[TW: Mention of SA, sex]
Hi Lems! I'm in a difficult situation and I was wondering if you had any thoughts or advice you might like to share.
I was recently in a short relationship where I had sexual boundaries crossed and its left me very shaken. A couple months later and I'm still dealing with the aftermath despite it not even happening with a malicious person. Ugh. Trauma is hard. I'm still figuring it out.
In parallel with that, I've been waiting to get on HRT for quite some time. I finally had my appointment on September 3rd and I've been on a starting dose of t-blockers and estrogen gel since.
A big concern of mine going into a physical transition was sexual function. I'm a very sex positive and sex loving person, and from where I stand now I really enjoy having a penis and want to keep using it. The problem is that I'm struggling deeply with traumatic flashes and triggers when not only having sex with a partner, but also even just while masturbating.
I want to maintain my sexual function very badly; its of high importance to me. So, I understand I need to use it or lose it, and I was reading online that I should masturbate at least every other day, or like 1-3 times every 3 days. But, I'm really struggling. Dealing with triggers while even just by myself, combined with the challenges of new hormones in my body, masturbating has just become so completely unappetizing. I often need a strong self care routine before and after just to feel okay about it. During, I have to work extra hard, check-in and calm myself down regularly, and my mind often feels apprehensive to doing it at all. These feelings are all brand new as of the traumatic event; I normally overreach on my masturbating quota.
So. I'm not sure what to do. I'm scared that if I push forward I'm going to cause more harm to my mental health by forcing myself to do something I don't want to do. Feels almost like self-SA at that point, not to be too dramatic but i'm sure you understand my meaning. Its scary to think I might re-trigger myself. The other option i guess is pausing HRT but I don't know. I could. I'd be fine maybe. But on the other hand I waited so long to start and I want this so badly that I hate the idea of halting or restarting even the small steps of progress made in the last 20 days. I could also just push forward while masturbating less and accept my fate. Those are the only courses I see now and I'd love to hear your thoughts if I've missed any other options or you have other opinions on the situation.
The worst part is that pornography has become a real draw despite having stopped using it for years at this point. Its so over-stimulating that I don't have to worry about my mind wandering off elsewhere. But its terrible for my mental health. Reading smut is healthier and has been helpful but still the above problems persist.
I'm working with my therapist on all this right now. And, next month I have an appointment to ask my psych about trauma-specific or sexual trauma-specific counselling.
Any thoughts, or feelings that you might have towards my situation would be hugely appreciated. I just don't feel like myself recently and wanted to try some external opinions.
Thank you all so much, sorry for such a heavy topic. I'm safe and figuring it out, I'm sure i'll be okay.