Hello to anyone reading. This is my first post - I usually don't actively participate on forums etc. Hoping to get some perspectives and feedback. If anything resonates or if anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice or guidance, please message me.

Some details are changed to retain anonymity, but these do not meaningfully impact the overall events and outcomes.

Sorry for the wall of text - if you make it through, you're a real one.

There's obviously so much background I could give, so I'll go with what I feel is most relevant. To start, I'm 30M and my partner(?) is early 35F. We've been together for almost 3 years. Moved to a new country together at the beginning. We started dating shortly before moving and in the few months before the move, it was heaven. I'm a very physical, touchy, and sexually active person, while she is asexual. We had good discussions in the beginning, and came to the conclusion this isn't a problem. We kiss, we touch, we make out, we cuddle, we hug, we hold hands - for me, physical intimacy is one of the foundations of a romantic relationship, and through those things I felt fulfilled - sex isn't a strict requirement.

After moving to a new country, things were obviously stressful and a bit different, but we kept the love alive. We started off in a two bedroom, but had to move after a few months. We settled on a one bedroom, even though she said she wanted her own bedroom, but we would make it work due to time and budget constraints.

As time went on living together in the one bedroom, the physical distance grew. She is more and more depressed and angry at the world. More frustrated at how life has treated her, how the world feels unwelcoming. She's more tired, physically less healthy, physically more disabled. She has fewer friends. Has trouble making friends. Feels lonely. And that depression and stress has compounded and affected her ability to be physical, and she has said as much.

Last year, she brought up wanting to move into a two bedroom because she needs her own space. While I understand that, I expressed how that would make me feel, since I didn't want to just say yes without talking it through. Honestly, sharing a room and a bed is important to me, and I don't want to make that sacrifice without trying other things - more distance didn't make sense to me. I didn't fully grasp the gravity of how desperately she needed her own bedroom. She felt shut down by me not being happy at the idea of a two bedroom.

Time passes, and there is hardly any physical contact. We don't kiss unless I initiate it, and she seems hesitant for more than a quick peck. So I don't initiate those anymore. She doesn't want to hug because she's overstimulated most of the time, so I've left her to initiate those. They're very rare. We hardly hold hands - maybe once every couple of weeks on the couch. We don't cuddle, not even in bed. Most of the night I spend without her because our sleep schedules are completely different. She doesn't compliment my appearance or notice or mention when I am clean shaved. She doesn't tell me she loves me without me prompting it.

For two years, I've tried telling her I need those things. I have explicitly said I need to be held. I need to be touched and wanted. She says she is depressed and overwhelmed, and that its not even just me - she can't stand the thought of anyone touching her. She says saying "I love you" is hard for her (even though she said it plenty in the first year). So I'm obviously sad, but I try and figure out what she needs. We try focusing more on friendship activities, we try putting less pressure on it by leaving it up to her to reach out to me. I offer to sleep on the couch every so often to give her the bedroom. I have made as much space as possible to give her breathing room so she doesn't feel pressured into physical contact when she's not ready. I've brought up multiple times how therapy might help with her mental health struggles, and at times saying how important it is to me she puts in that effort to get help. I've stopped suggesting it as it isn't happening.

None of it worked. I have given up asking for touch. I have given up asking her to give me verbal affirmation and tell me explicitly she loves me and misses me. I have given up on having a physical relationship with her, because at this point my own physical interest has atrophied. I am increasingly imagining being physical with other people, wishing and fantasizing for physical connection. This obviously makes me feel so guilty and wrong, but it's also this horrible comfort in my mind. I cannot remember the last time we cuddled. I don't feel much on the rare occasion I try and kiss her. I'd ask my friends for more hugs, since I'm so touch starved, but I feel like I'd be betraying my partner.

I didn't realize I was hitting my tipping point until recently. We had an argument and I decided to set out a list of my basic romantic needs so that I have something concrete to show her. And it gutted me, because I realized my needs hadn't been met in so long I had made peace with them disappearing. I realized I need to be kissed and held, non negotiable. I couldn't bear to think about future plans because I stopped seeing my physical intimacy needs as being possible in our future relationship - they were gone. I had resigned myself to living a life devoid of touch, with only vague suggestions of more things we could potentially do that would maybe help.

One of the worst parts was that I then came to her with the list, as a make or break - something has to change. And in the discussion we had, she mentioned how part of it is my bald head - it's really prickly so she doesn't like it touching it when we cuddle... she has failed to mention that at any point in the last two years, when I first went bald. It also comes to light that she may not be attracted to me at all. She said she thinks I'm an attractive person. When I clarified if she was attracted to me, the only answer she could give was "I don't know".

I'm not interested in forcing my partner to be attracted to me. I hit my limit and I knew it. I told her I don't feel this is a romantic relationship anymore, my needs hadn't been met in so long and I didn't realize until now that for me, our relationship has already changed to not be a romantic one. That I'm not fulfilled in this relationship and it isn't what I want and need.

I feel tremendous guilt. I have a larger share of the domestic responsibilities as I am more able bodied. I have a job and she is unable to work at the moment. I worry if I had just waited longer and given her another go, then maybe it would change. Maybe she needed more time to get to a better place in life where she had more capacity to work on those things. She seemed upset that I changed my wording to be more final, since she didn't feel she fully grasped how the consequences of the lack of physical touch and unmet needs would be me leaving. Maybe I should have given her an ultimatum earlier - but would that have given me the peace I need? Would that have meaningfully changed what we are more than my repeated attempts to tell her my needs?

I don't know if I made the right decision. I feel guilty for following my emotions. I feel like I betrayed her and let her down by not fighting harder. I am so conflicted. I know deep down I couldn't go much longer in a touchless relationship, and that makes me feel weak-willed.

Please help. Did I give up too soon? Did I fail in my duty as a partner so support her while she's struggling? Was I right to identify my needs and decide when I've had enough? Was is more fair to both of us to finally call it? Is it superficial to prioritize something like kissing and touching over a life together?