Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thanks for the virtual hugs and words of encouragement.

Thank you for the advice and perspective.

Don't rally have any advice, just want to send some virtual hugs!

There is one thing though, you clearly have strength. Since this is the second time, that means you didn't give up first time around, and as much as you might find it tempting, you're not giving up now, either.

Proud of you!

Seeing you fight through this shows me just how strong you really are. I've always been proud of who you are, and I don't ever want to hear you hurting like this. I wish I could take all the hurt away 🫂

Hey there Daria.

There are some pretty heavy things on your plate. It can be really discouraging when it feels like ya just can't catch a break.

BUT. You are doing a great job. You're working hard to improve the situation. You're supporting your wife through her (also very heavy) issues.

COBRA sucks, for how expensive it is. It's also super helpful in situations like the one you're facing. Good job for keeping up with it, and i know its not easy.

As regards the job search

also a crap situation. I don't pretend to know the details of your field or education. Maybe it would be appropriate to consider work in adjacent or similar roles. Or maybe a less senior role than your goal.

On the other hand, that might not be appropriate, but I trust you to consider all of your options.

Possibly even, depending on other factors like time and home responsibilities, a "throwaway" job like retail orcoffer shop. Having some income is a huge step up from none. There can also be pretty powerful emotional benefits to doing something as well. When i was a young man in a foreign land and found myself working in a fried chicken fastfood place .... an old man saw me one day and I guess he noticed that I was feeling bad about it all. He said something like "don't ever be ashamed of honest work". Those words did not take the stink of fryer grease out of my hair, but they did stay with me in a positive way.

Don't let any part time work interfere or delay your real-job search though. And maybe this isn't the right approach, its just an idea.

You might consider going with your wife to the oncologists office at whatever hospital y'all are using. Look to speak with one of the social workers there about your insurance/cobra situation. Those folks often have good knowledge of 'the system' and might be able to help in your planning. It is okay to go and see them before things are really desperate

Above all, remember that you ARE loved and you ARE doing the right things and I am genuinely proud of you for sticking with it, supporting your family and also for reaching out to ask for help. You deserve (and are awarded) hugs each day.

You'll be alright Daria, take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Cry when you need to cry, but try to find something to laugh about too. You're in our thoughts, any dad would be proud of you.

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life. And the meaning of life is to just live it. It will all work out in the end, one way or another. See where it goes. Keep trying, but also keep taking care of yourself and your loved ones. Treasure every moment you have together. Be kind to yourself. Be proud of yourself. You deserve it.

Thank you. It does help.

Well, i have a daughter just getting ready to enter the workforce with a lot of similar challenges. I'm proud of you, if that helps.

I have ADHD and work overtime a lot. Personally I don't mind. I'm actually more calm at work. This is what I have to do, and I'm going to do that. At home, almost everything is optional. Options are what stress me out because I can put it off. You'll be ok. Change can be scary but this sounds like a pretty small change, and a positive one at that.

I guess i never thought of it that way. but it's true, i wouldn't have reached out for the change if I really didn't think i could do it... thank you!!

I don't think your worried about the hours, it's the change.

The new people, routines, behaviours, schedules to memorise.

What you don't realise is all the skills you built getting yourself to this point means you are more prepared then you think.

You got this. You own this, so go make it yours.

Hey Emma,

Congratulations on your promotion. Also congratulations and realizing you were understimulated and did something about it. It's important to know yourself especially when you have ADD. Change is always scary especially when you bet on yourself. But it's always worth it in the end even when it doesn't work out. Regrets about missed opportunities hurt more then past failures.

The first few weeks (months?) may be difficult. But that's expected and I do recommend working harder or longer for that time period anyhow to get a good first impression of yourself. After that you can scale back to a sustainable level for yourself. You got this!!!!

Hey Emma, i just want to let you know that you're not the only one to worry about this. It is a legitimate thing and your body and mind is trying to prepare you for the challenge ahead, but you can do it! For all the benefits you mentioned, and also for the sake of proving to yourself that you can do it!

Those of is that have ADHD need more stimulation in our days, so having the same full-time schedule every weekday is a challenge. Maybe you can key into the differences between Monday and Tuesday, etc., and be looking for ways to be true to yourself in this new schedule.

Also, whenever you work a new job or a new place, but especially a full time one, in the beginning you'll get waaay more tired than you'll be when you're used to it. That is also normal, and not a problem with you, and it ends after it stops being new. Your mind has to process all the social, informational, etc., stuff at the new job, so maybe plan ahead by trying to limit some of your optional after or before work commitments for a little bit, just to have that room to breathe. You got this :)

This is fantastic advice! I missed out on 4 years on 401k company contributions because I was poor and would rather spend my money on cigarettes than my future, what a terrible mistake.

You want to specifically look for low cost index funds, something that is total market (like the S&P500) is usually very stable with a low expense ratio. I used to go with VTSAX, switched over to FZROX. Your company will probably have different options, and never sign up for those automated services or advisors, they are just a black hole of fees.

