General Memes &amp; Private Chuckle

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 months ago (19 children)

Would it have been better if she tried to force a relationship she knew wasn't going to work?

Is it not enough that she was supportive and honest?

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[–] djsiete@sh.itjust.works 11 points 3 months ago (9 children)

Men are told to open up about their feelings, but are then rendered unsexy once they do. I've had it happen to me, my friends have had it happen to them. It's a thing.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 months ago (8 children)

I'm not denying it happens. Personally, I'd rather have someone be honest about not being the right partner for me than to pretend and break both of our hearts later when the relationship inevitably crashes and burns.

Being supportive and honest is better overall.

Dating is tricky and it's very individualistic. You're not dating women as a group, you're trying to find a partner. And hopefully that partner is empathetic and caring and supportive and ready for a relationship at the same time you are.

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[–] djsiete@sh.itjust.works 3 points 3 months ago (7 children)

Yeah I know and agree. I said that she was an asshole because she didn't fight the knee-jerk reaction that I've seen many women demonstrate at the sight of a "weak" man.

You'd think that, after feminist discourse being mainstream for a decade plus now, men would feel safer about sharing their traumas. But here we are.

For the record, I call myself a feminist and don't think that she should've pretended anything. But in the same way men have expectations on women that we should know to question and overcome, so should women.

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[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 2 points 3 months ago

This has happened to me twice. It's not always a kneejerk reaction. Sometimes those feelings just go away and they don't come back. We tried staying together and working on it but it just didn't work out. They were actually fine with the sexless state of things, it was me that had a problem with it.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 0 points 3 months ago (5 children)

She listened and was super supportive. Helped me a lot talking with her about it. But she also said, right after, that she could not date me anymore.

What knee jerk reaction? She was supportive and helped him.

She didn't owe him a relationship because he opened up to her. She owed him respect and support which she gave.

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[–] djsiete@sh.itjust.works 3 points 3 months ago (4 children)

I think both her and OP wanted to get more intimate than just friends, something that the woman in question changed her mind on once OP showed some weakness.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 months ago (3 children)

You don’t know that she realized a relationship wouldn’t work because she felt he was weak for sharing. It could be that she has past trauma as well that wouldn’t mesh with his. There’s many possibilities here.

The important thing is that she was supportive and honest. Can’t ask another person for more than that.

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[–] djsiete@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I agree. All I'm saying is this: this is so commonplace that men still don't feel comfortable about sharing their traumas with their partners.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 months ago (1 child)

I agree and I hope it gets better. I know I'm actively working towards making it better for men. It's a small drop in the bucket, but it's there.

It's less commonplace than it used to be and we can make it even better.

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[–] djsiete@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 months ago

Thank you ❤️

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[–] rumba@lemmy.zip 3 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Nah, sharing is good. The moment though... that's not the right moment. Meeting phase, fun phase, flirty phase, sharing phase, fun phase, flirty phase, saucy phase. There needs to be a couple eras between exposing emotional damage and saucy times.

Unless you're just going for saucy times, then there's no need to unearth the damage set expatations and have a good time for a while.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 months ago (1 child)

Very fair points, I just don't see any assholes in this story. Just people trying to date and relate to each other and not being a good fit or putting their foot in their mouth. Intentions seem good even if it didn't end super well was the only point I tried to make.

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[–] rumba@lemmy.zip 2 points 3 months ago

That's totally fair.

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[–] SarahValentine@pawb.social 1 point 3 months ago (5 children)

Literally everyone has some kind of shitty trauma in their past. If someone refuse to date anyone who speaks about theirs, they're a shitty human being. It's not supportive to do that to people, and if she gave a shit about honesty she would be up front about her hangups instead of nodding and smiling then dumping someone. That behavior reflects a lack of empathy, which is a crucial trait for being actually supportive and honest.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 0 points 3 months ago* (4 children)

No one is entitled to a relationship. They are owed respect and kindness.

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[–] SarahValentine@pawb.social 1 point 3 months ago (3 children)

No one is entitled to a relationship.

I didn't say anyone was.

They are owed respect and kindness.

Those are the very things the lady in this situation failed to show. If someone having trauma in their past and so much as speaking about it is enough to make her not want to date them, and she just lets them go on and on about it like she's their therapist only to dump them after, that's not respectful or kind at all. That's a sign of someone addicted to having a steady stream of people to date and reject for petty reasons.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 0 points 3 months ago (2 children)

She listened and was super supportive. Helped me a lot talking with her about it. But she also said, right after, that she could not date me anymore. Got the ambivalent feeling sharing had helped me move on from some things, but also ruined our chances somehow. I don’t regret it. Just how it is.

The OP commenter said she listened and was super supportive. That she helped him move on from some of those traumas. That he doesn't regret talking to her.

She didn't owe him a relationship. She did extend kindness and an open ear.

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[–] SarahValentine@pawb.social -1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 child)

Christ, the gymnastics you're going through to exonerate her of any responsibility to act like a decent human being, to maybe avoid taking a massive shit on someone else's feelings.

Twisting this to make her out to be some kind of good person for this is outright disgusting. I hope, for the good of humanity, that you don't date.

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[–] velma@sh.itjust.works 1 point 3 months ago

I'm married, but thanks.

No one is owed a relationship. Not even when they have trauma.

She certainly could have handled it differently, but openly listening and being supportive is not something bad people do.