idiomaddict comments on it's both wild and awesome that people actually want to be so masc

[–] idiomaddict@lemmy.world 13 points 2 months ago* (4 children)

Ach, sorry about the trauma dumping below, but it was just nice to write it out. Tl;dr: I suspect that being a woman is objectively easier for me with the femme socialization I received, and I don’t know if I would want to deal with the difficulty of being a man, but it still sucks if it’s not what feels right.

I’m AFAB, probably an egg without noticeable dysphoria (though occasional euphoria) and kind of feel like this. Like, I can currently get away with showering every other day, I don’t need too much food, my feet don’t stink, and I’m pretty hot as a woman. Plus I can technically create life with my husband; if I’m struggling with something heavy in public, someone will try to help (annoying 95% of the time, lifesaving 5%); strangers don’t try to start fights with me (though obviously them sometimes trying to assault me sexually is also bad, I know how to deal with it- I don’t know how to talk down a drunk angry dude who wants to fight me and I’m pretty sure my attempt would go poorly); and nobody expects me to be anyone’s savior- though I find it pretty easy to successfully step in in cases of street harassment now, I think that would be very different if I were seen as a possible aggressor.

Also, I already cry way more than most other people (autism plus femme socialization that converted anger and frustration into tears), I don’t want to imagine the difficulty that would cause if I were a dude. I’ve heard that HRT makes it more difficult for trans men to cry, but I hate the feeling of needing to cry generally and being unable to. I would like to cry less, but ideally because I’ve dealt with my shit, not because I can’t (I am aware that perhaps I’m so close to tears on a regular basis because I’m unhappy with my gender, but it could also just be me).

It just feels like it should have been different.

I feel like I should be stronger (I’m very strong for a woman, which means the average man could still overpower me relatively easily), I feel like I’m being condescended to when someone holds a door open for me and I feel like I should obviously be the one carrying things if I’m walking with someone. When people assume that I’ll make decisions about the household, I feel like nobody could possibly care what color a carpet is and it’s all just a weird collective charade we’re partaking in. When people make jokes about the woman always being right/happy wife, happy life, I feel sick.

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[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (3 children)

Hey sib, thanks for your story, love to hear your perspective actually. :)

The way I as a transfem view it re: HRT and crying, is that we also do experience the same emotions. Pre HRT and pre egg, when an old family member was going to be buried, I also cried; but it felt like I didn't "want" to, as if there is a veil over my feelings. I think part of that is the social expectation of "tough men don't cry". But I disagree. I did cry as well, eventually, but it took longer, and I didn't do so as 'quickly'.

When I got on HRT, it felt like the veil had been lifted and I could express my feelings more clearly. I think that it doesn't depend on hormones but on what you've been conditioned to as being "acceptable to do". Maybe, once I got HRT, I felt like a weight was lifted and I could cry earlier and more thorough on my own volition. Whether that is due to hormones or due to social expectation, who is to say.

small bit about my own dysphoria, just needed to vent it, please ignore

that said, i am pretty happy so far with my HRT. Boobs could be a bit bigger, hips wider... but it's going the right way now, and I can look more at myself in the mirror. The only big thing I'm still dissatisfied with is the lack of a vagina and uterus. I really want to carry a child someday, but that isn't possible without a transplant. I'll find a way, though!

I feel like for transmascs and transbys with strong dysphoria (it imo isn't dysphoria but euphoria that primarily determines what would be good), it might be the same with regard to lacking a dick or being too strongly gendered in their body...

On your very last sentence, same, amen. It feels (un)intentionally a bit misogynistic.

I cannot say how HRT would be for you - that is individually different. But I'd like to think that cool men(by's) absolutely do cry. And that you already being able to do so, helps.

Whatever you feel as is valid; only you can figure out what that is. Whether cis, trans, or what else.

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[–] idiomaddict@lemmy.world 8 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Thank you! I am absolutely in support of men crying and would hope I’d be able to cry occasionally no matter what. I also absolutely think my crying is due to socialization and not hormones (at least not exclusively, though I definitely notice a cycle).