This is so true. Also, young cousin, a typical benefit that I know people miss when going full time. If your job offers a 401k with a company match, make sure you put in at least the minimum required to get the full company match, otherwise it’s just free money you’re missing out on. As you get to be older, you’ll appreciate younger you for doing that.

Some other advice regarding 401ks (this is just my two cents). Go for funds with low expense ratios. Typically these are index funds which are great since they are quite diverse (s&p 500 is always a good choice imo). A target retirement fund is also a good idea as they switch investments to less fluctuating investments the closer the target retirement year is.

I just took so much psychic damage from this post 😭

When it's time to leave, I say "Let's make like Optimus Prime and roll out."

Hey Emma, first of all, congratulations! It sounds like you’re doing great things at your job so don’t downplay that promotion you just got. It’s valid that you’re a bit stressed, feeling a bit anxious, maybe even feeling imposter syndrome. That’s completely normal, but I have no doubt you’re going to knock it out of the park. Just take it day by day, one breath at a time, and pretty soon you’re going to be looking for an even bigger challenge. I want you to know that I’m so very proud of you kiddo.

It is so, so frustrating, definitely. It makes it harder to live in a world that was built for other people, not for us. It's incredibly unfair that there's no instruction manual, no medication, and no intervention that makes the world suddenly make sense and work properly for us. There aren't adequate support systems or structures for neurodivergent adults and everybody else basically tells us that we're on our own to figure it out, and really, we should have by now because we're all adults now, and they have their shit figured out, why wouldn't we also have our shit figured out?

The social piece is especially hard for me, and I don't have great advice, but meeting people through a hobby is just an introduction. It's a good way to quickly audition a lot of new potential friends who will still like you and want to talk to you even if you're not doing the hobby anymore. People who like to do ham radios can also like dirt bikes or fashion or fishing or Lego and not need you to stay current in ham radios. They can still want to get a drink or dinner or get together for video games on the weekend. They can still ask you to help them move or borrow your truck. And maybe you end up meeting other people with similar libraries of knowledge, skills, and tools who are really excited to tell you something cool that leads to a new interest for you, too!

I just have a very hard time internally generating those kinds of goals that matter enough to have staying power.

...and...

It does leave me feeling a little hollow though, like I don’t have anything of importance inside to actually care about and be motivated by.

I don't know if this is what you're facing, but there was something else I learned when I was younger that matched this situation. I wasn't able to find joy in my hobbies/activities/diversions because I was avoiding doing something else specific I knew in my heart I should do instead. Not having accomplished this specific thing made me privately feel like a (partial) failure, even if I was taking care of all my day to day responsibilities and everyone else thought I was doing well in life. I spent a few years trying to avoid it before finally coming to terms with this understanding I'm laying out right here. I then sat down and started the hard work of planning how I'd move forward to finally accomplish what I had been avoiding. It took many years, but I was eventually successful. It was a lot of hard work and sacrifice but not only did I feel the great sense of accomplishment, but I was able to enjoy my hobbies again without any subconscious guilt from not working toward the goal I needed to but was avoiding.

Again, I don't know if this is what you're facing, and you don't have to tell me if it is. However, take some time to ask yourself if you're in a similar situation explore the idea and get it into words. Just that alone is progress. Its not the end, but its the required beginning to finally moving forward on addressing the primary challenge.

I've thought about picking up and going somewhere else. I live in the greater Detroit area and while we have pockets of parks and sidewalks, it's very car-centric. Everything was built to sprawl outward, so it's difficult to get anywhere of worth without getting in the car.

It's been difficult to plan or even imagine where I'd go or what I'd actually be looking for (and if it would be better or worse than my current circumstances). I bought my condo after I graduated in Covid times and there's been a lot of pressure building between the two poles of "I'd really like a place that give me a bit more privacy and a garage/workshop space" and "I have locked in such a good rate that I will never ever see again".

I've been trying to explore getting a remote/online kind of job to alleviate that kind of stress because in theory it would give me a lot of flexibility to try things without having to worry about locality and commuting. With the current state of affairs in the country/world though, I'm not sure if that's realistic or if I'll need to settle for something less optimal in the meantime.

You're probably right though on just needing a change of scenery. Just gotta figure out how to actually make something like that happen.

I'd agree that a lack of a goal/purpose is a part of the problem and some of my better moments has been when I've had a big project to cook on.

I just have a very hard time internally generating those kinds of goals that matter enough to have staying power. Like you said though, I've been (for better or worse) outsourcing some of that to helping my friends and neighbors with some of their problems which at least gets me doing something.

It does leave me feeling a little hollow though, like I don't have anything of importance inside to actually care about and be motivated by. And it does sometimes lead to feeling like I'm just around to help people do things instead of being around because I'm wanted around for who I am (I don't think it's really like this, but I do get those kinds of feelings).