I've been seeing poop in a path which is connected to the gates of my house. This has happened 3 times now over 1 or 2 weeks. When I saw the poop first, I thought it must be a dog. But everytime it dries (every 3 or 4 days), a mysterious pile of new shit is dropped on the old shit. It's (very) black, very smelly and in the EXACT same spot!! Right on top of the dried shit!! I'm convinced it's a human being. I've decided I'm gonna hide in some bushes nearby and catch them doing the deed. But what do I do then? What if they don't care and continue doing it? How do I make them regret it without getting into trouble? It'd be nice if they couldn't tell it's me.

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[–] 94 points 11 months ago (2 children)

As someone who's actually had this problem (in an urban area) and actually solved it, here's what I did: Changed the shape of my fence so the amount of privacy the serial shitter was afforded was significantly reduced. Changed the position of my gate so that it no longer opened near the convex corner the shitter favored. They found a better spot and moved on.

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  • [–] 45 points 11 months ago (5 children)

    You think someone is shitting outside in a public space and your plan is to surprise them in the act?

    Form the annals of what could possibly go wrong.

    I don’t know where you live, but I am going to assume it is suburban or rural, is it possible to light the area?

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  • [–] [S] 4 points 11 months ago (4 children)

    No it's not possible. What could go wrong tho

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  • [–] 42 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (2 children)

    Raccoons like to poop on top of their old dried poop. raccoon poop looks a lot like human poop. especially when more than one animal is using that latrine.

    in the forest they often do it where two trails meet.

    think about that before jumping out of a bush.

    and if it was a raccoon don't handle that poop please. call animal control.

    [edit to add] if you want some nightmares; google 'pinworm human infection' and then stay far away from raccoon droppings.

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  • [–] 95 points 11 months ago (8 children)

    Jump out of the bushes while furiously masturbating. Scream at them to "KEEP GOING I AM ALMOST THERE PINCH OFF THAT HAWT STEAMING LOAF DADDY". Pretty sure one of two things will happen: Either they freak out, pull up, and high tail it out of there never to be seen again, or they lock eyes with you and maintain that connection through a slight squint and some grunts. Make sure you record it and post this to the internet.

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  • [–] 21 points 11 months ago (6 children)

    I second this, you gotta out weird them, I suggest covering yourself with peanut butter while doing what they said.

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  • [–] 23 points 11 months ago* (1 child)

    Can you install a trail cam ?

    Or just poop in that spot to show dominance!

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  • [–] 22 points 11 months ago (1 child)

    take a bigger shit on their shit. assert your dominance.

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  • [–] 21 points 11 months ago (1 child)

    Follow them home and shit in front of their house

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  • [–] 20 points 11 months ago

    In 2 days time on Ask Lemmy:

    There's some creep hiding in bushes in a path which is connected to the gates of my neighbours house. What do I do??

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  • [–] 17 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (14 children)

    What's the maximum amount of time you could tolerate hiding in the bushes with spiders & bugs, unsure when/if the serial shitter might ever return? Would you be willing to hunker down in the spider bug cold pokey bushes all night long & all the next day, and on day 3 at 4:42am you finally catch the shitter in the act? Will you have no tent? No sleeping bag? Snacks? Activities to pass time? Do you not have a job & duties to attend to, this wouldn't interrupt your week at all? Probably much easier to install a camouflaged motion-sensitive camera to capture the shitter. Then what you do? Turn the camera footage into the police.

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  • [–] [S] 9 points 11 months ago* (9 children)

    Damn, you're right. Idk when he's gonna show up. As for cameras, I'd have to buy them online and by the time they arrive, vacation would be over.

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  • [–] 7 points 11 months ago (4 children)

    You're in a developing country (I'm a pedant and third world means not allied with the US or the USSR, which doesn't exist anymore). You're on vacation. You won't be there much longer. Leave an envelope with $20 in it and a note that says "Stop shitting here and have this with our blessing. Shit here again and we will follow you, take the money, and beat you. We are watching"

    Or don't. Whatever. You're not there long enough to receive a package from Amazon, so why stress about it? A street sitter has a lot more problems in life than someone who can go on vacation. Their continued existence is probably it's own punishment

    Oh here's an idea.

    1. Cover the pile with sand/Kitty litter.
    2. Get a little flag of the local football team, or whatever the local favorite is, and plant it in the sandy shit pile.
    3. ???????
    4. Profit.
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  • [–] [S] 1 point 11 months ago (3 children)

    What does it matter if it's on vacation? I still live here and will continue to do so once my holidays are over, it's my home and i don't need a serial shitter around it.

    I didn't know about the third world country thing, thanks for telling me.

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  • [–] 2 points 11 months ago

    Oh my fault it sounded like you were only there for a few more days based on other comments you made, sorry I misunderstood.

    Would your neighbor be willing to set up the trail cam when it comes? Otherwise this seems like something that'll have to wait till you're back home. As others suggested, waiting in the bushes is a recipe for misery.

    If you're dead set on catching the person, start logging (ha ha! log) the days it happens. Once you narrow down the pattern try waking up every couple hours to see if they left a fresh one, then you have a future stakeout time. Once you have the pattern and time window, grab a friend, a couple clubs, and when you catch them, persuade them with reason, logic, and threats of violence

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  • [–] 3 points 11 months ago (2 children)

    Wait, this is on a vacation? Who cares lol it'll be over soon enough

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  • [+] 1 point 11 months ago (4 children)
  • [–] 1 point 11 months ago (3 children)

    Oh you really think so? Go ahead and describe everything about me & my life as best as you can, solely based on what I said up there.