I just don’t know how to express any strong emotion without tears. I feel like that’s something I should work on in therapy instead of just hoping it would change, because that seems like a recipe for personal meltdown.

I would say I shed tears on average once a day, sometimes because things don’t go the way I expected, sometimes because someone’s rude to me, and sometimes because I write a comment about being an egg. I would say the latter is a “legitimate” reason (I know that’s not the right way to look at it, but I hope it’s still understandable), and the others are me sublimating other emotions into tears, because “anger is for men” and “I should try to get along with people,” which both feel like things I don’t believe, but have internalized.

More about my experience of euphoria/dysphoria, maybe including some serious TMI

I don’t think I have dysphoria, but when I wear a binder, I just look like a flat-chested woman, and when I combine it with baggy clothing, I just look like a flat-chested and bulky woman, which doesn’t feel good at all. Wearing a strap-on feels really good and really bad at the same time (and also caused me to cry the first time), because it feels like what should be, but it also feels like I’m play acting.

I suspect that might just be deeply closeted dysphoria, but I also sometimes feel great dressing femme, so I don’t know.

TMI: I am also very into the idea of being a sissy, so I’m not sure if I feel great dressed femme because of that or if fetishizing femininity exerted onto me just a coping mechanism. Either way, it makes me feel really fucking weird whenever TERFs accuse trans women of autogynephilia.

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[–] birdwing@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 child)

No probs! :)

Strong emotions can be in more forms. Think of the intense 'kick' from e.g. a rollercoaster, the joy from a really lovely walk in the forest, the intense calm with a good shower; or the personal anger of a close thing being harmed, or the emptiness of depression, as a numb cold feeling drooping away from the breast, to the legs and arms.

Are there (non-addictive) things you feel a lot, that make you very happy, without tears? Maybe might be worth looking on those. I can't give advice on therapy, though it did help me. Best not to rely overmuch on internet stranger advice, haha.

re: the euphoria/dysphoria

Recognisable! I also had that. Mostly because if I tucked, yes, it does make my area down look more girly... but I overall still looked very masculine. So it felt like I was stressing the "mismatching what I felt" even more from how my body looked.

On clothing I think it was likewise for me. I liked skirts a bit because they made me look more fem, but also felt I couldn't look fem while wearing jeans. That was until my therapist told me, but look at other gals. Do they also wear skirts all day? And that made me realise I didn't need to be bound by skirt or jean to be a gal. The fashion thing withheld me from social transition a bit. Now that I look more fem, it's less of an issue.

Though I also know people who straight up just dress gallish while being cis guys - a bi friend for example wears a corsette, like femboys might do. And another always wore very guyish clothes, looking 'rougher'. And someone else just didn't give a fuck and put up whatever mix they did today lol. So I feel it depends on what your goals are.

Gender isn't a fixed thing - it can vary by person and for some it also can vary over timespans. I'm very much a transfem gal, but I dress more neutral-ish and might describe myself as a demigirl in that regard.

The autogynephilia... for me that was a big block in determining whether I was trans or not. I'm sapphic, lesbian; but do I like gals because I fall for them or because I want to be them? I feel that it's both, and yeah. I don't care what transphobes think, as they care mostly about controlling others. The only time I care is when I manage to change their mind ever so slightly.

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[–] idiomaddict@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago

I definitely feel very happy feelings without sadness, but not without tears. I’ll cry at how adorable my cat is or how much I love someone, and I’ve cried at every wedding I’ve ever been to as an adult.

I guess I don’t ever cry after solving a puzzle, even though that makes me happy. I have cried at getting a job or a good student review though, and those seem like they’re in the same family.

I would say of the examples listed, the only one that’s never made me cry is a really good shower 😂

To be clear, I generally try to make it as non-obvious as possible when I do, I’m not just crying all over the place. I also don’t make it other people’s problem. I’ve received nothing but support here and that probably reads a bit defensive, but I would prefer to be “built further from water,” to paraphrase a German saying.

And matching/mismatching does probably play a bigger role in my X-phoria than anything else, which is weird, because I’m personally most attracted to GNC people.

And yes, fuck transphobes not in the fun way.

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