her job being difficult. She said “girl, you have no idea”. “Girl”. That one thing filled me with such happiness I can’t even explain it.

But That’s basically the extent of my “transition” so far, if I can even call it that. I’m sorry if this post read a bit chaotically. I’m tired and just trying to type this out before I sit down for the evening.

I wholly confess I am just looking for validation. But don’t lie to me. Am I genuine? Even right now can I call myself a woman?

I am going to be upfront and say I'm kinda just looking for a sense of reassurance here. Guilty as charged. But if you feel I have failed or am not a good person in some respect, I do not want anyone to lie.

I have heard this phrase "adult child" a lot. I hear it in reference to adults who refuse to grow up or take responsibility. I am 33, and turn 34 next week. And I have worried about this label applying to me because I still feel like I'm trying to wrap my miond about what being an adult is all about.

As I said I am 33. I still live at home. I get along very well with my parents, and being here helps them out tremendously when it comes to taking care of my mentally handicapped brother. I work, pay for everything I have (including car, phone, insurance, etc,) and help out with projects around the house.

That said, talking to others is a nightmare. I sound articulate here because I can stop and think through everything as much as I want before typing it out. But if you saw me in person you would pick up on a number of mannerisms and a difficulty getting words out. I believe some people may think I have a sort of intellectual disabilty or am suffering from cognitive decline. And none of this i became fully self aware of until my late 20's. I don't really have an adult understanding of the world, if that makes any kind of sense.

If you asked me "Are you ashamed to be living at home?" I guess it would depend on what you meant. When I'm alone, and no one is around to potentially judge me, I don't feel any shame. But I know that people frown on adults living at home, and so it would make me feel really awkward for that to be brought up with another adult.

Muy cousins, aunts, and uncles are all well-to-do. They own businesses. Multiple properties. Huge cirlces of friends. Maybe not all of them, but there is a lot of money in my extended family. And then theres me. I won't be anything most people would consider special. I'm just here until I'm not here.

There's the added fact that I do like video games, and watching youtube a lot on things I like. The image of an adult at home engaging in these things looks really bad to some people.

And I see youtube videos sometimes of police arresting adults living at home who have done some really awful things. And I'm not sure why, but I feel this weird second-hand guilt from it. Almost like there is something inside me that's gross or evil that just hasn't had the right conditions to show itself. I think to myself "Is that me? I really hope that isn't me. I don't want to be like that."

I don't want much in life. I don't want a lot of money. I tend to reject the hustle and bustle. I just want to know I was the best person I could be with what I had available.

Hi all. Lemmy tends to be rather lefty, so I am not afraid to say that my politics lands on the left as far as US politics goes. So my uncertainty isn’t between left and right, but where I fall on the left.

Since around 2017 I have considered myself a liberal of some form. But I have to confess I did not start really doing a deep dive into politics until this current administration. And I have felt conflicted. I try to listen to different commentators. I’ve listened to Destiny, Hasan, Vaush, and various other people. All as reconnaisance - so to speak - and none of them because I necessarily subscribe to with any real confidence. I’m just trying to hear different perspectives.

If someone mentions something about some policy that was passed some time ago, or mention some political figure I’m not sure I’ve heard of, I go look in to it.

I thought this would help me settle on a solid political stance, but I think it has just caused me more confusion and uncertainty. How do you all do it?

We used to have several more people. Right now it’s 3 players and a DM. The DM is my cousin, and our rule right now is if one person can’t make it, the whole thing is called off. They really don’t want to just have 2 players, which I can understand.

This has been the only group I’ve ever played DnD with, but I’m not enjoying it at all. Part of it is the DM’s style, and part of it is another player.

I feel like I can’t do anything as a paladin without being yanked away from it. My first few sessions literally any time I tried to cast something, this other player told me I really shouldn’t. They’re so terrified I’m going to run out of spell slots. I never have.

At a certain point I just started doing nothing but regular attacking. That’s it. Just sessions on end of attacking as a paladin and nothing else without any complaints. I’m bored out of my mind.

I’m still a new player and I’m just trying to enjoy the game. But Any time I try to cast something, I’m being told not to, or given like a 5 minute thesis on how ” actually Bless isn’t as useful as this other thing, but hey if you WANT to use bless I don’t GUESS it would hurt…”

Also the DMs themes just don’t relate to me at all. The best way I can describe the game is like some mix of analog horror, SCP, and the backrooms. We never ever just meet some bandit or goblin. It’s always some unexplainable entity that the DM must use esoteric language to describe. It’ll be some object or being that is cognitively distressing to witness yet impossible to comprehend. And I’m having to roleplay a reaction to it?

Not to mention the crunchiness of the campaign is just wearisome to me. Our last campaign we spent an hour and a half just going over inventory, crafting, quest progress, and stats. All above the table; never in character.

It’s just such a boring campaign to me with a player that’s about to make me rip my hair out. But it’s also my cousin’s game, and I’m fairly certain it will have to disband - at least for a long while - if I leave.

Using lemmy.zip here.

I went through the web browser to change my display name. I made sure to click “save” as well. But it is still showing “Aedaz_” here on the app as well as the web browser.

Am I missing something?

Using lemmy.zip.

I have gone in through my web browser to change my display name, but my name remains the same both in the web browser and on the app when I post.

Am I missing something?