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    [–] 19 points 11 months ago (3 children)
  • [–] 25 points 11 months ago (7 children)

    Could be a fox? 🦊

    Buy a camera. Catch them in the act. Call police. Have them arrested. Sadly this is the only way to deal with people (assuming it's a human doing it).

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  • [–] 21 points 11 months ago (3 children)

    Either this, or use the camera and set up a sprinkler.

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  • [–] 7 points 11 months ago

    Trail cameras can be quite inexpensive

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  • [–] 13 points 11 months ago (1 child)

    Sounds like a territorial claim. You should probably do a bigger poop next to theirs in order to assert dominance.

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  • [–] 6 points 11 months ago

    Lawyer here, this is true and it's very important you get on to this promptly, the law in this area works similarly to trademark claims, it's a use it or lose it kind of scenario. You might legally own the title to the land but if someone else is laying a claim publicly like this for all to see in such a clear and intentioned manner and you do not respond and defend your claim vigorously and in similar fashion, you may be found to have relinquished that title. Make sure to get lots of fibre.

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  • [–] 6 points 11 months ago

    Push them backwards into the shit. What you do to them when they are laying on the ground is up to you.

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  • [–] 6 points 11 months ago (1 child)

    How rural is your path? I discovered recently that big fat raccoon poops are very similar to human poops.

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  • [–] 6 points 11 months ago

    Can You Go to Jail for Pooping in Public? https://legalclarity.org/can-you-go-to-jail-for-pooping-in-public/

    It's possible for legal consequences if you can get video of them doing it.

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  • [–] 5 points 11 months ago

    Some sort remote controlled spring trap to fling the poop up onto their butt.

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  • [–] 9 points 11 months ago (18 children)

    You observe the poop is literally black, and your conclusion is it must be from a human?

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  • [–] [S] -3 points 11 months ago (17 children)

    Human poop is black so why not?

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  • [–] 7 points 11 months ago (9 children)

    Only when there's internal bleeding

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 11 months ago (8 children)

    Tf? What else would poop look like? Green?

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  • [–] 1 point 11 months ago (7 children)

    Are you telling me your poops are solid black every time?!

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 11 months ago (6 children)
  • [–] 1 point 11 months ago (5 children)
  • [–] [S] 1 point 11 months ago (4 children)

    Why did you ask tho, that's basic knowledge lol human poop is black what else would it be

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  • [–] 1 point 11 months ago (3 children)

    Normal healthy human poop is brown! It's only black when you have internal bleeding! You said your poops aren't black all the time, how do you not know this? The poop emoji is even brown wtfff. 💩

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  • [–] [S] 1 point 11 months ago* (2 children)

    I never said that. My poops are brown all the time. I just said human poops are black.

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  • [–] 7 points 11 months ago

    set up a few video cameras to catch them. Then once you know who it is, send stills and videos to their family. post on social media.

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  • [–] 3 points 11 months ago

    Hide out and spray 'em with the water hose or a supersoaker.

    Only bad thing is then you have wet human shit in the same spot.

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  • [–] 3 points 11 months ago

    You could buy a toy camera. Pretty sure most people don't want to shit in front of a camera

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  • [–] 7 points 11 months ago

    Super soaker full of pepper spray/oil. Spray them in the any sensitive exposed area.

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  • [–] 5 points 11 months ago (3 children)

    Like everyone else has said, put some cameras out to confirm it’s a human (it’s probably not). If it is a human you may recognise them, and if it’s a cat or something there’s probably some kind of deterrent you can buy.

    Bear in mind local laws. Where I live filming people on the public street is a grey area legally, using a hidden camera to do it would probably be considered illegal. Not saying don’t do it, just don’t try and submit it to the police. If it’s a person tell the police you saw them doing it from the window or whatever.

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  • [–] 4 points 11 months ago (2 children)

    I really really hope people are capable of telling a tiny cat poop apart from human poop. Unless there are tigers or other big cats around.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 11 months ago* (1 child)

    Based on the place where I live and the size of the shit , it has to be dogs or people. And idk if a dog is capable of shitting in the same place thrice after a fixed interval of time

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  • [–] 2 points 11 months ago

    My little pup definitely has favourite spots to shit - often it’s in front of a house he knows another dog lives in. It’s not exactly the same spot every time, but there are very much creatures of habit and I wouldn’t rule it out.

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  • [–] 10 points 11 months ago (2 children)

    Do you live in an area with lots of homeless? That seems most likely who would do that. Or some mentally deranged person. Either way, be careful with those types of people.

    You could try the photography/videography aspect to bring them to justice or the classic scare and/or beat them with a baseball bat

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  • [–] 2 points 11 months ago (1 child)

    What's preventing a person bent on harassing you from coming back another day when you're not home with a bigger bat? Why the need to incite violence here? There's so many better ways to sort this, including a frank discussion, practical joke back at the offender and anything in between.

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  • [–] 2 points 11 months ago

    Find out where the shitter lives and return the favor.

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  • [–] -2 points 11 months ago (3 children)

    I've decided I'm gonna hide in some bushes nearby and catch them doing the deed. But what do I do then?

    Back in the good old wild West lawless days I'd say it'd be a great opportunity for vigilante target practice, culling the miscreants from our population. But that's probably illegal nowadays.

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  • [–] [S] 3 points 11 months ago (2 children)

    I'm from a third world country, so ig I won't get into much trouble for messing with a street shitter

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