719
Why I stopped talking about my feelings (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 months ago by to c/memes@lemmy.world
114 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] 10 points 3 months ago* (11 children)

There’s also the “Oh yeah, same situation” crowd. People who feel the same way, who agree about the state of the world, and also struggle to get by.

Which in itself, isn’t a bad way to respond - it’s honest, after all. However, it makes the idea of “reaching out for help” worse than pointless - not only won’t I get any help, but I’ll get more validation that I was right to feel hopeless in the first place.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • hideshow 11 child comments
    •
  • [–] 17 points 3 months ago (5 children)

    What do you expect others to help you with in this situation?

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 5 child comments
    •
  • [–] 6 points 3 months ago* (2 children)

    they don't even know.

    i had girlfriends with these issues.. they just often lack the emotional maturity/forethought to realize that there isnt' anything other folks can do, and they vaguely expect like other people to just magically make their problems go away, and they resent you for not being the 'cure' to their problem.

    it doesn't necessarily have to do with mental health, it could be physical, or just a job they don't like, or a ton of other things.

    the issue is the person suffering, is looking for a solution outside of themselves and their own actions, and refuses to acknowledge the solution requires them to change themselves or their circumstances, and often like change habits or lifestyle or etc.

    i remember being a suicidal teenager and I just wanted it to stop, i wanted the bad feelings to stop. i had no clue how to get them to stop because they just kept coming at me. some people just... are like this their entire lives and they often self-medicate because that is a way to get them to stop temporarily. but getting them to stop systematically... is a much larger challenge, and there is no guarantee the problem won't come back.

    and yeah one option is to join a community or have friends who just validate the shit out of your bad choices or share your frustrations and complaints with. because those folks won't ask you to change or try something new, they will just agree with you that you're fucked and there is nothing you can do.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 2 child comments
    •
  • [–] 4 points 3 months ago (1 child)

    Some people like to vent though too. I've been told, hey, I'm not looking for answers, just an ear. I always try to offer some help or advice, but I realized that isn't necessarily what the other person wants, it's what I want. So I try to listen, try to say more than just "That sucks," and if I get asked for help, I'll see what I can do.

    But sometimes, it's just "That sucks," and that's usually because you made your bed and now you need to lay in it, but that's kinda mean to say to someone who's already not feeling so great.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
    •
  • [–] 6 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

    there is nothing wrong with venting.

    however for too many people venting is all it ever becomes. and those people are always the same folks who won't let anyone vent to them. because everything becomes about what hapless victims they are and nothing can ever change their life.

    way too many folks just want to vent vent vent vent vent and never ever address the problems. they refuse to change their job, refuse to try new things, refuse to meet new people, etc etc. and their entire identity becomes their misery. so yeah, they end up only being able to socialize with folks who endlessly validate their toxic attitudes and just get stuck like that for years or their entire life.

    or they get stuck in a cycle of exploiting kind people who just eventually get sick of their shit and their poor miserable lifestyle. can't tell you how many of my exes, and how many people i date before i even get into a relationship, theri entire life is this cycle of misery and refusal to change and self-medication.

    like you know how many first dates i go on where the person just vents at me for 45m about how they hate their life? like 2/3 of them. And yeah, as total stranger it's not my job to help you, it's to get the fuck away from you because you clearly lack the maturity and self-control to not dump your problems on a stranger. not to mention, most of the 'venting' done at me by these people are 'problems' like they can't afford first class plane tickets, or they can't afford a Porsche and it's not fair.

    anyway, these are the same folks who demand others be 'emotionally mature' as in, validate them and never challenge them. because you know, it's everyone else's fault that you don't like your job, your ex was mean to you, your parents suck, etc etc. and they are supposed to fix it for you, otherwise they are worthless assholes. it can't be that maybe you're the worthless asshole who needs to fix your shit and make changes if things in your life are pathologically making you unhappy.

    and as for you, sounds like you just are getting off on yourself by being a 'helper'. the truth is, you aren't really helping, you are more than likely enabling and validating shittiness. would you 'help' an alcoholic by buying them alcohol? plenty of victims of alcoholics fall into this trap of enabling and being abused by the person, that's the reason things like Al-anon exist, because folks who refuse to help themselves almost always end up dragging everyone else down with them.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 1 point 3 months ago (1 child)

    I don’t expect anything anymore, that’s why I stopped speaking out. People ask how I’m doing and I just keep it light, because there is nothing that can be done on an individual level when the issues that drag down life are systemic (unless everyone bands together to revolt, but I’m not holding my breath on that.)

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
    •
  • [–] 3 points 3 months ago

    I work with people experiencing homelessness, and I've worked inpatient psych where I saw the full gamut of socioeconomic statuses, and can confidently tell you people who attribute their depression to external factors that are out of their control universally fail in treatment. There are a ton of people on the street who aren't depressed, and a bunch of rich people who want for nothing who are depressed. Sometimes, depression is caused by a neurotransmitter issue and meds work, but more often the issue is a pattern of thinking and perception, and the only treatment is learning new ways to think.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 6 points 3 months ago (2 children)

    Or the ones who play Misery Olympics and try to 1-up (1-down?) you.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 2 child comments
    •
  • [–] 3 points 3 months ago*

    I have been getting this argument the past few years, in person, that growing up in a poor family with uneducated parents makes me more privileged than people who grew up with doctors for parents in elite/rich places, and that means I had it better than they did and my life is better than theirs and I should have empathy for them and their lower privilege and more difficult lot in life.

    and who do you think makes that argument? yeah...

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 1 point 3 months ago

    i love people who think everything is a competition. it results in those of us who lead extraordinary lives clamming up and kicking out those of you who think that by us sharing one of our smaller events, we're trying to one-up you.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 2 points 3 months ago

    The problem doesn't need to be solved in order to help others. There are plenty of unsolvable problems that people need help with. That response is a direct way to show empathy and let's the other person know that you can share things you've done to mitigate the problem that did or didnt work. Even if it's not a solution, it can help skip steps where one might fumble.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 1 point 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

    As someone with a recurring severe depressive mood disorder diagnosis, I always found the validation helpful. I could complain without pushback to them. And, it help dissuade me that I was actually the source of everything bad. But, ultimately, I needed to get pharmacological help AND focus the core health items: sleep, food/water/diet, exercise/activity.

  • permalink
  • fedilink
  • source
  • parent