The Onion used to be a place of sinister satire. Nowadays, its just spreading hopeful and cheery messages

That would probably actually work on Musk.

Ok, good.

Can someone explain what this is satire of? Or is it just random?

I'm sure this would be real if some of us got a chance, tbf

If only. Fuck JD Vance

Just call him Pope Francis and it might happen

I wish he was that sensitive. Trump and Musk, sure. Vance is the smarter, worse type of Republican imo.

Sometimes it’s nice to read uplifting fiction. This is one of those.

The one time I thought it said “nottheonion” it had to be the fucking onion.

"Hey, you know what? You should definitely run in 2028.”

Lmao

In a cruel twist of events, the girls also killed themselves after voluntarily talking to JD

Payton is such a bitch. She's just mad that her mom is dating a 25 year old.

Sofia about to get that ICE visit