Please recommend a better place to post if this is inappropriate for the community. Sorta long, and personal

They've been clean for a little over a year. They went out with friends and one of the friends gave my partner a bottle of the thing that causes behavior problems. It makes them the worst type of drunk. They called me mostly sober and I got to hear them go from coherent to passing out over the course of a couple hours and many phone calls and being hung up on many times

I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. There was nothing I could do other than try to keep them on the phone and engaged but it all spiralled. Swinging from ok to hysterical to angry and back. The angry part is why I can't go get them, along with them getting to the point of absolute unreasonableness and just babbling nonsense. At points they can be combative and my showing up in person would have made everything worse

They are at a safe space where they can sleep it off. At this point I'm not worried they'll come back home angry, but I'm still vigilant for when they get back

I do not blame them because alcoholism and addiction are a lifelong disease, but I'm just not sure how to approach the next time I see them, which is presumably and hopefully in the morning

They have a therapist which they should probably get in touch with. I'm looking for a little direction. Maybe someone's dealt with addiction and relapse could chime in. I know I can't approach it with anger even though inside I'm feeling so angry and betrayed. They quit because the last time they drank, they put their hands on me

-tpyo

Edit: they're home. It's fine, they are ok though there's still a lot to talk about. Thank you for the concern and responses 💚, truly

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[+] 23 points 4 months ago (1 child)
  • [–] [S] 7 points 4 months ago

    I don't have much to say right now in response to your comment but it is very meaningful and hits close to home in a lot of ways

    I'm very upset at the friend, and disappointed but understanding with my partner. Friend in this scenario also apparently drank themself to puking. I wasn't there and if there's another get together it seems I need to chaperone

    Those boundaries are a serious topic because of the past. It's not a "never ever again" for drinking but it's been a nix on that specific alcohol. But sentiments are complicated

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  • [–] 18 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    If you're safe and they're safe, go to sleep. Eat breakfast in the morning so you can continue processing how you feel. Focus on yourself and your needs. When you see them next, there's no "right" thing to do or say. You certainly can approach it with anger if that's the emotion your body is carrying. Perhaps they need to see how much this scared and dysregulated you.

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  • [–] [S] 6 points 4 months ago

    I do need to go to sleep, I'm exhausted. At this point I'm just worried for them. They're in the safest place they can be (given the circumstances), but it's hard sleeping with this on my mind

    It's a lot to process for sure. Anger off the bat won't help, but I'll be here waiting for them and willing to listen and support when they return

    What I'll do for self care is put on boring tech videos and see what tomorrow brings

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  • [–] 34 points 4 months ago (5 children)

    one of the friends gave my partner a bottle of the thing

    bad friend, if they knew about the thing, that is.

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  • [–] [S] 21 points 4 months ago* (4 children)

    I'm pretty sure the friend knew. Partner is very outspoken about being sober and was specifically the DD (designated driver) previously because of that reason

    I have to see the "friend" regularly so I'm trying not to preemptively get upset and have some words prepared for the next time I see them

    I need to take care of my partner first, but friendo needs to know how much damage they caused

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  • [–] 3 points 4 months ago (2 children)

    I have no advice but I did have an experience where my friend was taking the designated driver turn and we seperatate at the dance club and when I got back to him he was blitzed. I yelled at him and said we are sticking together and neigher of us is drinking. Unfortunately we fell asleep on a couch and the bouncers bounced us. I was way better than him and I said well eff it take teh train home but he begged and pleaded that I not leave his car there and I aquiesed and creaful got it back to his house. Never went out with him again though as that I believe is the only time I have ever drove having drunk anything. I mean Im a stickler. One drink and I won't drive. Made me so mad.

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  • [–] 4 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    he begged and pleaded that I not leave his car there

    them's the breaks if one betrays their friends by promising to be the designated driver and proceeds to get fucked up anyways. I could understand, like, one beer immediately when everyone gets there, if the plan is to stay there for three or more hours, that should be fine, but even then it's best for folks to draw their line at "zero drinks if I'm driving"

    all the more reason for places to offer non-alcoholic drink options and snacks and such

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  • [–] 3 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    Find an Al-Anon meeting near you. They're very helpful. ❤️‍🩹

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  • [–] 2 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. Glad it seems everything is okay-ish. Sending warm thoughts!

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  • [+] -6 points 4 months ago (1 child)

    Your partner is an asshole and you sound codependent and obsessive. It's not your job to police your partner on such serious things. It's their failure. You should be disappointed in them, not yourself.

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