Your variables are already booleans, so you can just write:

if wearing_glasses and is_brightly_lit

Yet another problem solved by being a grower

Sometimes I piss too hard or at the wrong angle or something while I'm having a big one while I'm also having a shit and it somehow escapes under the rim and I end up with piss all over the floor. The amount of piss from that Vs micro spray is incomparable.

This is the exact problem I have with sitting to take a piss and, while I find it more comfortable, I’d prefer not to have to wash myself in the sink after every piss to feel clean again. Standing just cuts out the chance of getting that icy spicy porcelain all up on my wing wang.

The real problem is that those toilets are just too small. It's the same as those sinks that have the faucet 1 micrometer from the sink edge. I truly don't get it