I saw one here the other day calling someone a soup fork. I've been using that for people who are completely useless.

I work with an older lady who hits people with "you're so pretty" when they do or ask something stupid and I love it.

I have neither the crayons nor the inclination to explain it to you.

Big fan of a slow disapproving head shake and a thumbs down. Especially in road rage situations (or any time I see a Cybertruck).

"Sorry, I already have a boyfriend/girlfriend."

Implying that everything they said or had done was to get your romantic attention.

It was trending a few years ago but never caught on fully.

Still good.

It's really hard to underestimate you.

If all the village-idiots of all the villages in the world, would leave for a brand new village of village-idiots, you'd be their village-idiot.

If idiot does not count as "swear" tho...

Just respond to everything they say with "sorry, I'm not into Pokemon."

I can read it to you all day but unfortunately I cannot understand it for you.

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

You look easy to draw

You're about as smart as a bag of hammers.

The classic southern "Bless your heart"

They’re a south-pointing compass (if they assert something, you know it’s wrong)

"If she was a spice, she would be flour" - Louise Belcher

Chuckle and as you walk away, and under your breath but just loud enough to hear, say "eyebrows" in a way that sounds like you were amused and thinking about how it amused you. They will think about that for years, as I have been

You are the proud owner of not a single redeeming quality.

I love how you don't let facts influence your opinion.

I have to thank the one and only James May for introducing me to “you witless dishcloth”

I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you.

I blame the alcohol, not what you drank tonight but what your mother drank while pregnant with you

I love this one from Coriolanus:

For you, be that you are, long, and your misery increase with your age!

Did your mother have any children that lived?

No one could possibly have a higher opinion of you than I have.

The truth. The reason you'd want to insult them as a direct pointed criticism.

There’s a great artist that sells stuff at our local ren-faire; I bought a fridge magnet that says “I saw thee, and thought my day unwell.” It’s illuminated like an old manuscript and depicts a slim greyhound tossing his cookies.

You make this world not worth saving.

"You look so generic I got a deja vu the first time we met."

I keep recycling this one but it's hard not to. I have so few good ideas!

Have the day you deserve!

"You are not acting like the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be."

Guaranteed to slug the inner child of, at least, three or four generations. Might have diminishing returns at the extremes (brainwashed boomers and brainrot zoomers) but should still hit pretty hard on those who grew up watching Fred Rogers and are capable of some amount of introspection.

You look like you trust politicians/newspapers/AI

You think that streamer likes you

Your brain could revolve around inside a peanut shell without ever touching the sides

You have a head full of vacuous nothings that occasionally leak out of your mouth

(To name a few that I enjoy)

• Have you been tending to your hounds? You smell like a wet dog!
• Is that fur growing out of your ears?

I bite my thumb at you.

"you're the sharpest bulb in the chandelier" is my personal favorite

I would not make you the night manager at a place that closed in the evening. Also your mother's a huge slut.

Your ma wears high heels with tracksuit bottoms.

Thick as mince

He only has two tools and they are both screwdrivers

You don't have the sense God gave a popsicle

You're lucky your momma died giving birth to you. If she saw you now, she would've died of shame.

From my friend - You're the load your mom should have swallowed.

You are amazing, all the self control of Donald Trump with the charismatic charm of Mark Zuckerburg.

You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.

You've got more teeth than braincells

You haven't got two braincells to rub together

You should be paying for the Oxygen. Yes, that Oxygen.

Too offensive for lemmy.ml

You two make quite the wit.

"I say this with the greatest respect...."

Donkey meat is not transparent, get out of the way! I'm watching!

A waste of space